How've you been? Read any good books lately?
I don't even know how to start this post, much less say anything profound in it. Spiritually, I'm sort of lost.
No, it's not even that. I'm sort of...empty. I spent such a concentrated amount of time railing against Christianity and being pissed about Christianity and getting all, "Oh, no you WON'T have my country" that I sort of forgot to work on forging a deeper spiritual connection with my universe. Rituals flew out the window. Prayer flew out the window. Pretty much my entire spirituality flew out the window, leaving me...spiritless.
And the messed up thing is that the Universe was calling to me. And I just shut my ears and shut the window and now I'm here, which I guess isn't even technically being lost.
"Here" is a very weird place. It doesn't feel like a bad place. It feels like a resting place. It feels like an empty, quiet place where I'll gather myself once more and head out into the world again.
What makes it weird is that, socially, I AM out in the world. I've got a new job photographing babies in a hospital. Both of my children are in sports. I'm volunteering more at the kidlets' school. I am trying every day to be more present in this community, even if it isn't the community I want to be present in.
So now I'm sitting here, in this quiet, weird little internal room. It doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't feel like a permanent shelter, either. It feels safe, but not forever. It feels like...a spiritual green room.
Many of you follow I'm Not Hannah, so you know that I'm running NaBloWriMo again this year. (If you haven't already, please join us. I know it's late notice and even if you don't get your entry in for a few days, it's okay. We're easy like Sunday morning over there and always add late-comers.) I've decided to try to write every day on THIS blog, as well.
The purpose? Well, I have to leave the green room sometime, don't I? So my purpose will be to gather up all the loose ends of my spiritual self, smooth myself out, and step out. Out of the broom closet, out of the gloom that I've allowed the obnoxious Christians (I'm sorry, I'm just being honest here) to smoosh over me. Just...out. With a smile and a sigh and a Happy Hallowe'en, by the end of this month, I want to be out.