Do HUNH? I thought. There ARE those? In my mind, for some reason, if one worshipped a god, then clearly, there was magic involved. And, yes, I'm including Christianity. You think transubstantiation and prayer isn't magic? Honey, please. The very thought that one could worship a god outside of the Judeochristian canon without magic was nutso to me.
So I mused on this and wrestled with this and was just blown away by it all so much that it...wait for it...totally derailed my spirituality.
Totally. I just pulled myself into a spiritual shell, stuck out my tongue and said, "Peace OUT, spirituality. I'm done for a while." (Understand that I do NOT blame Cora for this and I'm not mad or freaked out. I've viewed the entire experience with a grim sort of amusement.)
What pulled me out of the shell was the Autumn, my favorite time of year, a time of gathering and reflection for me, culminating with the Winter Solstice. I worked in my garden and felt the old tug toward my Mother Stone, toward my witchy cabinet...and I paused.
What, really, do I BELIEVE? This keeps coming up over and over again on my path. What do I NEED from my spirituality? What do I want to pass on to my children? What do I want to teach others? What can I GIVE based on my spirituality? Should giving even be a part of my spirituality?
For years, I've tried to smish my soul into boxes that felt uncomfortable, and tried to convince myself that I could believe in a deity that was not central to who I was. I tried to believe that I felt like...that I BELIEVED that deities could grant me things like power or peace and the truth is, I don't. I just don't believe that.
Is it hubris, this idea that I don't have to rely on a god to make magic or peace or power catch fire in me? Well, yeah, by the very definition. Belief in a god requires that you give up a part of yourself that has power and influence over the world. It requires that you say, "I'm not good enough to tap into the Great Good all by myself. I have to use something more powerful than me and admit that I'm weak and flawed and perhaps (depending on your belief system) inherently evil." This...doesn't do it for me. I can buy that humans are inherently flawed and that, indeed, the war between our emotions and our physical self can wreak havoc on ourselves and others. I can even buy that humans were created as part of some divine plan. What I can't buy is the idea that humans were created to be playthings for gods, or solely to praise a god, or to prove that a god was more powerful than another god. I refuse to believe that the human soul, with all of its facets, exists so that it can be judged.
I also can't refute what I know to be scientific truth. And I'm not just talking about biology. I'm talking geology, archaeology, paleontology, physics, chemistry...pretty much every science humans have explains theological beliefs. Just as you can trace the path of language, you can trace the path of religion. I know that thunderstorms can be explained with water vapor and ions and wind power--there isn't a god unleashing his wrath on anybody.
Is there?
Because ultimately, even with all of the science, I'm left with the philosophical "why?" that has always kept me from throwing up my hands and being an atheist. I can't ignore the sense of spirit that I've felt in churches: the day I joined a tiny Baptist church, the night I attended midnight Mass at a Catholic one. I can't deny the feeling of communion I felt when I watched the African American Choral Ensemble perform at UGA almost twenty years ago. I can't pretend that I don't feel a tingle in my fingers when I touch my Mother Stone or that I didn't feel the connection to my Paganistas when we met at the water. And I can't say that I've never prayed to a god and felt a response. These feelings are what keep me walking on a path that is rarely well-lit and feels, frequently, rather lonely.
I want to think that I can connect with the earth under my feet and make magic or send wishes in the air or love through the water without a god intervening. As much as I like Jesus and believe he was (or became) divine, I don't feel him calling to me. As much affection as I have for Brigid, my acknowledgment of her comes with a slightly sardonic grin that I think she'd appreciate. But you don't hear a whole lot about spirituality without gods. Or magic without gods. At least not in the Paganista circles I travel.
Recently, I discovered a description of a fairly young, American religious path called Numenism. It seems to align nicely with my personal beliefs, but finding information about it is DAUNTING to say the least. I can find ONE blogger who writes about it, but can't find any sort of formalized, "this is what we do" page. But I'm thinking...if I can connect a few dots...maybe....
I also can't refute what I know to be scientific truth. And I'm not just talking about biology. I'm talking geology, archaeology, paleontology, physics, chemistry...pretty much every science humans have explains theological beliefs. Just as you can trace the path of language, you can trace the path of religion. I know that thunderstorms can be explained with water vapor and ions and wind power--there isn't a god unleashing his wrath on anybody.
Is there?
Because ultimately, even with all of the science, I'm left with the philosophical "why?" that has always kept me from throwing up my hands and being an atheist. I can't ignore the sense of spirit that I've felt in churches: the day I joined a tiny Baptist church, the night I attended midnight Mass at a Catholic one. I can't deny the feeling of communion I felt when I watched the African American Choral Ensemble perform at UGA almost twenty years ago. I can't pretend that I don't feel a tingle in my fingers when I touch my Mother Stone or that I didn't feel the connection to my Paganistas when we met at the water. And I can't say that I've never prayed to a god and felt a response. These feelings are what keep me walking on a path that is rarely well-lit and feels, frequently, rather lonely.
I want to think that I can connect with the earth under my feet and make magic or send wishes in the air or love through the water without a god intervening. As much as I like Jesus and believe he was (or became) divine, I don't feel him calling to me. As much affection as I have for Brigid, my acknowledgment of her comes with a slightly sardonic grin that I think she'd appreciate. But you don't hear a whole lot about spirituality without gods. Or magic without gods. At least not in the Paganista circles I travel.
Recently, I discovered a description of a fairly young, American religious path called Numenism. It seems to align nicely with my personal beliefs, but finding information about it is DAUNTING to say the least. I can find ONE blogger who writes about it, but can't find any sort of formalized, "this is what we do" page. But I'm thinking...if I can connect a few dots...maybe....
