Down & Out

I've lost friends recently...quite a few. Folks I've known since grade school. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I know it's because of my Paganism. Frankly, it hurts....badly.

I understand that ignorance defines fear, but these ex-friends know me. And I just can't help but think, if they'd just take five minutes to do a little research...this breaking of relationships would be completely unnecessary. I really try to live my life by example. I figure if I'm my typically happy, optimistic, friendly, loyal, honest self...that, in and of itself, speaks well for Pagans. Essentially, I'm simply trying to convey that fear is unnecessary. I always hope, in some deep part of my mind, they'll think to themselves, "Wow. Paganism seems a little creepy to me. But this is Bridgett and I know she'd never do anything evil. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and pick up some library books on the topic."

Is that too much to ask?

I can't tell you how many times I've come *this close* to sending a message something like this to these so-called friends:

I can only assume, due to your abrupt exit from my life, that you have issues with my chosen spiritual path. To this, I have only two things to say: 1. Do some research. 2. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I seriously doubt they're booting their Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist friends from their lives. Just me. The lone Pagan. The witch.

And yes...before you ask...I am sad. I've even gone so far as to set up a separate Facebook account using my magickal name for anonymity <-----is this spelled correctly? It doesn't look right, but spellcheck didn't catch it. I transferred everything even remotely Pagan from my main Facebook page to my witchy account. And while I love the freedom an anonymous account gives me, I resent and hate the fact I had to set it up at all.

Oh, and here's another conundrum. I've put a deposit down for a Pagan tattoo in May, in celebration of my year and a day. The tattoo is going to be a pentacle (made to look like wood), woven with daisies. I had planned to have it tattooed on my wrist, but now I'm thinking that might be too visible and cause a buttload of issues. So many Christian folks see the pentacle as the sign of the devil and I just don't know if I have the strength at the moment to educate them. I'm torn. I hate hiding a part of myself...especially such an integral part of who I am. Being in the broom closet is not for me, yet in order to keep my very sensitive heart from breaking, I must protect myself.

And so...I wait. For acceptance? For religious tolerance? For my spirituality to be 'okay' in the eyes of my Christian friends?

Yes. No. Maybe.

I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for...I just know that I must.

Blessed be, lovies.

A Little Happy For You

Tonight, the Hallmark Channel is playing "The Good Witch" movies back to back, starting at 7:00. They aren't deep, serious Magical movies. They're just Lifetimey, light-hearted, magic-tinged ones that might make you smile.

Check out the IMDB info on them here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1105729/

BTW, Emily, I'm listening to Gaia Consort right now on Pandora. I like!

Which Witch?

I don't identify myself as a witch. Mostly. Sometimes, when joking with friends or family who are "in the know," I do, but generally, I go with "Pagan."

Lately, I've been contemplating the how and why of this, which turns me into a giant nerd AND forces me to contemplate some fairly ugly stereotypes. (Right in the middle of Spring Cleaning. Oof.)

First, the nerdliness. Despite all protestations by witchly folks, it would appear that as early as Old English times (let's say 1066, just for fun) people associated the word "witch" with satanic dealings. The Online Etymological Dictionary throws it back to some IndoEuropean roots that might have been associated with "bending" or "spirit," which is more comfortable for me. However, if you look up the roots of the word, you'll find about 80 bajillion ideas about where the word came from, some clearly biased toward non-demonic roots, some going toward the other end of the spectrum. (Fascinating to nerds like me, frustrating for people like me seeking concrete answers.)

After being fascinated and frustrated, I looked up "Wicca." I expected it to be an ancient word, but found instead its common magical usage to be very modern--dating to 1954 and Gerald Gardner. Huh.

Why all this looking up and frustration? Here's where the stereotyping comes in.

My Soul Sista posted earlier a list of magical questions, designed to make one think about one's practice. I read it with interest, but...many of the questions had nothing to do with me.

I don't have a magical name. I don't have a familiar. I don't think about my practice in terms like that; in fact, trying to decide or be open to my magical name or a familiar or whathaveyou makes me uncomfortable to the point that I squirm.

*Disclaimer here: I'm not trying to offend anybody (most especially my darlin' Boo-ums) when I work my addled brain through this. I want everybody here to be free to be you and me. These are just issues I'm confronting as a fairly new Pagan.*

In my head, whenever somebody identifies herself as a witch, what is immediately conjured up is the image of those folks I knew in high school who wore a lot of purple crushed velvet and dark lipstick. These lovies hung out on the fringes of cafeterias and coffee shops and seemed to take delight in being weird for weird's sake. (I will point out here that they didn't exist in my school. I only saw them out in trips to larger towns and cities.) In college, it was kind of more of the same. Any witches who came out of the broom closet seemed to do so in a swirl of satin and with a few dozen pewter pentagrams hanging from their spiked colors.

Fast forward a few years. I have realized that I've always identified with the concept of a "great Mother"--probably the reason I love the Clan of the Cave Bear books so much. And Mother Nature. And herbs and folklore and unseen things, etc. I finally become actualized enough to start looking up information about paganism.

And I find--more folks in swirly purple capes. Oh, dear. One of the first books I read was by Raven Silverwolf, and while I appreciated the wit of it, I have to admit that I did (and still do, frankly) consider some of the things she suggested to be totally goofy. As in, "Let's go hang out at the mall and freak out some Christians" goofy. And her name. OOF. It just killed me. I discarded her book, picked up a Scott Cunningham or two (better) and then an Ellen Dugan (aaahhhh, sweet relief...), but I sort of stayed away from anybody with a magical-sounding name. It made me feel twitchy.

Fast forward a year. I meet up with a lady who is graciously helping me try to organize Earth Day in our community. I notice she's wearing a Mother pendant and I flash her my triskele ring. We laugh like goons and give each other big hugs. Yay! And she mentions the local Pagan group she's associated with and I ask, "Are the people there, like, normal? Or are they the moony-hocus-pocusy people?" Because, y'all, I'm an ass. And her face sort of freezes and I realize what an ass I was and then her face goes back to normal and we're fine, but I have totally offended her. I think back to that day now and I just cringe. First, because I missed out on making a friend (or several) right then and there and second, because how awesome am I that I can look down on anybody else and the way they live their life?

I've grown, some, I think, in this regard. A few months ago, I was reading a Pagan blog I occasionally frequent and the writer started talking about people who dress up in cloaks or in leather and lace or whathaveyou to attend festivals or rituals and how cheesy that was and how it shouldn't be allowed and I bristled up into a giant ball of, "How dare a Pagan tell other Pagans how to be?" Then I deflated, because...oh. Right. Ahem. Excuse me while I slink off in embarrassment.

I think my problem with her blog was that the freedom of Paganism from the set rules and rituals of modern Christianity is one of its big draws for me. I find the ability to make up my own rituals, my own set of corresponding beliefs to the knowledge passed down through time to be personally freeing. But, at the end of the day, I'm still more Valerie from The Princess Bride ("I'm not a witch, I'm your WIFE.") than Sarah from Hocus Pocus. (Why am I breaking out the movie references now? Couldn't tell you.) I have trouble remembering, much less holding, all of the Sabbats, and as I mentioned on my SS's FB page, some of them leave me cold. (Literally, Imbolc. You were wretchedly cold this year.) I don't have a magical name and will probably never have one, because I don't want to set my magical self aside from my mundane self. I don't have a true altar or a cauldron or any of that stuff. (We've talked about this before.) I don't own a crushed velvet purple cape (although, to be honest, I am kind of in love with the idea of a heathery brown cashmere one. Siiiiigggghhhh.)

At the same time, I feel a connection to the moony-hocusy-pocusy people. We are different. Our souls don't sing the same hymns that our neighbors' do. We honor, in some way, the same sort of entities.

I don't know why this strikes me as so important right now. I suppose that it's nice for me to see a little community forming here and that it's interesting to see so many different sorts of people drawing around a common fire.

Even if we are dressed differently. What do you think?

Introspection

I received this questionnaire from one of my virtual coven sisters awhile back. Glancing through the questions, I realized I'd never actually given a few of these any thought at all. I figured a few moments of introspection on my part might be a good thing. And, to get to know the Pagan aspect of Bridgett better (since I don't talk about it much on my personal blog), I thought I'd share my answers with all of you. Please feel free to snag these questions for your own blog. It's good for all of us to 'look inside' every once in awhile.



Basics



Do you have a magickal name?


Nearly all my Pagan cohorts call me Boo. Many call me Boo Shamrock because of the shamrock tattoo I have on the back of my neck. A magickal name gifted from the deities, however, has not yet come to me. I'm sort of hopeful it will soon.



Does it have a special meaning?


It's the name bestowed upon me by the people who love me...so yes, it's very special.



How did you find Wicca/Paganism?


Christianity was never a good fit for me, even though my family pushed me into attending their fundamentalist church for the first eighteen years of my life. Oh, the resentment I harbored! It wasn't until I met a Wiccan friend on AOL journals seven years ago that I really felt I'd found any kind of spiritual path at all. Unfortunately, we also received my son's autism diagnosis around this same time...so my Pagan studies came to an abrupt halt while I focused on recovering my son. I started studying again last spring and my 'year and a day' will fall on Beltane this year. :)



How long have you been practicing?


Not quite a year yet.



Solitary or group practitioner?


I'm a solitary witch, although I recently joined a virtual on-line coven which has been wonderful. I've also found a local group of like-minded individuals...so I suspect we'll eventually form a coven. Yay!



What is your path?


This is one of those questions which was quite thought provoking for me, as I'm still trying to find my perfect path. However, if I had to answer specifically at this moment, I would say I was an eclectic Pagan who pulls very strongly from Wicca and the Celtic pantheon. I'm also quite drawn to Green Witchery.



Are you out of the broom closet?


Yes and no. I wear Pagan jewelry, I write about my Pagan path on my blogs and my Facebook page...I'm even getting a Pagan tattoo in May. Most of my friends know and parts of my family do as well. But for now, I'm keeping my parents and my grandmother in the dark. I honestly think them knowing would be more of a headache than I'm prepared to deal with at this time. I don't want them spending all their free time praying for my Hell bound soul, after all.





Gods/Goddess



Who are your patron Gods?


So far, I have only one....Thoth.



Who are your patron Goddess'?


Again, there is only one I work with...Brighid.



Which Gods/Goddess' do you worship?


I wouldn't say that I *worship* any of them. I believe they're old friends of mine who know me so well, they know just what I'm thinking without the need for spoken words.



Do you fear dark aspects of the Gods/Goddess, or rather, respect them?


Oh yes. I both fear and respect these attributes of the deities. We all should.



Do you worship the Christian God?


I do not.



Do you ever worship animals?


No. But I do feel as though they're our brothers and sisters...struggling to survive and simply living their lives like the rest of us. I also believe in animal totems or animal spirit guides.



Or plants?


See above.





Nature



Do you regularly commune with nature?


Not nearly as much as I'd like. Living in town, it's not as easy as I'd hoped it would be. I do the best I can.



Ever walked barefoot in the woods?


I have not...well, not since I was a child anyway. And I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't either. In my neck of the woods, there are many creatures and plants which could cause serious injuries to bare legs and feet.



Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature?


Yes...and I wish I could do so more often.



Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth?


I was young...maybe 5 or 6. It was autumn. The leaves were stunning shades of orange, red, brown, yellow, and green. I remember breathing that crisp autumn air into my lungs, seeing the Tiffany blue skies with the big cumulus clouds sailing lazily over my head, and admiring the autumnal beauty of the trees. I knew I'd always remember that moment in my life. To be that young and to feel so content...well, it was truly special.



What is/are your power animal(s)?


At this moment in time, I simply don't know. I'm keeping my eyes open though.



Do you have a familiar?


Unfortunately, no.



Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual?


Not yet. But when I discover my totem animals, I'm sure I will then.



Or a plant?


I've used many herbs in my rituals...not sure if that counts?



Do you hug trees?


My witchlet daughter and I both do. In fact, we have a special tree at my son's school which we hug and talk to every morning. And if we're feeling extra energetic, we chase each other around it's enormous trunk, giggling and being silly.



Give them gifts?


We do! Sometimes leftover food from our meals, and other times special offering cookies or stones which we make especially for that reason.



What is your favorite flower to work with?


Honestly, it depends on the time of the year...but daisies and sunflowers always rank right up there.



What is your favorite tree to work with?


I love any tree...but my favorite to work with is the willow.





Wheel of the Year



What are your favorite holidays?


I really like Litha, Imbolc, and Mabon.



What if your least favorite holiday?


I actually enjoy all the Sabbats...but if I had to pick my least favorite, it would probably be Lammas. It just seems like an early Mabon to me.



Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday?


I nearly always do.



Ever taken a day of work to celebrate a pagan holiday?


I'm a stay-at-home mommy at the moment. But I'm sure if I were working, I'd probably try and work my schedule around the Sabbats.



Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25?


I celebrate Yule on the 21st and Christmas on the 25th, since I'm the only the practicing Pagan in my entire family.



Have you ever felt the Veil thin?


I would love to be able to say, "Yes! I have. And it rocks my world." But I've only celebrated one Samhain as a Pagan so far...so give me some time to learn and get my energies straightened out. Perhaps on Samhain next year, I'll be able to answer in the affirmative. :)



Ever danced the Maypole?


Not yet. This is definitely a goal.



Know what the Maypole symbolizes?


Of course! I think just about everybody knows what the Maypole symbolizes, Pagan or not. :)



Ever made love on Beltane?


I have. And I plan to this year as well. :P



How do you usually celebrate the pagan holidays?


At home with my family, singing, dancing, cooking, setting up my altars, and performing rituals.





Divination



Do you use Tarot?


I just bought my first deck and instructional booklet...so I'm learning.



Do you use runes?


I won a gorgeous set of runes from Janie at Mother Moon. So I'm currently in the process of learning about them as well.



Do you use a pendulum?


Not yet...but this is the next form of divination I want to tackle.



Do you use dowsing rods?


Okay, honesty time. I have no idea what dowsing rods are. Anybody care to explain? :)



Do you use astrology?


I love astrology and feel it has much to tell us. And yes. In case you haven't guessed, I'm currently studying it as well. Can you tell just how much of a newbie I am?



Any other form of divination?


Eventually I might use a scrying mirror.





Spells



What was the first spell you did?


I did a very simple banishing and manifestation spell during the first few weeks of my year and a day study. It worked. :)



What was the latest?


A healing ritual for an ailing friend.



Ever done a love spell?


Surprisingly, no. I do think it would be fun to do one of these with Doug to help strengthen our marriage. I mean, let's face it, every marriage can use a little help. :)



A job spell?


Not yet...but Goddess knows I need to!



A healing spell?


Oh yes. I do very simple healing spells almost everyday.



What was the most powerful spell you've ever performed?


On Litha last year, I did an banishment/manifestation apple burial. I carved my wishes into apples and buried them deep into the ground. Boy, did that spell work. It worked so well, in fact, I almost couldn't believe it...I was in awe.





Cryptozoology



Do you believe in Vampires?


Yes. Not necessarily the kind you see in movies, but yes.



Werewolves?


Yes. See above.



Shape shifters?


Yes.



Elves?


Yes.



Faeries?


Yes.



Dragons? Nymphs? Sprites? Mermaids? Sirens? Satyrs?


I grouped these together because I'm just not sure about them. My head tells me they very well could be real...but it's something I need to reflect on a bit more. I've never given these creatures a lot of thought.



Angels?


I consider this a more Christian concept and it doesn't really jive with my views of the afterlife.



Ghosts/Spirits?


Absolutely!



Ever "seen" any of the above?


I believe I've seen a few spirits....



Ever talked to any of the above?


No.



Ever called on any of the above in magick?


I haven't yet.



Do you have one of them as a personal guardian?


Not that I'm aware of...





Random



Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon?


I see a woman. It's the 'mother' moon.



Own a cat?


Not currently, although I have dibs on a Ragdoll kitten when they're born. :)



When you meditate what does your sacred/safe place look like?


It's always autumn...the trees ripe with color. It's an enclosed grove, totally private, with a stream trickling through and big rocks warmed in the sun to sit on. The temperature is always perfect, around 60 to 65 degrees, and the birds chirp happily in the distance. Flowers and herbs grow all around me, as well as multiple willow trees, adding to the overall beauty.



Do you work with Chakras?


I do. And I think they're very important.



Do you believe in soul mates?


Absolutely. 100%.



Ever met one?


I've found a few in my life. I'm very blessed.



Do you have a Spirit guide?

Not yet. Sure would be nice if I did though!



Is it always love and light?

No. To have and appreciate the light, there must also be darkness and shadows. Yin and Yang. Balance.





Okay. I think that completes the questionnaire. It's taken me an entire day to finish this! (Ahhh...the life of a mother with small children!)

Blessed be, peeps! :D

Pagan Pre-K

This weekend, my family and I headed to Cowtown to celebrate my mother and brother's birthday. While there, I made a charm for my sister-in-law, which inspired this post, which is coming to me in two parts.

Part One: In order to work on the charm, I had to wait for the kids to go to bed. The main reason for this is that I needed to be able to concentrate on what I was doing, which is hard with kidlets crawling in my lap, wiping boogers on my jeans, or demanding I bring them something else to stuff in their mouths. But lurking just behind the main reason was the fact that as I learn more about how I practice and my beliefs and I mold each other, I'm not sure how to go about teaching them all this...stuff. I mean, I talk a lot about Mother Nature with them, but not THE Mother (more on this in Part Two). I point out the Moon, I try to include them in little rituals like setting New Moon goals and such, but I have a difficult time, for some odd reason, with making a religious practice part of our home.

Part of it, I think, is that Will is a Christian, although I would definitely NOT call him a fundamentalist Christian in any way. He is essentially a private man, and talking about his faith is not something he enjoys doing. I don't want to go against his beliefs or remove him from the kidlets' religious upbringing--and I have absolutely no problems with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth.

But the other part is that there is just SO MUCH. So much I don't know yet or haven't nailed down and so much actual work that I do. There are Pagan parenting sites, of course, but many of them seem to assume that you know what the heck you're doing all the time or jump right into hardcore gods and goddesses and altars and the like. And I'm just not really sure where to start. Living Under the Buckle, I don't want to make their childhood difficult or mess with their little minds. It's just a wee overwhelming to me, trying to figure out where to start.

Part Two has a lot to do with this. As I worked the charm with my sil, I found myself "teaching her" as I went along. Everything we did, from gathering acorns and paying attention to symbols on our walk to picking the embroidery threads for the design on the charm, was accompanied by me telling her why I was doing what I did. I really enjoyed it, but it wasn't (PAUSE FOR A MAJOR FREAKOUT: My Mother stone is missing. This is my most sacred thing and I can't find it. Please send me some good "return to NotHannah" vibes, mkay?) what I usually do when I make charms. It really highlighted for me the need I have to sort of...qualify? Qualitate? Something or other...my beliefs. I feel like I should start writing it down for my own sanity. (Seriously, I've completely lost my train of thought without my Mother stone. Eep.) At the same time, it seems like a possible waste of time, because I'm not SURE about all of my beliefs.

What I am sure of is A: I look forward to hearing your thoughts and B: I look forward to getting my stone back, because I now feel like my brain is jumbling out of my head. Happy Monday. Sigh.

*UPDATE: Stone has been found, brain getting back into order. Yay!*