Do HUNH? I thought. There ARE those? In my mind, for some reason, if one worshipped a god, then clearly, there was magic involved. And, yes, I'm including Christianity. You think transubstantiation and prayer isn't magic? Honey, please. The very thought that one could worship a god outside of the Judeochristian canon without magic was nutso to me.
So I mused on this and wrestled with this and was just blown away by it all so much that it...wait for it...totally derailed my spirituality.
Totally. I just pulled myself into a spiritual shell, stuck out my tongue and said, "Peace OUT, spirituality. I'm done for a while." (Understand that I do NOT blame Cora for this and I'm not mad or freaked out. I've viewed the entire experience with a grim sort of amusement.)
What pulled me out of the shell was the Autumn, my favorite time of year, a time of gathering and reflection for me, culminating with the Winter Solstice. I worked in my garden and felt the old tug toward my Mother Stone, toward my witchy cabinet...and I paused.
What, really, do I BELIEVE? This keeps coming up over and over again on my path. What do I NEED from my spirituality? What do I want to pass on to my children? What do I want to teach others? What can I GIVE based on my spirituality? Should giving even be a part of my spirituality?
For years, I've tried to smish my soul into boxes that felt uncomfortable, and tried to convince myself that I could believe in a deity that was not central to who I was. I tried to believe that I felt like...that I BELIEVED that deities could grant me things like power or peace and the truth is, I don't. I just don't believe that.
Is it hubris, this idea that I don't have to rely on a god to make magic or peace or power catch fire in me? Well, yeah, by the very definition. Belief in a god requires that you give up a part of yourself that has power and influence over the world. It requires that you say, "I'm not good enough to tap into the Great Good all by myself. I have to use something more powerful than me and admit that I'm weak and flawed and perhaps (depending on your belief system) inherently evil." This...doesn't do it for me. I can buy that humans are inherently flawed and that, indeed, the war between our emotions and our physical self can wreak havoc on ourselves and others. I can even buy that humans were created as part of some divine plan. What I can't buy is the idea that humans were created to be playthings for gods, or solely to praise a god, or to prove that a god was more powerful than another god. I refuse to believe that the human soul, with all of its facets, exists so that it can be judged.
I also can't refute what I know to be scientific truth. And I'm not just talking about biology. I'm talking geology, archaeology, paleontology, physics, chemistry...pretty much every science humans have explains theological beliefs. Just as you can trace the path of language, you can trace the path of religion. I know that thunderstorms can be explained with water vapor and ions and wind power--there isn't a god unleashing his wrath on anybody.
Is there?
Because ultimately, even with all of the science, I'm left with the philosophical "why?" that has always kept me from throwing up my hands and being an atheist. I can't ignore the sense of spirit that I've felt in churches: the day I joined a tiny Baptist church, the night I attended midnight Mass at a Catholic one. I can't deny the feeling of communion I felt when I watched the African American Choral Ensemble perform at UGA almost twenty years ago. I can't pretend that I don't feel a tingle in my fingers when I touch my Mother Stone or that I didn't feel the connection to my Paganistas when we met at the water. And I can't say that I've never prayed to a god and felt a response. These feelings are what keep me walking on a path that is rarely well-lit and feels, frequently, rather lonely.
I want to think that I can connect with the earth under my feet and make magic or send wishes in the air or love through the water without a god intervening. As much as I like Jesus and believe he was (or became) divine, I don't feel him calling to me. As much affection as I have for Brigid, my acknowledgment of her comes with a slightly sardonic grin that I think she'd appreciate. But you don't hear a whole lot about spirituality without gods. Or magic without gods. At least not in the Paganista circles I travel.
Recently, I discovered a description of a fairly young, American religious path called Numenism. It seems to align nicely with my personal beliefs, but finding information about it is DAUNTING to say the least. I can find ONE blogger who writes about it, but can't find any sort of formalized, "this is what we do" page. But I'm thinking...if I can connect a few dots...maybe....
I also can't refute what I know to be scientific truth. And I'm not just talking about biology. I'm talking geology, archaeology, paleontology, physics, chemistry...pretty much every science humans have explains theological beliefs. Just as you can trace the path of language, you can trace the path of religion. I know that thunderstorms can be explained with water vapor and ions and wind power--there isn't a god unleashing his wrath on anybody.
Is there?
Because ultimately, even with all of the science, I'm left with the philosophical "why?" that has always kept me from throwing up my hands and being an atheist. I can't ignore the sense of spirit that I've felt in churches: the day I joined a tiny Baptist church, the night I attended midnight Mass at a Catholic one. I can't deny the feeling of communion I felt when I watched the African American Choral Ensemble perform at UGA almost twenty years ago. I can't pretend that I don't feel a tingle in my fingers when I touch my Mother Stone or that I didn't feel the connection to my Paganistas when we met at the water. And I can't say that I've never prayed to a god and felt a response. These feelings are what keep me walking on a path that is rarely well-lit and feels, frequently, rather lonely.
I want to think that I can connect with the earth under my feet and make magic or send wishes in the air or love through the water without a god intervening. As much as I like Jesus and believe he was (or became) divine, I don't feel him calling to me. As much affection as I have for Brigid, my acknowledgment of her comes with a slightly sardonic grin that I think she'd appreciate. But you don't hear a whole lot about spirituality without gods. Or magic without gods. At least not in the Paganista circles I travel.
Recently, I discovered a description of a fairly young, American religious path called Numenism. It seems to align nicely with my personal beliefs, but finding information about it is DAUNTING to say the least. I can find ONE blogger who writes about it, but can't find any sort of formalized, "this is what we do" page. But I'm thinking...if I can connect a few dots...maybe....
Wow. I just had to comment on this.
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to tell you that you are not alone. Because I have personally experienced this confusion and uncertainty and because I have watched other pagans experience this I realize that this kind of doubt, of exploring, questioning growth, and change is all part of this path.
Unlike other religions, we are trained "on the job." We are not told what to believe, but must explore and discover our soul paths.
Most pagans I talk to do not believe in the same way they did when they first came to this path - their beliefs have morphed and changed - they have added some of this and rejected some of that.
But I also noticed that most of the time, people who have been exposed to another belief system, who haven't been pagan all their lives, have a different idea of God and it's very hard to place that kind of God into a pagan believe system.
Pagans/witches don't give our power up to God. We work with the gods, as well as other energies and entities such as nature, the ancestors, etc. But what most people have to remember is, that in order for our relationship with these energies to work, we have to be involved as well because OUR energies are needed and wanted in order for our magic to be successful.
Witchcraft is a group effort, even if the Witch is "solitary." Truthfully no witch practices alone.
So perhaps you are having a hard time believing in a god because you are still using Christianity's model of God?
I do not believe in God the way the Christians do. I don't petition the gods, except to ask them to Work with me. I don't believe the gods will (or can?) give us something that isn't already ours - meaning when we put our strong will, intent and power into our wants and needs they actually become ours energetically, and then add other energies to the mix in a spell and it's no wonder that our magic works. They call it magic now, but someday they will call it science.
Now, can there be a pagan path without gods? Sure, why not? I can choose to work with the energies of, say, herbs or not. I can work with the ancestors or not. I think through practice we find our own way, and the ways that prove the most successful in our Craft. The traditional pagan path usually involves gods and I do believe in them, but see them as more highly evolved beings, highly intelligent, not all powerful, not judging.
I honor them, but to be honest I had a hard time doing this until after years of practice, and after a relationship with these gods was established. It's kind of like any relationship, really. It takes time to form a bond. If you were to ask me to describe the gods, however, I'd have a hard time doing that. It is just a "knowing" for me. And I'm still learning.
Do I believe one is practicing Witchcraft if they don't use magic in their practice? No. Magic is the craft of the witch. Perhaps they are pagan and practice another form that falls under that broad category, but in my opinion, they are not practicing Witchcraft. If there is no magic, meaning the witch does not use her own energy/will but petitions and prays to a god/goddess and holds ritual, well - that seems like a different path to me, and for me way too much like Christianity.
A witch studies and learns about energies, those of nature, those of other beings, such as the gods, those of human spirits, etc. He/she works to combine these energies towards a common goal. When performing a spell the witch is in charge, but asks for the cooperation of the energies she needs. Sometimes it's god energy, sometimes not. Then we remember always to honor and make offerings in thanks for these energies.
So anyway, I suggest you sit with this a while, go with the flow and see where it takes you.
Wow - I've taken too much space here. Sorry. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more!!
I just have to email you and tell you about what is going on with me.....
ReplyDeletei just have to chime in to say i always enjoy reading your musings about spirituality, heather. they are very thought provoking to me and i am glad you are sharing your journey. as someone who grew up in "organized religion" and has since landed firmly in the "i have no idea" camp, i absolutely get what you say about feeling that...thing.....that sense of spirit...in so many places. i hope you find the spiritual home you're looking for. i don't think i have one......and as disquieting as it is sometimes to feel "homeless" spiritually....i think i've found peace in gathering up bits of whatever i find, sticking it in my pockets, and sending my thanks in all directions, even if i'm not sure that "someone" is on the other end to receive my gratitude. it helps, somehow, to know that there are other wanderers out there...people who are pretty sure they don't know the Truth and maybe never will, but keeping poking around for it anyway. i guess that's one of the reasons i like reading your words here. so thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot for me to say on this subject...more than can fit into a comments section but I need to address this:
ReplyDeleteAineIf there is no magic, meaning the witch does not use her own energy/will but petitions and prays to a god/goddess and holds ritual, well - that seems like a different path to me, and for me way too much like Christianity.
This is incorrect because the assumption is that the person not doing magick (in this case, myself) is still a Witch.
I am not. I am a Polytheist. Witchcraft, spells, rituals, and all of the other accoutrements of that path is not one that I participate in. It's not Christian in the least, but another valid way for a Pagan/Polytheist to worship.
It's like a Catholic telling a Quaker "You are not Christian because you don't hold Mass, light candles, burn incense, and follow formulistic rituals to call on God."
Magick use does not a Pagan/Polytheist make.
For some time, I’ve been somewhat “lost” spiritually. The assault of trivial and significant mundane obstacles hurling my way have left me exhausted and depleted. My focus was only on surviving the next hurdle and I became magickally impotent. Life has slowly become easier to live in allowing me a little breather. And the moment, I was able to sit still for a minute and breathe something happened.
ReplyDeleteI received messages via dreams and as we all know dreams are saturated with symbolism and metaphor. So I find myself combing through the dreams to get at the heart of the message. In a recent dream, a friend who has been dead for over 12 years has a conversation with me in which he asked: “Do you know that Eve was a doll?” and I answered: “I know! Because God was the First Magician!” Strange stuff indeed but I believe it to be a wakeup call to get back on track because I have never read or heard of God referred to as a Magician or to do any Magick (except for miracles - I was raised Christian).
My attention has been on trying to get my magickal mojo back or at least wake it from its hibernation. Not in the “I must worship Gods on a regular basis” but in the get grounded and work on my Magick sense.
When it comes to spirituality, I’m a little hazy. I don’t believe in living in fear of a God so that I may be saved nor do I believe that we can never attain enlightenment because that is only the domain of the Gods. I like to think that I’m spiritual but I’m not entirely sure if I am. I do know that I’m not an Atheist. And because I’m not an Atheist I ask the God/Goddess for guidance and to lend their energies so that I can add it to mine. But I don’t always involve a God in my workings.
Maybe as Pagans, our spirituality isn’t about whether or not we worship a God but more of a “what works for me and fills my void” recipe for a more fulfilled and enriched life.
NotHannah - I've been thinking on this post for a week or more. I'm not positive what to tell you here... except that my understanding of God is worlds apart from the way I understood him when I was younger and raised in conventional Christian churches. I've found that tapping into my own power, my own ability to create in my life (and in my religion since I've identified myself as a pagan), has made me realize that scale is the only thing that differentiates me from God (ok, and maybe a little mastery). In fact, that's how I see the Greek and Roman pantheons (and probably tons of others... but I have never found that researching the pantheons has got me anywhere). People before me have just made the gods bigger and fancier than themselves... but essentially they work in the same way.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'll match your hubris, and raise you one more... I think that we ARE God. I think that there is a creative energy out there that made many other gods that it sent around to have experience... to come to know itself. We are the little pieces floating around figuring out all the things you can do with life on Earth.
But that's just me... and I'm pretty alone in it, I suspect. But that's OK with me. It what feels true for me... it makes life feel like I think it's supposed to... like an adventure that I can create, I can go this way or that, and I can appreciate the beauty along the way. I feel like when I die I'll go home... back to this creator that created me, and my body will go back to the earth (which is kinda the creator that created it), and the flow will continue.
So, I guess that's longhand for: I totally think you can be pagan without "doing" magic, unless you believe that creating our way through this lifetime IS magic... and for me the jury is out on that one. I have never felt that the spells in the magic books out there have done much for me, but sitting down and figuring out what I want life to look like and then figuring out how to get there... that's worked better. It's a bumpy road no matter how you look at it... and attitude (read: how you perceive what you already have) is 99% of the way to get what you want.
Gah... that was long and winding... not sure it made any difference to the discussion... but thanks for setting me to thinkin'!
MoonDaughter
Note to Aine and Cora - I think you guys have different definitions of witch... Aine defines a witch by doing magic (in one or more of many forms, I'm guessing), and Cora, you seem to align the term more with pagan. The word "witch" might need some clarification. Just a thought from looking in at the conversation.
I could have written this post. Thank you for saying what I sometimes have trouble putting in to words.
ReplyDeleteI am not ready to "come out" as you so eloquently have, about feeling no connection to deity, while feeling a strong tie to this planet, nature, and Earth-magic.
ReplyDeleteMy background is from a traditional organized religion, but I do not feel the reality or presence in that god that I know I should. There is discussion about being wiccan or pagan and trying to do spells which require calling upon gods and goddesses and not believing in those entities. I cannot pray to the god of my family faith because, to me, he is not real. He may exist, but not for me.
The Earth and it's wonders are a spiritual experience to me. I observe the most subtle changes. I glory in the touch of the breeze. I whistle the song of the birds, and they call their song right back to me! I love and cherish animals (except for some insects and parasites) and plants and I am a student of geology.
I am very interested in the possibly of the extension of my life force (chi?) to affect objects outside of myself - basically telekinesis. I seem to be able to receive the thoughts of others and gain knowledge about them (intuition?) which I had no access to, except psychically.
I am "enchanted" by the concept of the sorceress - not the evil kind, but the nice kind. I don't know if such a thing exists or is possible to develop.
Meanwhile, I am happy with my nature connection and do not feel deprived of a formal religion or deity. I have accepted who and what I am, and am not, but I would like to enhance and enrich my being, possibly with white magic.
Peace and good wishes,
Kindred spirit
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