Divining Women

Magic Without Gods?

2011-11-16T06:05:00.001-08:00

A few months ago, when I got all fired up about creating a site for Paganistas that would be inclusive and informative and I was joining various social clubs and talking about heritage and various assorted stuff that wound up being ultimately shoved to the backburner, I got an interesting note from my beloved Cora about how it would be nifty if I could add an entry to the (backburnered) project about Pagans who don't have magical tendencies.

Do HUNH? I thought. There ARE those? In my mind, for some reason, if one worshipped a god, then clearly, there was magic involved. And, yes, I'm including Christianity. You think transubstantiation and prayer isn't magic? Honey, please. The very thought that one could worship a god outside of the Judeochristian canon without magic was nutso to me.

So I mused on this and wrestled with this and was just blown away by it all so much that it...wait for it...totally derailed my spirituality.

Totally. I just pulled myself into a spiritual shell, stuck out my tongue and said, "Peace OUT, spirituality. I'm done for a while." (Understand that I do NOT blame Cora for this and I'm not mad or freaked out. I've viewed the entire experience with a grim sort of amusement.)

What pulled me out of the shell was the Autumn, my favorite time of year, a time of gathering and reflection for me, culminating with the Winter Solstice. I worked in my garden and felt the old tug toward my Mother Stone, toward my witchy cabinet...and I paused.

What, really, do I BELIEVE? This keeps coming up over and over again on my path. What do I NEED from my spirituality? What do I want to pass on to my children? What do I want to teach others? What can I GIVE based on my spirituality? Should giving even be a part of my spirituality?

For years, I've tried to smish my soul into boxes that felt uncomfortable, and tried to convince myself that I could believe in a deity that was not central to who I was. I tried to believe that I felt like...that I BELIEVED that deities could grant me things like power or peace and the truth is, I don't. I just don't believe that.

Is it hubris, this idea that I don't have to rely on a god to make magic or peace or power catch fire in me? Well, yeah, by the very definition. Belief in a god requires that you give up a part of yourself that has power and influence over the world. It requires that you say, "I'm not good enough to tap into the Great Good all by myself. I have to use something more powerful than me and admit that I'm weak and flawed and perhaps (depending on your belief system) inherently evil." This...doesn't do it for me. I can buy that humans are inherently flawed and that, indeed, the war between our emotions and our physical self can wreak havoc on ourselves and others. I can even buy that humans were created as part of some divine plan. What I can't buy is the idea that humans were created to be playthings for gods, or solely to praise a god, or to prove that a god was more powerful than another god. I refuse to believe that the human soul, with all of its facets, exists so that it can be judged.

I also can't refute what I know to be scientific truth. And I'm not just talking about biology. I'm talking geology, archaeology, paleontology, physics, chemistry...pretty much every science humans have explains theological beliefs. Just as you can trace the path of language, you can trace the path of religion. I know that thunderstorms can be explained with water vapor and ions and wind power--there isn't a god unleashing his wrath on anybody.

Is there?

Because ultimately, even with all of the science, I'm left with the philosophical "why?" that has always kept me from throwing up my hands and being an atheist. I can't ignore the sense of spirit that I've felt in churches: the day I joined a tiny Baptist church, the night I attended midnight Mass at a Catholic one. I can't deny the feeling of communion I felt when I watched the African American Choral Ensemble perform at UGA almost twenty years ago. I can't pretend that I don't feel a tingle in my fingers when I touch my Mother Stone or that I didn't feel the connection to my Paganistas when we met at the water. And I can't say that I've never prayed to a god and felt a response. These feelings are what keep me walking on a path that is rarely well-lit and feels, frequently, rather lonely.

I want to think that I can connect with the earth under my feet and make magic or send wishes in the air or love through the water without a god intervening. As much as I like Jesus and believe he was (or became) divine, I don't feel him calling to me. As much affection as I have for Brigid, my acknowledgment of her comes with a slightly sardonic grin that I think she'd appreciate. But you don't hear a whole lot about spirituality without gods. Or magic without gods. At least not in the Paganista circles I travel.

Recently, I discovered a description of a fairly young, American religious path called Numenism. It seems to align nicely with my personal beliefs, but finding information about it is DAUNTING to say the least. I can find ONE blogger who writes about it, but can't find any sort of formalized, "this is what we do" page. But I'm thinking...if I can connect a few dots...maybe....

Waiting to Come Out

2011-09-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

Well...hi.

So.

Cough.

How've you been? Read any good books lately?

Sigh.

I don't even know how to start this post, much less say anything profound in it. Spiritually, I'm sort of lost.

No, it's not even that. I'm sort of...empty. I spent such a concentrated amount of time railing against Christianity and being pissed about Christianity and getting all, "Oh, no you WON'T have my country" that I sort of forgot to work on forging a deeper spiritual connection with my universe. Rituals flew out the window. Prayer flew out the window. Pretty much my entire spirituality flew out the window, leaving me...spiritless.

And the messed up thing is that the Universe was calling to me. And I just shut my ears and shut the window and now I'm here, which I guess isn't even technically being lost.

"Here" is a very weird place. It doesn't feel like a bad place. It feels like a resting place. It feels like an empty, quiet place where I'll gather myself once more and head out into the world again.

What makes it weird is that, socially, I AM out in the world. I've got a new job photographing babies in a hospital. Both of my children are in sports. I'm volunteering more at the kidlets' school. I am trying every day to be more present in this community, even if it isn't the community I want to be present in.

So now I'm sitting here, in this quiet, weird little internal room. It doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't feel like a permanent shelter, either. It feels safe, but not forever. It feels like...a spiritual green room.

Many of you follow I'm Not Hannah, so you know that I'm running NaBloWriMo again this year. (If you haven't already, please join us. I know it's late notice and even if you don't get your entry in for a few days, it's okay. We're easy like Sunday morning over there and always add late-comers.) I've decided to try to write every day on THIS blog, as well.

The purpose? Well, I have to leave the green room sometime, don't I? So my purpose will be to gather up all the loose ends of my spiritual self, smooth myself out, and step out. Out of the broom closet, out of the gloom that I've allowed the obnoxious Christians (I'm sorry, I'm just being honest here) to smoosh over me. Just...out. With a smile and a sigh and a Happy Hallowe'en, by the end of this month, I want to be out.

Speaking of Heritage...

2011-07-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

This week, in between giving River Tylenol and trying to not melt in the heat, I have been watching with interest the American Pagan community struggle within itself to find its voice. It's so exciting to watch pieces start to fall in place as one by one we start rethinking and reimagining what the future could be for us.

I've also been watching with horror the images and words coming out of Norway. As the story began to be clearer, the inevitable finger-pointing started, along with a hefty dose of Christian-bashing. Anders Breivik was, after all, a Christian, the finger-pointerers said. He believed himself to be a Knight Templar, a Christian soldier of fate. If you read Breivik's manifesto, however (I forced myself to read as much as I could before I gave it up as a bad job reminiscent of the Tea Party-forwarded emails I've been receiving for the last couple of years), you'll find that Breivik considers Christianity not necessarily a RELIGION but a CULTURE. Now, here's where things start to get kind of weirdly sense-making.

From Breivik's standpoint, Christianity is less about a personal relationship with God and/or Jesus, but about a cultural, European identity. The Church, after all, has occupied Western Europe for pretty much 2000 years (give or take a century or so) and it could be argued that the majority of its countries either are or had been governed or heavily influenced by that Church. It could be further argued that many countries now have democracies or multi-layered governments that exist specifically in opposition to the dictates of the Catholic Church or the idea of a religion ruling a people. Many of the rules and laws that exist in European countries have their root in Judeo-Christian orthodoxy. One could argue they also have their roots in basic human nature: killing people or taking their stuff is wrong. Ahem. I am NOT saying that Breivik was right. Or not an insane, megalomaniacal, awful monster of a person. He was tragically, criminally wrong and bad and evil--but his ideas about a Christian culture made sense in a stomach-dropping sort of way in that I could see the logic that many Americans apply based around this idea.

However, as I thought about this for a couple of days, things started becoming clear to me in a way that I can--just barely--articulate. Here's the best I could come up with:

The United States of America AS A LEGAL ENTITY does not have a Christian base. It does not, officially, have a god whose commandments the people must follow. One does not have to feediddle around with covenants to have an official marriage or contract. For the entirety of our history as a nation, we have been nibbling at the edge of it: our seals and coinage and the pledge feature Jahweh, BUT we cannot be forced to swear allegiance to that god as we spend our money, nor can we be forced to say the pledge.

On the surface, this is all spiffaroonles. We can all (ostensibly) worship how we want. Yay! However, the freedom of religion has also allowed the culturally dominant religion to try to become the culture of our country, which would be all well and good IF there weren't so many versions of that religion. OR if there weren't a whole bunch of us who think Jesus was just fine, thanks, but we'll take a different model of deity. (Or no model, in fact.)

Now, here's where things get really important for us, my Paganistas. America has only been a country for 222 years. (Or 235 if you go by the whole 1776 thing.) That is not NEARLY long enough from an anthropological standpoint for a religious group to claim dibs on a region or country. I mean, I hate to get nerdly about it, but it just isn't. I'm not saying that Pagans have to "claim" America. But we dang sure have to become a more mainstream part of the culture.

It isn't about fighting Christianity. Christianity has no legal superiority here. We can talk a whole lot about Salem, but Salem happened BEFORE the United States happened. And we can talk a whole lot about the prejudice, threats, and ugliness that gets heaped on Pagans. But this doesn't have legal protection; it has cultural protection. And until we claim our share of the culture and exercise our legal rights--delineated by Christian men--to practice our faith, we simply can't expect the prejudice, threats, and ugliness to change. We can't expect the ignorance that drives it to change, either.

You know, we have just as much claim as any other faith does--as any other subsection of our culture does. For centuries, we've allowed our heritage to be the Trials or the alienation brought about by not practicing the mainstream religion of the Old World. THAT seems to be our entry into country's history book: a bunch of folks were accused of practicing magic and killed for it, and we're still paying for it today. A bunch of people in a foreign country that most of us have never visited don't practice our faith, and so we keep hidden about it. But that's REACTIONARY. That is either being pissed off about or getting dragged down by or living up to or measuring oneself against something that, in the legal machinations of American history, did little but provide our Founders with an argument against a theocracy. Should we forget the women and men in our past who, in all actuality, probably didn't practice anything REMOTELY like the bulk of us do today, but were punished or isolated for doing so? Of course not. But we should not let them be the footnote that defines us, the modern Pagans.

Today, on Facebook, I was directed by Angela (my muse of blog-postery) to a group called Pagans of American Revolution Ancestors. Questionable grammatical title issues aside, I liked the group on the spot. On my "real" Facebook page. Because, y'all, here's my American lineage: my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Johan Philip Emert came to Pennsylvania from Germany in 1730. When King George offered British citizenship to immigrants to the American Colonies, Johan accepted. Several years later, Johan's son, Frederick, fought in the Continental Army, on the Pennsylvania Line against the British. He survived the war--in fact, he witnessed Cornwallis' surrender--and in the 1780s, moved to the mountains of Tennessee, where he helped form a settlement now known as Emert's Cove. His son, Frederick, Jr, fought in The War of 1812. My family stayed in those mountains. We still have reunions there every summer. (I missed the one this year because of River's illness.)

I thought a lot about my ancestor today. I thought about what would have happened if he had been killed in Pennsylvania. Or if he'd never added his strength to the forces that cleared a way for our Founders to establish a legal nation. I could never have existed on this planet. It's possible my great great great great great great grandfather's hand was the one that put the rebels over the top. Maybe, without him, the UNITED STATES wouldn't have existed. (Hi. I'm grandiose.)

This isn't about a war, y'all. The war was already fought. It was fought BEFORE our country became a country--and guess what? The other guys lost. I know they lost because we aren't walking around every day in wool dresses and buckled shoes and we get to go to the theater. I know they lost because our Founders used them as an example of what not to do.

This is about stepping up and allowing our spirituality to be a part of our culture. We've let a bunch of losers from a different country dictate how we live our lives for far too long. The folks from OUR country, the ones who fought and bled and died for us, who hammered out a government different than the one they denied--those are the guys whose heritage we should be claiming.

Were they perfect? Most certainly not. There was the eradication of indigenous people, wholesale trade in humans, the negation of women as legal entities. These atrocities FAILED. They failed because of the document the Founders--the Founders of our CULTURE--wrote to announce us to the world did not allow them to succeed.

Being more visible is not just about not getting sneered at when you wear your pentacle to the supermarket. It's about claiming our cultural heritage, our American heritage, the one that many of our forefathers fought for.

Today, I sent a request for membership information into the Daughters of the American Revolution. I said "Blessed be" to the girl behind the counter at the bookstore when I spotted her goddess pendant as I was leaving. I changed my religious views to "Pagan" on my real Facebook page.

Today, I began to claim my heritage.

Bringing Sexy Back to Paganism

2011-07-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, the lovely Angela posted a link on FB to an article which speculated about the reasons behind the decline in Pagan and/or witchcraft-centered books. You can read the article here, but a quick recap would be that the author noted the course of modern Paganism and witchcraft, based around the publishing industry. Then comes a discussion of how lineage traditions are fading and how forums and websites now abound with folks who offer "home spun charm" and "cute little spells" and how these folks are hurting lineage-based traditions.

With respect and love and a deep need for peace, I call bullshit.

In the beginning (and I'm talking "hanging out in caves" beginning, people), humans didn't have to pay for spiritual guidance. You know how you got spiritual guidance? You sat around the firepit and listened to your elders: the hunters who observed nature, the women who gathered food and linked their fertility cycles to the moon and told stories to soothe children, the shamans and priests and priestesses who gathered all of this information and their own observances and hammered out a belief system. Were any of these people touched by Deity? Maybe. We can't know this because not only were we not there to hear them, but we weren't walking around in their skins.

Fast forward a few ten thousand years. People realized that they could PROFIT off of faith. Orel Roberts, Jimmy Swaggert, Rick Warren? Yes, ma'am. But also Scott Cunningham, Ellen Dugan, and, yes, Raven Grimassi, the author of the above blog.

Now, please don't read me wrong. I'm not saying that any author who writes a book about witchcraft or Paganism for profit is a bad person. Far from it. As a writer of fiction, I know the time and preparation and research and actual WORK that writing a book is and I believe that folks should be paid for that work. (After all, the teachers around the ancient fires existed in a community in which every contribution to society was rewarded some way, even if it was simply a place by the fire.)

I further understand that there are writers, such as Mr. Grimassi, who have studied and read and researched for their own spiritual benefit and who are justifiably proud to be able to claim years and years of that study and spiritual growth. My goodness, how wonderful to be able to have felt your faith for thirty years. I often wish that I could feel my faith for longer than a half hour before it turns to something different. (Read: Humanistic Paganism. "Sigh. But I NEED a deity.")

And to defend Mr. Grimassi, I don't believe that his intent was to cause division or anger. I believe he was stating his fears and concerns, and good on him. Honestly. However, as I read and reread the post and then read and reread the comments, and then became engaged in a discussion, I became more and more...well...angry. *Note: Mr. Grimassi is being nothing but kind and clear in this discussion. The anger I feel comes from some comments to his post. I am actually writing this post AS I have this discussion with Mr. Grimassi, which means that this post might be even more disjointed than usual. Wheee!* I read comments from people who talked about more guidance and central organization, NOT as a way for the community to be stronger, but for people to learn the "right way." I read comments that used the f-word--there should NEVER be any shame in being wide-eyed and innocent in your faith. (Oooh, how can a word like "fluffy" piss me off so much??) And I read the seemingly obligatory comment that raked my friend over the coals for doing things like--gasp--having coffee with friends. THE HORROR. A Pagan having coffee with friends!!! (Pardon while I bang my head on my keyboard.)

Here's the thing: the years and years of experience that SOME Pagans or witches or whathaveyou have are beautiful things. And the sharing of their knowledge is also beautiful. HOWEVER, the idea that there can only be one (or a few...let's say seven just to give it a nice, magic-y, historical feel) way of embracing your craft or spirituality is, I think, one of the reasons that folks turn off from this particular path. If you read one book, and it says you should do Lammas this way, and you read another book and it says that you should do Lammas THIS way and one author is of the Stregheria tradition and one is of the Dianic tradition and BOTH have different ideas but believe that they are correct, how is the new Paganista to feel? Which path is best? How many books does one have to read to become a "true" initiate into a path? I give up, let's go get a cheeseburger and watch Dr. Who. (Not, you understand, that watching Dr. Who is ever bad.)

I've read everything from To Ride a Silver Broomstick to A Compedium of Herbal Magick and I have no idea how many more I will read. I relish a good Magical book, both for its knowledge and for its potential. I have learned things and received instruction and felt grounded and centered and happy after doing the learning.

BUT I also have received guidance from folks who started on the path less than a decade ago. Or who never fully embraced ANY path, but wander many. I have learned and grown and thought and dreamed and shared my frustrations with a community that, yes, looks to long-time practitioners, but which also tries to build its own base-faith.

There is a sense, I believe, in established communities that when folks go out on their own, everything falls apart. Look at all the examples: the early Christians (branching from Judaism), the American colonies (branching from Britain), the Protestants (branching from Catholicism), Justin Timberlake (branching from N-Sync.) And sometimes, the new thing fails. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, the new thing brings sexy back.

And maybe, just maybe, that is what "new" Pagans are doing. We are creating our own lineage. That is not to say that we aren't respecting those who went before us. We HAVE to rely on their teachings. But we are also, just maybe, creating our own paradigm in which we also rely on ourselves and our friends to teach us. It's new and different and frightening and frustrating and intuitive and...sexy. We are fricking bringing sexy back to Paganism, my friends.

(Please don't even think about how when I got up from the yoga ball I use as a desk chair, it stuck to the back of my thighs. That is not sexy or magic. It's just humidity.)

Look, I'm absolutely serious about and dedicated to the idea of a central council for Paganism. And I am all for relying on elders in the faiths to provide guidance and knowledge--and to be paid for that. But I am absolutely AGAINST the idea that lineage-based traditions are the only way to be "good" Pagans or witches. And I am absolutely against the idea that new (relatively speaking) Pagans have nothing worthy to teach. And I am absolutely against the idea that the community we are forming here is not in and of itself a lineage we will one day be proud of.

A sexy, sexy lineage.

(I know. I almost fell over when I found this, myself. Thank yoooouuuu, whichever deity is responsible for internet Paganism.)

About "The Project"...Also, Maybe Some Spiritual Direction

2011-07-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

A few quick notes about the Actionary Pagan thingy we're striving for. Thanks to everybody who's FBing me and emailing me and getting in touch with me about it. Yay! It seems there are a lot of us thinking the same way, which I think is fanfrickingtastic.

A couple of things: first, I think I'm going to call the site Informed Pagan. I think it's less incendiary than Actionary Pagan, and also accomplishes the goal of being immediately recognizable as a place from which folks can gain knowledge. Knowledge is power, after all. I've secured the domain and will start working on getting the site up soon. (And the lovely Heather is working on a logo design. Oh, how I luff her.)

Per request and suggestion, there will be a database of Pagan practices, probably organized by name and accompanied by links to more info. There will also be a calendar of sorts--or even a page of calendars. There are sooo many gatherings and opportunities for Pagans to get together and learn and share; we need to take advantage of them.

Finally, there WILL be an Actionary Pagan page. It will be unapologetically a place of political and social action, and it will encourage Pagans to speak up and out. But I want to make something clear: this site will NEVER be one in which we bash other faiths or even faiths inside our own faith. Criticize when provoked? Yes. Debate strenuously when questions arise? Sure. But no bashing, no insulting, no ugliness. Mkay? Mkay.

On an entirely unrelated note, I found the other day a reference to Humanistic Paganism. It occurs to me that this might be the best fit for me that I've found thus far: a spirituality outside of the big three monotheistic faiths (that would be the Pagan part) that embraces human potential and science while also acknowledging the importance of mythology and wonder. I am intrigued and will be exploring this idea as the days go by.

Take care and blessings to y'all!

A Clarification and a Notification

2011-07-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've had a week (or so...ahem...) to think about this whole thing and I think that there are two things that I want to get worked out the most in my head and heart in regard to Paganistas and our place in society.

Gumbo Soul brought up a good point in her comment on the last post when she said, "I think you should support a cause because you believe in it and not solely because of religious convictions." And I agree, to an extent. But my thing is...as a Pagan--at least as the kind of Pagan I'm trying to be--I feel like believing in some causes is due to religious convictions. If I believe that the Earth is a living, breathing embodiment of the female deity (which I do, most of the time), then supporting environmental causes is spiritually grounded and to say otherwise would be denying a part of myself. In fact, it denies me a powerful argument to the wholesale raping of our planet by industrialists (ahem) NOT to use my spirituality in the fight to change policy. There are other causes I support that, perhaps, don't have anything to do with my Paganism SPECIFICALLY; immigration reform, gay marriage, et cetera. But--and now we're getting to the meat of the argument--I feel like, in a certain way, the person I am that lead me to Paganism also leads me to support those causes. A sense of justice for ALL people is one of the reasons that I search for a faith that provides it or at least gives me the framework from which to argue about the need for that justice. One of the reasons that Christians (forgive me for being reactionary, my muffins) are such a powerful social and political force is that they LIVE their religion. They might not follow the letter of the law as spoken by their deity (bitter much, Heather?), but when they make a political move or support a social cause, I would say that the majority of them can back up their actions with Scripture. I don't understand why Pagans are so hesitant to live this way. I mean, I UNDERSTAND it. I do. Hi. I'm in the broom closet, duckies. (Although I totally "came out" to some Christian pals the other day and they barely blinked. Love them so.) So here's what I'm getting at: why should the personal acts of faith (prayer, rituals, meals...you catch my drift) be the only acts of our faith?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with NOT sharing the personal acts of faith with others. Goodness knows that the Pagan community here and I don't practice the same way, and it prevents me from joining up with them. BUT--I wonder how different our community at large could be if we worked together to get bike lanes and added to our argument the fact that as a religious people, we wanted to stop causing harm to our goddess? It's a logical argument, and even more than that, it promotes religious freedom while hurting nobody.

I think that part of the resistance to Paganism as a means for social or political change is that much of the social and political change influenced by Christianity has run counterpoint to Pagan beliefs. But it doesn't make sense for the response to this cycle of influence to be to sit around and wait for those wacky Christians to come up with something wacky for us to protest. What makes more and more sense to me is for Pagans to start coming together proactively in the name of our faith to affect change.

And here's where organization comes in. I don't want any council or circle of elders or whathaveyou to tell me how to worship or to define my faith. I understand very clearly that Paganism, in particular, is impossible to pin down. Just yesterday, I read an article wherein a Pagan (I think a witch, but I was unclear) said that Pagans don't believe in hell. But, frankly, I have a hard time NOT believing in a big bad heaping of punishment for the morally bankrupt. Whoever came up with Jersey Shore sort of NEEDS to be pushing a big boulder up a hill for a few decades....

What?

Right...organization. So, anyway, the organization of the Pagan community in my mind has less to do with rules and more to do with power. That's right. I said it. POWER. Does anybody out there honestly believe that all Christians practice the same? The Protestant/Catholic divide itself is monumental. And it gets even pickier when you get down to Protestant denominations. Sprinkling or dunking, anyone? It's a big deal to some how the sins are metaphorically washed away, y'all. But conservative Christians can and DO rally around certain leaders or organizations, and those organizations DO highlight issues that the conservative Christian movement embraces.

Do I want Pagans to operate that way? Erm...well...I don't know. Is it possible for Pagans to operate that way? It's hard to imagine it, really, the Wiccans and the Fae and the Norse and the Neo-Classicists and the wandering, maybe-I -should-just-give-in-to-Brigid's-voice-but-I-really-would-rather-just-pay-attention-to-the-moon-and-oh,-look-a-pretty-tree-ists unifying under a common umbrella with no bickering or infighting or secret hexing. (Sorry. You KNOW somebody would do it, my peeps.) But it occurs to me that the bickering, infighting, and hexing is no different than ANY group or family. My personal family fights like cats and dogs half the time, but we can do amazing things when we work together.

Because of this, I welcome the idea of a council of folks from various beliefs coming together to create a strategy and guidelines for Pagans to affect social change. Do I think it will be easy to get to this point? Maybe not...but maybe so. Social media has helped us do great things recently...I think it will again.

I mean, consider this: Mrs. B JUST POSTED on FB about what Pagan gathering we'd most like to attend. And I'd never heard of several of them...Pantheacon? Do WHAT? Awesome with awesome sauce. I looked at the programming for some of those conventions and they were so interesting and educational. How cool would it be to watch a discussion of a panel of folks debating what an integrated Pagan community could focus on to enact social change. For me, it would be so. cool.

So here's the notification part: I'm going to do something. I'm not sure what it will be in total, but it will begin like this: a website, with links to issues that are important to Pagans. I don't know where it will go, but I DO know a few things about it:

It will be educational. It will include links to articles, databases, blog posts, et cetera that provide information about Pagan practices, from Wicca to dowsing to Solstices.
It will be political. There are issues that specifically affect Pagans (the chaplain in California, for example) and there are issues that could be influenced by a Pagan mindset (environmental, mainly.)
It will be social. I want to link to blogs and businesses of Pagans across the country and world and encourage communication and action.
It will NOT be reactionary. It will not seek an argument with ANY person or organization based on faith differences, in particular. It will seek to be a means of social change from a Pagan perspective, but it will NOT try to change people, nor will it seek to react to situations that are not Pagan-specific. For example, if a Christian high school student wants to pray before a football game, I don't want to have articles there that decry that student. Instead, I want us to encourage Pagans to embrace the religious protection that allows that student to do so.

I think that number four is the main thing. There are plenty of sites that educate Pagans or create Pagan communities or promote Pagan businesses and I love them. I do. I just want to do something a little...different. It feels sort of...big-headed of me, to be honest. Like, I don't even KNOW what most of my beliefs ARE, so how can I argue that the community whose beliefs I share become more cohesive. But...but...it feels right. Do you know what I mean?

If you're interested in helping out, give me a shout out at nothannah@comsouth.net. I'll be working on this off and on for the next few weeks, with the hope of having something "live" by August.

Actionary Pagans

2011-06-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've started this post over approximately seven times now, because I don't want to piss anybody off or downplay centuries of persecution or be a hypocrite as I rearrange the dustbunnies in my broom closet, but I can't find a way to say it that is smart or gentle or thoughtful, so I'm just going to come right out and say it:

I'm sick of Paganism being a reactionary movement.

It seems like every time I turn around, I'm reading an article about what those crazy (awful, evil, misguided, ignorant, insert your own ugly term here) Christians are doing to screw up the world and then reading a laundry list of comments that bring up Bible verses and religious teachings to really pound into the heads of everybody around that Christians are NOT DOING THEIR RELIGION RIGHT, y'all, and isn't it darkly humorous?

Or I'm reading an article about how an atheist is protesting something the crazy (awful, evil, misguided, et cetera) Christians are doing and how Pagans should totally stage another protest alongside the atheist, because we have to fight the Christian domination.

Or I'm reading the results of a poll that show that Pagans don't want to have a central, organizing body, we just want to be left alone to worship as we will, nor do we want spokespeople to carry our concerns to the legislators. Comments seem to revolve around how Pagans do their own thing, contribute to society as individuals, and don't care to emulate the actions of groups they find deplorable.

On a certain level, I understand and agree with many of the sentiments I find in these articles and polls. I live Under the Buckle of the Bible Belt, y'all, and it is generally one long parade of violations of the separation of church and state and wading through Christian hypocrisy. It is scream-inducing, to say the least.

And to be frank, Christianity is the base-level religion in our country. We can argue against it all we want, but the very concept of the separation of Church and State comes from a reaction in the Christian (or Deist, for a few) Founders to the bloodbath that was the Plymouth colony and the dream of William Penn's democratic utopia. Thomas Jefferson might have believed that a religious state was wrong, but this belief came from the cultural background of failed Christian statehood.

Finally, you can't ignore the ingrained belief in the most vocal of Christians that Pagans are going to hell, that ANYBODY not Christian is going to hell and that somehow, this should be the basis of a government, complete with the military might to do away with anything not Christian. Ugh.

But...you know, you can't ignore something else. Christians are NOT reactionary. They are actionary (ooh, look, I invented a word.) They DO things in the name of their faith (sometimes AWFUL things, granted.) They come together in groups not just to protest other faiths, but to do good works: they say, "We are a Christian group and we are going to feed these children, rebuild this town, clean up this street." And then they do it. And it occurs to me that perhaps this is why Christianity has been so successful. It is based on organization, numbers, and ACTION.

As bizarre as it sounds, maybe this is what Pagans should start thinking about as our numbers surge. What would be wrong with a Pagan Council with representatives from various faith families? What would be wrong with a clearing house website of sorts, built and maintained by this council with information about the various faith paths, so that folks who are questioning the Pagan path can find this information easily? What would be wrong with this Council sponsoring or helping to organize charities that are specifically funded? Honestly, I want to know.

Are we afraid of infighting? Honey, please. Every other week there's a new "witch war" that breaks out on the interwebs, often over the use of the word "pagan" or "magic(k)" or...catch my drift?

Are we afraid of losing the safety of the status quo? Do no harm is the creed many of us follow, but doing no harm also seems--at least to many of us, myself included--to have become "do nothing."

It's weird, isn't it? A couple of weeks ago, we saw Pagans from all walks of life band together to support a handful of Pagan mothers who blog. This was a concerted effort, with leaders and spokespeople that enacted change. WE CHANGED THE WORLD. Yes, it was a tiny corner of the interwebs, but we changed that tiny corner. We changed the minds of people. We made friends with and educated people we wouldn't have normally even glanced at.

So...why can't we apply that to the real world? Why can't we get organized to enact change and educate others?

What is it, really, that prevents us from taking action?

Back Again, With a Vengeance...

2011-06-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

Well, this is awkward. The Divining Women WP page is down right now and while I get that all worked out, I thought I'd post here, even if I told you I wouldn't. It is ENTIRELY possible that you won't read this, which would be weird, like I'm talking to myself.

Which, truth be told, wouldn't even be weird for me. I mean, come ON. I have brilliant convos with myself on an hourly basis.

ANYWAY, I've been having some spiritual difficulties lately. Shockertoodles, I know. I honestly wonder if, perhaps, I'm meant to be a spiritual wanderer and that instead of being frustrated, I should just go with it. It doesn't feel right to be constantly questioning, but maybe what I'm perceiving as not "right" is a socially ingrained thing. Like, our society says we're supposed to hang out with folks like us, and since there don't seem to be a lot of folks like me (Celia, I cling to you, my friend), it feels uncomfortable in my spiritual skin.

All of the above makes sense to me, and I'm trying to find a way to be open to being a wanderer, BUT my issues right now are very specific, and I'm gonna lay them out for you and see what you think. M'kay? M'kay.

I am loosely a member of a Pagan group around here. I say "loosely" because I have never hung out with these folks and only met one of them in person, and SHE only because she is a teacher at one of the local schools. (We flash our respective Paganista jewelry at each other and grin like monkeys when we see each other.) I do, however, receive periodical mailings from their Yahoo group and keep abreast of what they're doing. To be honest, I've avoided the group in many ways because of the mailings. One mailing, around Halloween, invited all members of the group to a party and ritual. Except, we were supposed to leave the children behind, due to adult activities.

Blink.

Um, what? What kind of adult activities are we talking about? Are we talking about getting naked? Are we talking about getting nekkid? (Naked means unclothed. Nekkid means unclothed with the intent to get freaky. Snort. I love the South.) Drinking? Drug use? What? Also, let me go ahead and tell you that while I love to hang out with adults only and babysitters are pretty much agents of the gods, I'm not really down with any religious ritual that excludes the bebes. I know that there are Pagans who take the Summer King/May Queen thing seriously, and I'm okay with that, but that isn't the way the kidlets are being raised and goodness knows I'm firm on little enough of their religious education to be able to give on that item. So I skipped that ritual and was left feeling a little icky about the group.

Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago, when I received another group email. This was from a male member, who has been vocal about the organization of the group and its purpose. The email described the structure of the coven that he'd headed up in the past, and suggested that, while this group wasn't a coven, it might be a good idea to follow the structure. What followed was a list of at least fifteen things that members needed to do or be or have. There were tool requirements, ritual requirements, SILENCE requirements, and the requirement that teaching would follow the male to female model. Erm. Huh. Okay. First, I'm not Wiccan. And while I respect my Wiccan brothers and sisters, I don't know that I'm down with following "their" rules of worship. Second, goodness me, there were a lot of requirements. I felt a little bit like I was reading a metaphysical list I needed to organize before going to a grown-up version of Hogwarts. Third, really with the male/female thing? I mean, okay, I get that and I know that both the Gardnerian and Alexanderian schools of Wicca emphasize the male/female dynamic and I understand the place of sexual magic for some practitioners, but at the same time, I have to admit that I feel squidgy about this whole thing. I HOPE I'm not reacting in a knee-jerk "this is what I've always heard about witches, those dirty dogs" way, but everything in me is just screaming out "not-safe" about this. Of course, I'm also cognizant of the fact that I am most comfortable discussing and learning about my spirituality with women, and that having been raised in an area where women are often marginalized religiously because of their gender, I am not really okay with having a man be my spiritual teacher.

Hi. I have big spiritual suitcases of issues.

Okay, so then the whole Circle of Moms awfulness happened. Blech. You can read about my take on it at I'm Not Hannah, but suffice to say, it left a taste of brimstone and ashes in my mouth. Blech, squared. I have been blessed by the feeling of solidarity in the Pagan community AND by the overtures of love and light from a few Christian folks, but on the whole, it made me feel awful. Angry and sad and beaten and awful. I feel better now, but it was a rough couple of days for me on the spiritual front.

It was for this reason that I got really frustrated yesterday during a convo on The Pagan Mom Blog's FB page, which had come from an article from Reuter's posted by Witchvox's FB page. (Whew!) At issue was the school in Texas whose valedictorian had been given the right to pray at graduation. An agnostic family did not want this to happen, as they felt it forced them to be subject to religion. When a judge overturned another judge's decision to disallow student prayer at graduation, the Christian students were, understandably, pleased and felt that God was at work.

For some reason, this really pissed off a lot of Pagans. The discussion on TPMB's FB page (and Witchvox and other groups who discussed it) seemed to center around how different it would have been if the valedictorian had been a Pagan and wanted to pray. And how Christians thought they ran everything. And how Constitutional rights had been violated.

On one hand, I understand. Trust me when I say I understand. I live in a town where Christianity pretty much runs the show. One Good Friday, I had to listen while a teacher read what was quite possibly the cheesiest metaphor for the open tomb (it involved an empty plastic Easter Egg, y'all...for serious) over the intercom for the entire school. I had to physically restrain one of my students who I thought was going to run into the office and get herself expelled, she was so mad. (She was also a Christian. She just took the establishment clause really seriously.) Another time, I had to watch an opposing team's majorettes hoist up purple-draped crosses and march across the football field during the halftime show. (I died laughing. It was honestly the trashiest, tackiest, most stereotypical display of Southern Christianity I'd ever seen. My fellow teachers got misty-eyed and lost a lot of respect for me. It was awful. And hysterical. And AWFUL.) Those two incidents were violations of the First Amendment of the Constitution, in that, by forcing students to hear tacky stories or watch tacky halftime routines that promoted one religion (and even more specifically, the part of the religion that made the religion, i.e., the Resurrection) and were directed by a state employee, the school was in effect establishing an official religion for the school. Wrong. Bad. No good.

However, by allowing a student to offer a personal prayer, the school was actually upholding part of the first amendment, which says that the state should not impede the free exercise of a religion. Graduation is NOT a mandatory school event. It is a ceremony that is open to invitation. Further, unless the student body was forced to rise and pray along with the student BY AN EMPLOYEE OF THE SCHOOL, the state was in no way establishing an official religion.

All of that is the legal stuff. But it goes deeper than that. Pagans in this situation are siding with AGNOSTICS. Now, I'm not knocking on the agnostics. I am twenty-seven shades of doubting most of the time. But if you claim Paganism, if you claim a BELIEF, then in this argument, you are not on the side of the agnostic family. Because, one assumes, if your baby was the valedictorian and wanted to pray to Isis, the agnostic family would be all up in your Kool-Aid and YOUR baby wouldn't be allowed to pray, either.

Pagans have to CLAIM our religious freedoms. (See: pentagrams on headstones.) But that does NOT mean that we have to get pissed off when other people have their religious freedoms protected. This ruling could actually be a boon to Pagans, as well as to people of other religions. It tells us that the state cannot make rulings denying individuals the right to pray at public events. This is a good thing, unless you WANT a state in which your child is not allowed the right to express him or herself religiously.

And you might want that. It's entirely possible that, as Pagans, some people would prefer for religion to be a private matter, with rituals and prayers offered only at home. And that's cool. I totally get that. (Want to know who else was cool with praying in public? Jesus. I'm not kidding. I've been reading a lot of Gospels lately.) But that does NOT mean that all people have to pray in private, nor does that mean that you have the right to tell a Christian child that her prayers don't get Constitutional protection.

I understand this is a touchy, weird subject with all kinds of historic background that makes it uncomfortable and scary. And I also know that Texas is a religiously nutso state with a nutso, secessionist, religious weirdo governor who is organizing a gigantic prayer session to pray for our wayward nation, which SCREAMS to me of all kinds of hypocritical, establishment-acting behavior. (If he runs for president, please believe that I will contemplate running skyclad down the street, waving my American flag behind me. He scares the mess out of me.) But let's not lump all Christians into a bag of rights-suppressing crazies, because it really pisses us off when they lump all Pagans into a bag of dark-worshipping spell-chanters, right?

Did I mention I was reading the Bible lately? Gah, I don't even know HOW to articulate this bit of spiritual questing, except to say that, philosophically, I have no issue with Jesus and that his teachings were so spot on and full of Truth that it's very easy for me to understand why a person would want to follow him. For serious. Now, I don't much care for Paul. Or Timothy, really. And the whole of the Old Testament is either boring or confusing. But Jesus? He's cool.

Which, of course, only complicates things, which is, of course, EXACTLY what I don't need right now and to be frank, makes me want to go hide under the couch and chat with the dustbunnies.

Who are non-religious, I hear, so that might be a good thing....

Closing Up Shop For Good

2011-01-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

httpThis will be the last post on the Blogger page. Over the course of the next few days, I'll be moving old posts from here to the new site. (Wish me luck...I've heard it isn't always easy.) I'm pleased with how the new site is coming along, although posting took a hit over the holidays!

I'm looking forward to building the bonfire back up, so to speak, and invite you to join in on the conversations at the forum or on posts. Oh, and we have a book giveaway going on right now. Yay!

I know some of you have had issues trying to follow the new blog or knowing when it updates. If you're still having problems, one suggestion might be to follow I'm Not Hannah, which sounds like a shameless plug, but I promise it's not--I'm just adding a DW badge there to let folks know about updates.

In any case, I hope to see you around, my friends. Blessings to you!

New Post Up at the New Site

2010-11-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks! So. I've got the RSS feed working up at the new site, meaning you can subscribe and be alerted to updates. Yay! Still scouting around for more options, so let me know if this doesn't work for you.

There's a new post up at the new site: herb gardening in Autumn. Chilly, of course, but with fewer spiders. (Or IS it?)

http://www.thediviningwomen.com

New Post Up at the New Site

2010-11-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, here's another one. I'll probably keep this up for another week and then move to Twitter updates to notify y'all of another post. So if you want to follow, my twitter handle for Divining Women is NotHannahDW (I know...originality is my middle name.)

I'm so tickled the forum is growing. I'll continue adding to and subtracting from the site, tweaking as we go along. Please let me know if you have any problems...

http://thediviningwomen.com/2010/11/17/have-wand-will-travel/

New Post Up at the New Site

2010-11-16T08:07:00.001-08:00

Join us at the bonfire! (The weather's chilly...we need one today!)

http://www.thediviningwomen.com

New Post Up at the New Site

2010-11-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

Go here to check it out! http://www.thediviningwomen.com/

If you're having problems changing over the address, let me know.

Peace to you!

Halloween Giveaway Fun With Mrs. B

2010-10-12T05:29:00.001-07:00

This year, I'm participating in Mrs. B's 31 Days of Halloween! Yay! What this means is that if you go here and follow the instructions, you are entered to win a charm made by Yours Truly that will be something along these lines:

or maybe this:

Or maybe something else, based on a few new designs I've come up with. The point is, if you sign up over at Mrs. B's, you'll be signing up for a chance to win a charm made by me, stuffed full of herbs grown by me, stones or shells or pebbles or feathers found by me, and as many good intentions I can fit in there.

Good luck!

Having Our Candy Corn and Eating It, Too

2010-10-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

Willow Silverwitch over at A College Witch's Experiences posted a link to the story that has been circulating around the witchy community over the past few days (no, not the one about That O'Donnell Woman) in which a school district in Washington state canceled annual Halloween celebrations in order to be more "respectful" to members of the Wiccan/Pagan community. The supposed logic was that the "traditional" Halloween witch (warts, cauldron, cackle, etc.) was disrespectful to those of us who rally around a witchy flag and, thus, the celebrations shouldn't go forth.

I say "supposed" because many folks have opined that this is just a veiled attempt by Christian parents to purge the schools of all things witchy as Paganism becomes more widely-known and accepted. This seems plausible to me. It also seems plausible that this might be a backlash against the protests of Christmas parties and Easter parades made by those living outside the Christian umbrella.

In any case, some witchy folk seem to be very upset about this whole thing, and I have to say...it surprises me a little bit. It seems to me that if Wicca and Paganism in general are mainstream enough to be purged from the schools, we ought to be happy. It means we've risen to the status of a "top tier" religion in the eyes of the district. Sigh.

Here's the thing: if you are a witch and you are arguing that Halloween should be allowed to be celebrated in schools because it's a sacred holiday, in my opinion (I'm sorry...I know this will upset folks), you are missing the point. Public schools should NOT be the place where children learn about the religious traditions of various faiths.

Now, before you flame me and call me ugly names and question my witchitude, I KNOW. Public schools in America--and particularly in my particularly sweaty home Under the Buckle--have long been places where children were made to pray to a Christian god, pledge allegiance to a Christian nation, and been made to listen to stories about empty Easter eggs over the intercom. (My head exploded more than one time when I was a public school teacher. Remind me to tell you about the football game I went to once in which the flag corps of the visiting team's band came marching across the field carrying giant, purple-draped crosses. I almost fell out on the sidelines gasping "separation of church and state" while my fellow teachers murmured about how beautiful the entire sequin-bedazzled spectacle was.) BUT that doesn't make it right and federal case after federal case has come down the pipe which uphold the idea that public schools CAN'T subject children to religious indoctrination.

My point is this: we can't say that we want Halloween to be celebrated at schools because it's sacred to us. I mean, we CAN, of course, but that doesn't make it Constitutionally correct. If you want your children to celebrate Halloween as a religious holiday, that is your right as an American and more power to you. Hold your kids out from school and use a religious holiday excuse and if your school wants to start something with you, I will be there with bells on and my copy of the Bill of Rights pasted to my forehead (with eyeholes cut out, of course.) However, if you want to complain about how the school won't let you celebrate a religious holiday at school, I'm sorry, I'm out. I won't get all rowdy with the Christians about this, either. Or the Muslims or Jews or Hindus or even the Worshippers of the File Cabinet. Because I don't believe that any religious celebrations should occur at public schools.

Now...that doesn't mean that I can't get behind the idea of a secular holiday celebration. Bring on the witches and cauldrons and jack-o-lanterns and whathaveyou. Because even if those things have a religious BASIS, they do not, in our modern times, represent religious PRACTICE. They are cultural levelers, in my mind. A kid is just a kid when she puts on a Pink Power Ranger costume. Skin color, religion, even gender don't matter on Halloween. We're all just crazy people eating candy and dressing up.

The same thing goes, for me, with Christmas celebrations. (And here's where I become even MORE separated from many in the witchy community.) Santa Claus and Christmas stars might have religious bases, but they are not, in current practice, religious. Again, they are cultural levelers. Any child can believe in the magic of Santa, no matter what his or her background. Yet some witches and Pagans get NUTS over others in our belief circle who celebrate the Jolly Old Elf.

My question is...can we have it two ways? If we want as a belief circle for our "out of the box" religion to be acknowledged, doesn't that mean that it has to be separate from the public domain? If we want people to see Halloween as a religious holiday, doesn't that mean that we have to stop embracing the secular aspect of it?

I really don't know the answer to these questions. All I know is that wanting to have our candy corn and eat it too comes a little too close to the righteous indignation of Christians who get all peeved at the commercialism of Christmas while railing against the phrase "Happy Holidays."

So, to sum up, I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, in the words of David Cassidy: religion is hard.

Your thoughts?

Feeling the Lack of a Congregation

2010-10-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's the New Moon again. I am determined to Meet at the Water (who's in?) tonight and offer up some healing (and maybe get some in return), but the truth is that this week has hit me like a few ton of bricks and when I realized this morning that there were three fairly important things I had meant to do this week and NONE of them got accomplished, I'll be honest when I said, "Unnnnhhhhh....PLUS the New Moon. Greeaaat."

I'm having a hard time putting into words what I mean. (I've erased the following paragraph at least fifteen times. Frankly, I'm not sure that you'll actually get to read any of what I'm about to write right now. And now I'm having some kind of weird, existential blog crisis. EXCELLENT.) But it occurs to me that times like this is when it would be outstanding to have a congregation. Coven. Circle? It would be outstanding to have a group of people who worship in a way vaguely related to the way I worship so that somebody could call me up and say, "Hey, are you Meeting Us at the Water tonight? Connie filled her birdbath and is making spaghetti." And I'd be all, "Yeah, we are SO there. I'll bring a pie."

I'm going to use the word "congregation" here, so nobody freak out. Feel free to substitute whatever word for "a group of people who worship in the same way" floats your boat.

Anyway, a congregation acts as a reminder--a living, breathing, able to be touched reminder--that we are all connected by one purpose. That there are days of the year that are sacred and to be honored. That there are rituals that are important.

One thing I've noticed during the last year that I've been functioning as a Pagan online is that there is a...looseness in Paganism. And at first, I really loved that. I would fret about missing a Sabbat or solstice or phase of the Moon and people would say, "It's okay. The goddesses and gods understand." And any guilt or concern I had would float away. I mean, it didn't really MATTER to Mother Nature if I forgot it was the Full Moon, right? She had plenty of other folks to deal with.

But now, that looseness seems...reckless? Dangerous? No, not that. (Hi. I'm thinking out loud. Bear with me.) It feels wrong to poopoo the gentle understanding I've gotten from so many of you. That love and kindness is one of the reasons that I've grown deeper in my faith. But it feels, now, that the vagueness is...disrespectful.

Yeah. I'm gonna go with that.

If I believe that Mother Nature and the Elements and the Moon and Sun take care of me, shouldn't I honor that steadfastly? If I believe that those entities not only give me life and a home, but also a spirit with which to connect to them, shouldn't I set aside days to really THANK them for that existence?

I mean, I try to live that way. Recycling and trying to exercise more and be outside more and gardening...heck, even COOKING...are ways in which I connect to that which I feel called to honor spiritually. But...is that enough?

Perhaps one of the reasons why the Judeo-Christian religions flourish is because from the beginning, they relied on big wads of people getting their prayer on en masse. They had specific times in which to get their prayer on--special days, festivals, rituals.

There is comfort in being part of a spiritual group. I remember the Christian congregations I communed with long ago very clearly. I might have spent my time during the sermons rolling my eyes and feeling stifled, but I loved the big meals in the fellowship hall. I loved getting hugs after the service and playing with the kids in the parking lot and gossiping with the old ladies about the other old ladies during picnics.

There is also safety. Maybe one of the reasons it's so difficult to come out of the broom closet is that there are so few of us in some areas that doing so is dangerous, even if it's only in a social way. How much easier would it be to come on out and say, "I'm a witch" if you could do so revival-style, in front of a crowd of people who would congratulate you and hug you and tell you how happy they were for you?

Now, I'm not knocking my internet congregation. When I say I love you, I mean it. But I wish I could SEE you and give you squeezes and look into your faces tonight instead of clacking away on my keyboard tomorrow and reading about your experiences. It's lovely to read them. It makes me smile to do so. But I want to smile WITH YOU.

Sigh. I think that part of this is that I just feel so...disconnected from the people around here in general. They are mostly good folks, but while we're all excited about the big fair that starts tomorrow and the cooler weather and football season, few of them are feeling the spiritual rush I get from this time of year. (Or if they are, they're staying mum about it.) I'd love to take a walk in the woods with somebody who FEELS this time of year the way I do. Or sit up late talking with her. Or sit quietly by a pond and commune with Mother Nature with her.

Am I the only solitary who feels like this? Any members of a congregation have any advice for times like this?

Hope you all have good days. Meet you at the Water tonight...

Are We Looking At a Schism or a Bridge?

2010-10-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

The other day, I received a comment on the post Hanging Out in the Broom Closet. You can read the whole of the comment at the link, but the gist of it was: You shouldn't be afraid to proclaim your Paganicity and if you are hiding in the broom closet, shame on you and your little dog, too. The commenter was "Anonymous," which I found amusing. And irritating. When I called the commenter on it, she responded with her name. Now, at that point in time, I considered going off on her in the comments, because her comment made me angry and defensive. But a cooler head prevailed...who am I kidding? Y'all, I just got caught up in the insanity of my week, and I didn't have time to respond. Luckily, in the intervening time, I came to a place where I no longer wanted to call the commenter a poopyhead, and I was able to read her comment for maybe something encouraging. Maybe.

Then this morning, I was toodling around on Twitter and found that The Domestic Witch had posted a plethora of articles centering on That O'Donnell Woman's silliness (and the Pagan community's response to it), as well as this article, which puts forth the interesting idea that the traditional, Gardnerian Craft is being eroded or forgotten or made less mysterious (I'll be honest and say that I was a little confused at times during the article) as the tenets of it are being broadcast across the interwebs and, thus, folks don't have to rely on groups or covens for their teaching. Clearly, as a solitary witch who does NOT follow the Gardnerian tradition (at least not wholly), I don't know how I feel about this, although I was sort of mystified by, once again, the concept of witches having a responsibility to come out of the broom closet.

THEN I started thinking about a conversation I had with my Pagantastic brother about some advice I'd given him. He had bound somebody, a practice with which I don't agree. I just feel icky about binding, although I have worked protective spells to shield myself or others against specific people. In any case, he had contact with that person again, which to me meant that he'd wonkied up the binding, because he'd voluntarily resumed contact with that person. I felt very strongly about it, but he felt very strongly the other way.

So during a loooooonnnng field trip with my son's class yesterday, I was stewing over this whole thing. I'm not sure if the pieces all fit together the way I want them to, but here's what I was left with:

I don't believe any person of any faith has the right to tell any person of any faith how to make his or her peace with his or her deity. I don't think Baptists have the right to tell Mormons they aren't Christians, and I don't believe that a Gardnerian witch has the right to tell a Hellenic worshipper that she isn't venerating the right goddess. I DO believe that we need to listen more to each other, however, even when what we're listening to doesn't jibe with our own beliefs.
The Pagan community is NOT one homogeneous wad of folks, and this is bound to cause some problems for us as we become more active and accepted in our society. I think it is going to become important for leaders to start stepping forward and working together even as we grow stronger in our individual beliefs. Maybe this is already happening, and I don't know about it. All I know is that That O'Donnell Woman has put us on the map and we'd better pull ourselves together. You know, spiff up the cauldrons, put out the clean altar cloths, polish our pentagrams, trim the herbal knot in the front yard...
The broom closet is an uncomfortable place, really. It smells like cleaning supplies and dust bunnies and, Mother help us all, I think I just spotted a spider over there. BUT--it is SAFER for me and and for my family for me to lurk here a while. I envy the folks who are free to be you and me, but I'm not. Being completely "out" would make it difficult for me with some of my family members. And, yes, Jessica, if people really care about me, they'll love me regardless of my faith. The sad thing is that our lives don't just depend upon the people who care about us. We have to work and live in communities which are full of people who don't give a rat's ass about us--they need our services or our taxes or our business and as long as they have that, they're content. But because we need them as well, for their services or goods or jobs, we have to walk a fine line. Of course, I could always sue somebody who refused to hire me because I was a witch, which would make life nigh to impossible for me in my community. Could I move to a place more understanding? If there was a job there for my husband and a climate we'd enjoy and good schools and...do you get my drift?
I love the Pagan community I've found online. It is, by and large, supportive and eager for connection. And even if that isn't a "real" coven, it's what I've got to work with. I LEARN from folks here. I share my own knowledge. Heck, we've WORKED together, when we Meet at the Water. Yes, there are those of us who are newbies. Or those of us whose hearts aren't in it. But...there are folks in "real" covens or groups or enclaves or whatever exactly like that. Are those covens or groups or enclaves less real because of them?
I worry about the Pagan community I've found. I haven't had many negative experiences within it, but the ones I've seen can very quickly turn ugly and bitter, with folks taking sides and calling names. We must work together to be understanding and supportive when we come to those gaps in beliefs that can become schisms within our community that cannot be bridged.

Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm going on too few hours of sleep and taking this all too seriously. I might wake up in a few minutes and find that I've written this post in my dreams (and thus have to write it all over again, which would make me CRAZY. I mean...it would drive me crazy. Crazier? Sigh...) If I haven't, I want to say to Jessica: thank you for making me think. I believe that you are wrong about the necessity for people to come out of the broom closet--and for the belief that it is a simple thing to do. But I hope that folks will always feel that they can speak openly here--and that they will meet people with open minds and hearts when they do it.

So, I'm a Witch, Apparently

2010-09-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

The other day somebody asked me a question about Autumn--I can't remember what. It all runs together these days...I'm pretty sure September is designed specifically to make me go nuts--and I said, "Well, of course. I'm a witch, after all."

Um.

What?

Then a few days later, Mrs. B linked to a story about a man in Canada being arrested for witchcraft and I got all huffy in the comments and said, "As a witch..."

Hunh?

Then that mess with the O'Donnell woman and her bloody altar picnic (bleagh) came up and I was just flabbergasted and peeved at the joke that witchcraft was to a lot of folks. It made me personally angry.

But the corker was Sunday night when we rented Double, Double, Toil and Trouble with the Olsen twins before they started wearing red lipstick and forgetting how to smile. Y'all. That movie was awful. Aw. Ful. Aw to the ful. Awful, Awful, Bleagh and Awful. Not even Will from Will and Grace could save it. Not even Cloris Leachman. Not even ANTHONY from DESIGNING WOMEN could save it.

Not only was the acting sub-par (sorry Mary Kate and Ashley), but the story was just dumb. And it offended the poo out of me. Every five minutes, I wound up saying, "Are you kidding me?" or "That is soooo wrong." or "Who came up with this mess?"

First was a character talking about a "gathering" that had gone on since the "time of the Druids and Pagans" for witches. (Vague much?) Apparently, this was only for the bad witches, though. Like Cloris Leachman, who you knew was bad because she wore a lot of black and lace and had long, grey hair that she wore in a braid. (Frankly, whichever Olsen twin wears those long dresses and clunky shoes and ratty shawls might actually have gotten her fashion inspiration here. Just saying...)

A lot of dumb stuff happened and then we were at the gathering, where...I don't even know where to start. There was moaning and chanting and waving one's hands in the air like one just didn't care. It was ridiculous and annoying and at some point in time, I said, "My witchy stomach cannot take this." Seriously. I don't know y'all and you might very well rat your hair and smear on black eyeliner and dress in a black lace skirt under a barbershop quartet jacket so you can wail something discordantly, and Mother love you for it. But I'm sorry, if I saw you doing that, I have to say that I would laugh hysterically at you while pointing you out to all of my friends because you were acting the fool. It's true. Sue me for being narrow-minded.

Anyway, what all this boils down to is that somehow over the course of a few weeks, I've started thinking of myself as a witch. I mean, I'm a pagan, because I'm not a Christian. But the thing is, that's so vague and it doesn't really pinpoint how I work, what I do, or my specific world view.

Will I tell anybody outside of this blog? Erm. I don't know. "Pagan" is so much...easier for people to take, you know what I mean? It's so much more accessible. It conjures up images so much less...Cloris Leachman-y in Awful, Awful, Bleagh and Awful.

I don't know if this is a step forward or back or in another direction or what. For now, I'm just going to let the label lie quietly over me to see if it fits. We'll see...

I wanted to remind you that NaBloWriMo starts on Friday. I was hoping to get more Paganesque people involved, because it's a great way to get into the habit of writing frequently AND meet interesting people. We've got a pretty big list so far, but we are woefully short on my Pagan Peeps. So I invite you to head on over to the website and check it out. If you're interested, shoot me an email at nothannah @ comsouth dot net and we'll get you on the list.

Later, taters. Hope all is well with you and yours!

We Have a New Winner!

2010-09-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, Celia! You were lucky number 19, which means that I need you to email me your address ASAP so I can get the Mabon book out to you. Yay!

Meg, I'm so sorry you missed out on the book...that just stinks. Shoot me an email and I'll let you know what I'm thinking about as a consolation prize.

I STILL mean to have a new post up sometime today. Really. Promise.

CALLING ALL MEGS!!

2010-09-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys! I'll have a new post up today, but I wanted to give a shout out to Meg, because I haven't heard from her yet. Meg, please send me your info, because if I haven't heard from you by noon today, I'm going to have to draw again so I can make sure the Mabon book gets to the winner by...um...Mabon. :)

Have great mornings!

A Smorgasbord of a Monday

2010-09-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

Good morning, lovies! Whew...this weekend pretty much hit me right in the face...family business that called me back to my hometown. I was able to spend some great time with loved ones, though, and to visit with our family land, which is pretty much my spiritual center. I just breathe easier there, ya know?

BUT--I was so busy being busy and visiting and centering and breathing that I forgot to pick a winner for the Ellen Dugan book. Doh! So a few minutes ago, I used the Truly Random Number Generator and it came up with Meg--comment number one. Yay, Meg! Hit me up with your addy and info so I can send the book out in time for Mabon. Thank you to everybody who commented--your words made me want to snuggle up under a blanket outside with some warm spiced beverage and maybe a scone. :)

Thank you, also, for your kind words about the New Moon. The aforementioned family business was just one thing weighing me down, and I believe that it was RIGHT for me to not have a ritual. I'm glad that those of you who did Meet at the Water still fill the pull and I want you to know that your kinship makes me happy. Oh, and Moon Daughter, don't you DARE feel bad for one tiny minute. I loved your post and ritual and am so glad did it!

Busy, busy day today--cleaning, crafting, scrying, biking, whew... Love and light to you all!

Silent On the New Moon

2010-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

I just got finished reading Moon Daughter's GORGEOUS description of her New Moon ritual, and I have to say it left me feeling both inspired and deflated. Inspired because it was such a personal, thoughtful process for her and deflated because I didn't have an experience like that.

This New Moon left me feeling...silent. Brooding. Worried. I'm not sure the cause of it; I'm still trying to puzzle it out.

Part of it, I think, is because it's brown widow season here and I've been finding a lot around: in my compost heap and at the homes of two of my Meals On Wheels clients. I am used to finding them this time of year and I shouldn't be as freaked out as I am by now, but this year, they felt like a portent--a warning to be careful and watchful and wait. I feel a strong sense of the need to harvest and plan for the future, but not in a refreshing kind of Autumn, New Moon way.

This is tied, I'm pretty sure, to the growing dismay I have over the behavior of some of my fellow Americans. The rage that many people feel toward Muslims of all type feels dangerous to me, like a fever that might kill you if you aren't careful. I can't help but feel, as the wheel turns toward the time of year that is most sacred to me, a sense of danger from those people. I wrote about it on I'm Not Hannah, from a primarily political perspective, but I'm wondering if any of YOU have those same feelings.

Another part of it is that I'm starting to think about creating and selling charms and charm-related items. This feels great to me on one hand and kind of weird on the other. I love to share my charms with people, but I am anxious about selling them. Perhaps I should do a Tarot reading to sort of figure it out?

Add to it the sort of nerve-wracking work I'm trying to do for the new Divining Women site and there's a whole lot of creative snarlings-up in my brain.

Anyway, all of this together meant that on the New Moon, I felt so spiritually overloaded that I just couldn't come to the Water. I'm not sure that I would have been able to release anything good and I don't want to ask for anything, as I'm asking already for clarity.

So I was silent. I didn't recharge my travel charm, I didn't get naked in the backyard, I didn't even take a ritual shower. I was mindful all day of the New Moon, feeling it heavy inside me, where I usually feel a sense of purpose and beginnings.

I'm not sure how to take this. I don't feel guilty about not participating, but I do feel sad about missing out on companionship, and I hate the idea of the movement languishing away. I think I'll work some sort of building ritual or make a charm as the Moon waxes to try to focus more on my goals and then work with a divination practice on the Full Moon?

Did you celebrate the New Moon? Did you Meet at the Water? I'd love to hear about it...

OH! I almost forgot! Today is the last day to comment and enter the drawing for the Ellen Dugan Mabon book. Go here to enter if you haven't already.

Also, I'm heading up NaBloWriMo this year. Basically, it's a challenge for the month of October to blog every day for the month. As of yet, there aren't any prizes going on (I might offer a blog makeover for the fun of it), but the challenge itself is a prize. I've met sooo many wonderful people through NaBloWriMo, people who I consider my friends. If you'd like to join us, you can visit the NaBloWriMo site here.

Have lovely days, my friends...

A New Riff on the Autumn Equinox

2010-09-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, these cooler mornings. (Anything cooler than eighty degrees around here is a step in the right direction.) Autumn is right around the corner--even if, technically, it's still hot as blue blazes in Dingleberry until, say, Halloween. This year, I'm determined to make something of the Equinox. I mean, a full moon AND the Equinox? Come ON. I'm going to talk to Will about it. He's been very open to discussing my ideas in the past and even has joined me at some bonfires that have ceremonial purpose for me, so I think that the time is ripe to let him know that I'm stepping it up a bit in terms of my spiritual practice and our family. And I've been reading Ellen Dugan's book (pssst...have you entered to win it?), gathering up some ideas.

The only thing is...we don't have much of a harvest this year. My tomato and peppers were decimated by a virus, my cucumbers got wilt, my pumpkins had a squash borer, my beans never produced, AND I got one of these beauties in there:

Arrrrghhhh.

What?

Sorry. My garden, she was not feeling it this year. I got lots of herbs out of it (and will continue to do so...I'm harvesting tarragon, stevia, and oregano today, with lavender, chocolate mint, and basil tomorrow), but the veggies were a bust. I'm planning to do some lettuces and spinach, some carrots (which have to go in TODAY) and other fall/winter veggies, but as far as putting stuff up, not so much.

My point is that there isn't really a harvest in our home to be celebrated. At least, not one from our garden. However, yesterday, I had a little bit of inspiration that might have pointed me in the right direction.

When I was a child and, in fact, up until I was in college, my parents' home was heated by a woodstove. Every late summer/early fall, my father would round us up and we would go into the woods by our home and cut felled or dead trees into firewood. I loved those times: the smell of the fallen leaves, the crisp air, the blue of the sky. And I loved the gathering aspect of it. OH and I looooved stacking the wood when we got home, getting each log to snug perfectly against its neighbor.

Will and I have central air and heat. There is really no need for the fireplace we have in our library. However, we keep it clean and working, because unlike a lot of fireplaces, it works very efficiently. I love a fire on a winter night, just for aesthetics' sake, but it really does keep the library and part of the kitchen warm, even TOO warm when the fire's been going long enough. Every year, we buy a stack of firewood and burn a few fires. But a lot of our wood goes to the fire pit, and we always run out before winter's or just get lazy and stop burning fires inside.

Last year, our electric bills in January, February, and March were horrific. (Kind of like my electric bill last month...jeesh at this extreme weather.) I determined last month to rely more on fans in the hot months, so it made sense to think about relying more on the fireplace during the cold months. But I didn't want to spend a lot of money feeding the fire pit. (Wood around here runs seventy bucks a truckload.)

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of timber by the side of the road. There was a new school built, folks are trimming up their yards, etc. It occurred to me that this was free firewood and Will and I have been keeping an eye out, grabbing branches here and there as we have time and room. This weekend, Coach told us about a side road near the new school with some cut trees, so we checked it out. JACKPOT: four trees, pecan and oak, were in the process of being cut down and their limbs were stacked up on the side of the road. We made two trips and got this big pile:

Will sawed it up into logs and I stacked it and in the end, we have a much bigger supply of firewood than we ever have had--with another month left for gathering. (You want to leave some time for the wood to dry out so it'll burn well.)

For me, the firewood hauling yesterday was sooo much more than just gathering wood. It was a chance for our family to work together, a chance to be outside (even though it was hot). It was gathering up Mother Nature's gifts so that they wouldn't be wasted. It was preparing for the cold to come. It was, at the end of it all, laying in the harvest.

It made me think of the way that I'd like to celebrate the Equinox this year. I think I'd like to make a meal of local foods and share it with my family. I'd also like to discuss with the kidlets and Will the things we have harvested this year as a family: what we've learned, what we've enjoyed, what we've overcome. I think I'll make a scrapbook or photo album of the year past and we can label it after dinner. We'll have a bonfire, of course. I'll probably try to do some more, but I really want to keep it simple.

Have you got your plans for the Equinox settled yet? I'd love to hear them.

Autumn Equinox Book Giveaway! Woohoo!

2010-09-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Oh, my goodness, y'all...today is a PET day! (Any of you who read Anne of Green Gables knows what I'm talking today. Even though it's very warm (low 90s), there is a delicious little breeze and the light has the slant that means that Autumn is drawing near. In fact, it is only EIGHTEEN days away.

Autumn is my favorite time of year and I pine for it at the end of Summer. So when I saw how this weekend was shaping up (lows in the lower 50s at night--can anybody say "bonfire?"), I was just elated. And then I remembered the most excellent book I got a couple of years ago: and got even more elated. Giddy? Maybe.

AND THEN--I remembered that when I got the book, I accidentally ordered an extra copy of it. I was supposed to give it to a friend, but I just forgot it and it sat in my witchy cupboard for...um...months. Unremembered, still tucked in its cardboard sleeve, full of goodness and spicy yumminess and YAY! FALLNESS!!!

Ahem.

Want it? You really do. It's chock full of European harvest myths and legends, Autumnal horoscope info, moon and goddess and god magic, garden stuff, a whole frickin' Mabon (Harvest Apple Upside Down Cakeareyoukiddingme??) menu and more--and it's all told in the simple, practical, often funny voice that Ellen Dugan is famous for. Even though I'm rocking the Elemental Paganicity right now, I STILL love to read this book, and will definitely be incorporating some of Dugan's stuff in the Equinoctial Celebration (err...still working on the name...) I'm planning. So.

Here's the deal: just leave a comment here, telling us what your favorite thing about the Autumn is. For me, it's the smell of spices and dried leaves, the enchanting shift in the light, the bonfires, the cooking and visiting to be done, football games, the fair...heh. That's more than one thing, hunh? Oh, well...I'm easy like Sunday morning around here. Anyway, leave your comment, and I'll randomly draw a name next Saturday and in a few days...YAY! Mabon woohoonesss!

I regret that I can only ship to the US and Canada, although if you are living over the pond and want to enter the drawing, we might be able to work out a shipping arrangement.

Disclaimer: Please note that if you click the link above and wind up buying the book, I (NotHannah) will receive an advertising fee. Clicking on the link is NOT necessary to enter the drawing for the book.

Book Review: EAT, PRAY, LOVE

2010-09-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

*Note to our sweet readers: I never do this, but I'm actually copying the review I did on I'm Not Hannah here today. This book is having a profound imprint on me right now, from the way I listen to Mother to the way I talk to her, and I think that it is an important book for women to read. Forgive me if you've already read it at the other blog. Hope you all are doing well...)

I have this weird book snobbery. If ever the entire universe (or an entire segment of the population) loves a book, I steer clear of it. Conversely, if everybody loathes it, I race to read it like it's sure to be a Book Friend and earn a permanent place on my shelf. This is different from my husband's book snobbery, which runs to the "if it isn't a classic or obscure (read: hard to wade through) literary fiction, I won't read it" kind. Like, the dude fought his way through Anna Karenina because he was supposed to do so. I don't think he so much enjoyed it as felt like he had slayed a large, shivering, particularly miserable dragon when he was finished with it.

Not me. It took me a year or so to finally pick up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It was in paperback and on sale and I reluctantly bought it to kill time between classes. I missed my next class because I was so busy reading the book and then became one of those obsessed Harry Potter people. I love Harry. Love him.

And I hated Scarlett. Well, no. I didn't HATE Scarlett, but when I finished the long, rambling, bodice-ripping, freaky Irish witchy thing that Scarlett was, I totally understood why people wanted to cauterize the parts of their brain that had ever journeyed with Ms. O'Hara to the land of vividly colored petticoats and stockings. (Trust me. It was...bizarre.)

So when everybody lost their minds over Eat, Pray, Love, I said, "Right. On the 'Do Not Read' list it goes." Because I'm a book snob.

Then two things happened. First, I read an article about it in Bitch magazine about the book. The article was scathing, to say the least: a sweeping condemnation on the industry that seems to insist that women must spend a lot of money to find enlightenment. Some parts of the article were spot on (the juxtaposition of Oprah's magazine talking about finding simple pleasures and then peddling 200 dollar shoes sets my teeth on edge), but the bits about Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, were particularly ugly. The biggest problem seemed to be that Elizabeth Gilbert had been paid to go find her enlightenment and, thus, it wasn't genuine.

This lead me to some research on Ms. Gilbert. I had a vague idea who she was: a sort of man's writer, right? Didn't she do something related to Coyote Ugly? What I found was that she had credentials to back up the advance her publisher gave her to travel. This woman was a serious magazine writer, with a fascinating background and some fascinating subjects. Plus, she has this to say about writing and the creative life:

I know. I love this.

When I spotted Eat, Pray, Love at Heath and Kelly's house, I immediately started reading it. I had meant to read it, but funds are still low and I had Mockingjay to read, so I had put it off. (Yes, yes, I know there's always the library. Let's talk, sometime, about the enormous fine at the library that I'm paying off due to a teething puppy and a forgetful kid. It's a great story.)

Y'all. I couldn't put this book down. I honestly believe that every woman should read it.

Yes. I said "woman." Dudes who read me, you might like the book, and by all means, follow your bliss, but this book is, to me, an inherently female book.

Note I didn't say "feminine." There is nothing girly or giggly or "let's gab over chai and muffins" about this book. (Not, my beloved MK, that there is anything wrong with muffins. We WILL have our muffins some day.) But the opening segments are filled with some of the most powerful and real descriptions of female grief and confusion that I have ever read. I've written about bathroom moments before, and Ms. Gilbert does a bang-up job of taking us to her bathroom moment in such a way that we feel the cool tiles on our hot, tear-stained cheeks. And the moment when she hears God? Wow.

Yeah, I know. But I'm a woman in search of Spirit, y'all, no matter how Oprah-y that sounds and the fact that this woman is, too, and is willing to embrace spirituality as it comes to her and then search out more of it makes reading about her journey a pleasure. The food and meditating and relationships she finds along the way are really NOT the emphasis of this novel. The finding of God and of herself (and the understanding that it's all the same thing, anyway) is central to the work and, honestly, so affirming to read about.

Our society is, unfortunately, one that wields spirituality like a sword--sometimes literally. I watch and read the news about mosques and protests and restoring Honor to America with prayer and I just cringe away from it all. This book served as a reminder to me that faith could be an experience of joy and magic and transcendence.

Now, the writing is good. It's a pleasure to read. The descriptions of food and place and experience were so finely crafted that I could taste and smell and feel them all. (The part where she ran around in an Indian night and made out with trees? Priceless.) There is humor and sorrow and worry, too--the emotions are also finely drawn, allowing a reader to experience them with the writer, which is a gift in and of itself.

I know some of you may have been putting off reading this book because of the perceived cheese factor. (Hi. That would be me.) Or because MUHGAWD, they made a movie with Julia Roberts in it. Or because EVERYBODY is reading it, including your mother-in-law, and that can't be good, can it?

It can, my friends. Read this book.

I Spy With My Little Eye...An Orb in the Woods?

2010-08-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting on this for a while, because, to be honest...I was embarrassed to talk about this. I know. It's ridiculous. I mean...we're Pagans, people. We don't exactly fit the mold. PLUS, I've totally talked to y'all about getting nekkid in my backyard, so I'm thinking that me spotting an orb in a picture I took months ago wouldn't make you think I was an eejit.

Here's the deal: A while ago, back in April, my family and I went camping at my sister-in-law's place of work. She works at a children's home with a large piece of property upon which is a little pond and a camping area that my brother-in-law had cleared out. It's very pretty. See?:

Beautiful, right? Okay, anyway, we got there and started walking around the pond and toodling a bit when I spotted a red stone in my path. It was a rather bright red, sort of the color of new bricks, and very smooth. It had the look and feel of a river stone and fit nicely in the palm of my hand. I asked anybody (human) if it belonged to them and pocketed it, being a rather famous collector of rocks.

Now, I don't usually ask the spirits or creatures or whathaveyou if I can pick up stones. I might say a blanket thank you to the winds if I find a good one, but I'm usually not too stringent about it. I consider Earth to be my element (I'm not a very good Gemini sometimes) and have an affinity for stones, so I just take it for granted that they are given to me freely.

From the beginning, the stone felt...weird. I don't know if this happens to y'all...it rarely happens to me. But sometimes I just get a strong..."meh" feeling about something. It is neither good nor bad, but the very non-pin-downable aspect of it gives me the hoobies. That's how this stone felt. Several times, I thought about putting it back, but I never did.

Flash forward a few months when I'm finally going over the photos I took at the camp-out. After fiddling around with a few for clarity, I came across this series:

Wow, you might be saying. That's...gosh, that's really...what the heck am I looking at, NotHannah.

HERE is what you're looking at:

Yeah. If you click on the first picture, the face might wig you out. I'm just saying. Because it wigs me out. Beneath the orb, there are definitely leaves and it's possible of course that the leaves and the orb worked together to create a little nuttiness, but...it wigs me out. Still.

But it gets better. Because a few frames later, I found this:

I don't know if it translates well in this picture, but from one frame to the next, something moves in front of the branch and bends it down slightly. WTF?

Here's the thing. I've never used that stone. It resides currently under my microwave, I think, because I didn't want to put it with my other stones and I didn't want to use it until I figured out what the deal with it was. I think, after looking at these picture again (and wigging myself out AGAIN) that what I need to do is take it back to the owner. I don't catch any malice from these pictures, nor even any from the stone.

But.

It doesn't belong to me. Clearly.

Before I ask you your opinion, let me give you a caveat or two: it was April and veeerrry pollen-y on the day this was taken. I was filming swallows swooping down to catch flies on top of the water. It's entirely possible--probable even--that these are pictures of water droplets from the swallows or pieces of pollen.

What do you think? Shall I take the stone back? Keep it? Fling it out into the pasture and be done with it. (I won't do that. That REALLY doesn't feel right.) Alternately, have you had any experiences with orbs?

I Really am a Gemini--Even on Facebook

2010-08-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

Before we begin, please take a moment to watch this video, which is a good representation of how bat-crap crazy I was this morning. If you have read I'm Not Hannah today, you've already seen this video, but rest assured that I am still this crazy, mainly because after I rode my bike to the store and got bait, my car is still infested. INFESTED. ARRRGH. Otherwise, carry on:

Okay. So, yeah. Went a little crazy with the fire ants there. I filmed the craziness, wrote a quick blog about it, and posted it on my "real life" Facebook account, as I am wont to do. My RLFB account is the one in which I'm friends with my friemily, my former students, a few bloggers I've become friends with along the way (and my SS, of course!) It is the account in which I discuss my kids, post links I find interesting or thought provoking or funny, and keep in touch with loved ones. It is also the account in which I debate politics with primarily one of my cousins, but also a few more conservative friends and friemily.

When I posted the notification about my I'm Not Hannah blog, I got one comment from a friend about getting the ookies from the video. Then I got this comment: " the luck of a pagan..heavy sigh"

Blink.

Blink blink.

Uh, what, dude?

Now, A of all, I don't know this guy at all. He's one of my mom's former students and a friend of my crazy-conservative cousin, but I wouldn't know him if he walked up and handed me a daisy. B of all, I'm not out of the broom closet on that account. I mean, I posted a link to "Meet Us At the Water," but I didn't say, "Yo, I'm a Pagan. Won't you meet me at the water?" And I don't go around prefacing every comment about mosques or trips to Spain or the fire ants in my car with "Well, I'm a Pagan, so..." And C of all...what?

I mean, what exactly was he getting at? That because I try to connect with the Earth on a spiritual level, I don't expect to get bugs? Because, hi. I live Under the Buckle and if I DIDN'T get bugs, I'd actually consider doing some sort of stockpiling, because clearly the world was coming to an end. (But, seriously, how fricking cool would it be if because Pagans DID try to connect with the Earth, we didn't get bugs? That would ROCK.)

Maybe he was trying to say that since I was a Pagan, I could be expected to be visited with various plagues. Clearly, this would suck, and if tomorrow I wake up and my bathroom is filled with toads, I might get a little worried. But today, I'm just...irritated.

You know, if one of my Christian FB friends posts something about how they had a crappy morning or their child is sick or a swarm of bugs has taken over their automobile, I don't say, "Dang. I hate it when Jesus takes a nap." I don't say, "Did you forget to go to Sunday school this weekend?" I say, "That sucks." Or "I hope he feels better." Or "Bike over to Publix and get some bait, pronto!" So please tell me why my status as a Pagan means that somebody else gets to blame the bad things in my life on it.

I have to admit that when I read that comment, my sarcastic streak came out and I replied, " Yes...I know that folks of other faiths never have problems with ants. That would be a great reason to convert." What I WANTED to say was, "Hey, Fartblossom, if you don't have something commiserating to say, why don't you keep your piehole shut?" Or "Watch it, dough boy, or you're going to find yourself on the wrong end of a hex." (I don't hex people, btw, but if he's gonna call a sister out, he might as well expect a little call back.)

Sigh. What I REALLY want to do (she moans, for the 80th time) is just waltz right on out of the broom closet and start posting quotes from Ellen Dugan and Scott Cunningham and sharing videos from oh, I don't know...maybe Dar Williams

right before thanking the Moon and Sun and Earth for working together so beautifully to regulate my menstrual cycle.

Breathe, NotHannah, breathe.

Anyway, did I handle it right? Should I have ignored him? Told him more forcefully to kiss off? Perhaps told him I'd light a candle for him?

What would YOU have done in the same circumstance?

What Happened at the Water, August 2010

2010-08-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...I need to figure out a better way to organize these posts. I'll be working on that, but in the meantime, any ideas?

Last night, as you may recall, I decided to do a more ritualized ritual when I met y'all at the water. I just got a new tarot deck (The Paulina Tarot by Paulina Cassidy, which I love with a passion that burns...) and wanted to incorporate it somehow. I worried a little that I would be botching the whole thing by getting all technical and mess, but it still felt right. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm all Filey McOrganizationface with the new school year.

I took a shower first, because I did last time and it seemed to help center me. It was harder to concentrate this time around, because the Hubs and I have been driving each other insane lately. It always happens this time of year...his job stresses him out and Jeffrey stresses me out and we are seriously lovely people all the way 'round. I tried to concentrate on the water washing away any negativity from the situation down the drain, but I also kept having annoying little things pop into my head. Bleagh.

While in the shower, I visualized using a white candle. I also visualized sitting at my kitchen table instead of outside. The reason for this is pretty ridiculous. I'd just read a movie review about alien abduction and I was all spooked. I KNOW. I don't even BELIEVE in alien abduction, but I get the creeps thinking about it. I'm ridiculous.

However, when I got out into the living room, Will was watching TV and I'd be listening to the sonorous voice of Morgan Freeman explaining the Universe from the other room, so I decided to suck it up and go outside. I discovered upon gathering my supplies that I'd used up my last white candle and had to go with the blue. I grabbed my little water jar, my Mother stone, the shark's tooth I used in June (for protection against aliens, I suppose), my candle holder, and my cards. For some reason, I lit the candle before I went outside, possibly because I'm an eejit: I knocked it against the door frame when I went outside, causing the candle to fall and burn out. Excellent way to start.

The candle ALSO fell out of the holder and went out when I got everything set up on the patio floor. Note to self: when the brain says "white candle," use the fricking white candle. Note to self, part two: get more candles. Finally, everything was all settled: tooth facing directly west, candle east of that (facing west), water jar east of that, me east of the water jar. I put the cards to the south of the line o' objects and held my mother stones between my palms. (It's egg-shaped, so it fits neatly there.) I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and centered myself. (Basically, this is just settling my bones, making sure my weight is evenly distributed, that nothing hurts or feels out of line. Then I try to do the same for my pysche. Last night I had to say, "The aliens won't get you." Of course, then the air conditioning unit kicked in and I almost wet my pants. NOT the sort of water I had in mind, my friends.)

I opened myself up to any kind of message from Mother, but all I got was a general sense of peace. So I repeated my little chant a couple of times, then tried to imagine my inner power as a flame. This is difficult for me. I'm a Pagan and a fantasy writer, but any time my practice gets a little "out there," I feel myself shutting down. But I think it's important for me to get in touch with that side of me, so I tried to hold on to the thought. It occurred to me to try to use the candle I was using as an example or a focus tool, so I opened my eyes and watched the flame for a minute.

(Pause to say that EVERYBODY should run outside in the dark with a candle and set it on the ground and sit behind it. Because as a meditation tool, that is some crazy stuff. The flame moves around, and as it does, the shadow of the wick moves around. It was really cool to watch and I found myself totally zoning out on it. Will use it at a later date, I think.)

Watching the flame helped. I transferred the Mother stone to my right hand and pressed it against my heart. I imagined a little bit of my fire siphoning off into the stone and then dropped the stone into the water. Nope, I hadn't planned that. It just went that way.

Now it was card time. I used only the Major Arcana, as I'm trying to study this deck very carefully and I haven't moved on to the Minor Arcana yet. (For those not familiar with Tarot, I recommend this site as a very basic overview. Very. Basic. I know a lot of you delve into the cards and some do readings or post info about it, so if you'd like to share a link, please do. I'll be writing about my own cards tomorrow.) I asked what more I could do to help Mother and then drew my card: Temperance.

I studied the picture, because this isn't a card I'm totally familiar with. My first thought was: oh, how funny--she's holding up cups. (Get it? Cups, water? Yeah.) My second thought was: balance, because the figure on the card is balanced on top of a diamond. Hmmm....

Feeling like the ritual was finished, I damped the candle, poured the water out into the garden, and headed inside to look up the full meaning of the Temperance card. I was NOT disappointed. First of all, healing energy figures large in a Temperance reading. Yay!! Isn't it nice to get a big thumbs up from the Divine? Second, the idea of merging different parts of oneself (or one's situation) to find balance is HUGE for me right now. I'm battling to get my practical side and my magic-embracing side to get along, and this card just backs it up. I really feel like I was being told that in order to do the best work for the Earth (Nature, Mother, etc.), I need to learn to use those parts as a whole. I'll be thinking of ways to do this in the next few days.

So. Less nakedness, more ritual, and maybe even more things to think about. It was a good New Moon, I think. I feel ready to get some work done on several different levels. How about you? Any insights? New discoveries? Nakedness? (I kid.) (Unless you DID get naked, which you know we all want to hear about.) (Ha.) Share with us if you feel it, my friends.

Meet Us At the Water--August 9, 2010

2010-08-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, all! I have been disconnected from the internet for threeish days--ACK! I managed to replace the network card a few minutes ago (yes, I felt like running around the house yelling at the top of my lungs when I finally got the fool thing in) and am back in business.

Tonight, I'll be doing something a little different at the water. I'll take my Mason jar out there with me--and my new deck of Tarot cards. I feel as if I've been getting soooo much from my New Moon rituals, but I haven't been giving back as much as I need to. I'm hoping to get a little direction tonight. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll just wind up sitting in the backyard nekkid again. (Hee.)

Tomorrow, I'll post what happened. I hope you'll share with us here in the comments or on your blog. If you DO write about it, be sure to send us a link.

Love y'all. Hope to meet you at the water!

Political Pagans?

2010-08-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a political beast. You should know that about me before I go any farther. I am deeply interested in politics and debating policy and learning about policy. On paper, I'm a liberal Democrat. I don't label myself as progressive, if only because I don't think our country has the money to be as progressive as some European countries are. I'm for separation of church and state, gay marriage, and environmental policies that reduce carbon emissions and encourage Americans to embrace green energy. Got all that? Okay, moving on.

I'm also a Pagan. I might not have all the hows and whys straightened out, but I am firmly in the earth-based religions column. One thing that I'm trying to do in my life is to live how my spirituality dictates, which is kinda hard, given that my spirituality isn't so much pinned down yet. It's something I've heard a lot of Christians talking about doing--living their lives for God or with God in mind. It's sometimes hard to do this as a Pagan, particularly if the best guideline for morality I've given myself is to try to follow the Golden Rule (which is in the Bible and Qur'an and Judaic and Hindu writings AND in the Wiccan Rede, but not so much to be found in Nature or glowing from the middle of my bonfire on the Solstices.) Because I revere Nature, I try to treat it well and I try to teach my children to treat it well, but...sigh. I should start writing some of this stuff down.

Anywho, this isn't about those wacky Christians and the crazy things they do or my bumbling attempts to figure out my spirituality. Instead, I've been thinking about how my spirituality informs my political life--and whether it should. The other day, I was reading Ramblings of a Domestic Goddess and finding myself doing fist pumps and pelvic thrusts at the dressing down she was giving two eejits discussing the evils of President Obama in a doctor's office. She was appalled at the lack of professionalism and in inimitable inannasstar fashion, let them know exactly what she thought about it.

After all the pumping and thrusting...ahem...perhaps I should rethink that one...after my celebrations, I started thinking about why Pagans don't use our political voices until we have to. Some of it, I'm sure, is visions of Salem dancing in our heads. I'm not trying to be funny--they're burning Qur'ans in Gainesville, Florida. It's frightening to see how far fundamentalist Christian whackjobs will go. To be an "out" Pagan is difficult at any point in time--frankly, I fear that if I came out during a political discussion and said, "Well, as a person who worships the earth, I have to say that your Hummer really chaps my ass, gas guzzler," nobody would take me seriously. Or worse, they'd be so focused on whether I was in league with Satan that they'd not pay attention to logic.

The other problem, I'm sure, is the diversity that exists within the Pagan community. Some of us are Wiccan. Some of us celebrate traditional Celtic holidays. Some of us worship trees. Some commune with faeries. Some deal with the Greek gods. (I'm leaving out the people like me, who smoosh it all together in a big wad and hope for the best.) The Christians and Jews who are active in politics (I'm singling these two groups out because they make up the majority) have got standardized religions which they share with many of their constituents. Leaning back on religious dictates to guide public policy is EASY for them, because they're talking about what people know.

I wonder if every Pagan suddenly decided to recognize, say, the Solstices and Equinoxes if it would make a difference. I mean, these are celestial events that most every "sect" of Paganism recognizes, right? If we all did that, if we all had something in common, would it make it easier for us to argue for cap and trade en masse?

Then again, not all Pagans are raging liberals like me. I once offended the heck out of a fellow Pagan with a post over on I'm Not Hannah. I wasn't TRYING to offend her, but her measured response to my admittedly heated (and slightly crazy) post brought me up short. I had never pictured a politically conservative Pagan before--the term "conservative" is naturally married to "Christian" in my head. It made me really reconsider some of my own biases to think about this.

And I'm not sure why it suddenly seems so important to identify myself as a Pagan when discussing the things that are politically important to me. After all, it drives me to the moon and back when a Christian does it. Is my religious belief somehow more important or relevant than a Christian's--and therefore a good basis for public policy? And if I don't want Christianity's moral guidelines to decide whether gay people have the right to marry, is it fair for me to use my Pagan belief in the Golden Rule as a reason for gay people to have that right? I'm a Christmas-celebrating Pagan--do I have the right to bitch about "In God We Trust" being on our legal currency? (I DON'T bitch about it, by the way. Just an example...)

I think, really, that this boils down once again (I say, wearily) to the fact that I am not comfortable being out of the broom closet. My political ideology is almost as important to me (and frankly, some days, MORE important to me) than my religious one, but it's the one I'm allowed to show in public. And when I'm arguing about something on Facebook, for example, I have to just swallow the assumption that I'm one of those crazy liberal Christians when it's thrown at my head.

Because, otherwise, my voice won't be as powerful.

I'm sorry for this rambling, hard to understand post. Just trying to make sense of it all. (And floundering, as usual...)

In other news, the New Moon this month is next Monday, the 9th. Anybody up for Meeting at the Water?

Book Review: A Wild Light by Marjorie M. Liu

2010-08-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm always on the hunt for a good fantasy series, but I'll be honest with you and say that, for the most part, I haven't embraced the urban chick-lit fantasy hoodickey (that's the technical term for it.) My fantasy tastes run more to YA and elves-in-the-forest, so I wasn't sure I'd really be able to get into A Wild Light by Marjorie M. Liu. Happily, I was wrong. Not only was I able to get into Maxine Hunter's world, I'm eager to read more about it.

A quick note here: this is the third book of the "Hunter Kiss" series. While it is enjoyable and fairly easy to understand on its own, I did find myself wishing that I'd read the other books first. (Which isn't, you understand, a bad thing...yay! A new fantasy series I like!) That said, the basics are this: Maxine Kiss is a demon hunter, a trait passed down from the women in her family line. She's covered in tattoos, which are actually the demons that she calls "her boys," charming and vicious and childlike all at once. She has a lover who can change people and events with the power of his voice and a grandfather who is apparently immortal. Oh, yeah, and there's this darkness inside her, that whispers seductively of power and cruelty.

The story is complicated, one that takes you from a city, through the forest, and into a prison dimension as it rockets along toward the conclusion. That doesn't mean it's a hard read, nor that it misses any vital information. The connections between characters are palpable; you FEEL the emotions between them and ache for their difficulties. And the connections are not always easy or straightforward. Several times, Maxine deals with characters she's both drawn to and repulsed by--or afraid of.

I found myself liking Maxine a lot: her fierce love of her boys and the family she has made for herself is so human, even as the strength she shows in conflict is not. She is a flawed heroine, but her flaws make her so identifiable.

I will definitely go back to catch up on the rest of Maxine's story. If you'd like to check out the series (and the rest of Ms. Liu's work, you can visit her website here: http://www.marjoriemliu.com.

Disclaimer: From time to time, I am asked to review books supplied to me by a publisher or author's representative. I am not compensated for the reviews. I will only review books on Divining Women that I believe will appeal to our audience and will always be honest in my reviews.

Thanks and Musings

2010-07-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we received a lovely surprise from Mother Moon's Message--this pretty little award!

Isn't it cute? One thing I love about these awards is that they come with strings. They force you to look at yourself and others with a discerning eye and follow some rules to boot. (The Good Green Goddess knows I need a little more structure in my life.) The rules of this award are as follows:

Thank the one who sent it your way
Sum up your blogging motivation, philosophy, and experience using 5 words
Pass it on to 5 others who blogs who you feel have real substance.

Soooooo...thank you, MMM. I love learning from you, sharing your family adventures, and soaking up the sense of peace at your blog. You rock.

Next...whew. This one is hard for me. I'd say my bloggingness could be summed up this way: scattered, laughter-inducing, deep, hopeful, strong. Which is to say that I (NotHannah) might have some sort of multipersonality blogging disorder. I think I'm going to chalk it up to being a Gemini (that's where the hope comes in.)

Finally, the other blogs I feel have real substance--and this is NOT to say that there aren't other blogs that don't make me laugh or think or get mad or whatever. This is to say that these are the blogs that caught me TODAY when I was thinking about it:

Adventures of the Striped Stockings~Celia is just so PRESENT in her life and so open about sharing it. I love her stream of consciousness approach--and that she loves Practical Magic.

The Unwrapping~Sarah probably thinks I'm stalking her, because I pretty much gush over everything she writes. But, honestly, she is a FANTASTIC writer, with the power to move people with her words. Her thought processes are so...cool.

Mything Links~Okay, technically, this isn't a blog. But it is seriously one of my favorite sites ever. It is a TREASURE TROVE of mythology, religious practices, magickal histories...it's just beautiful. I could spend hours digging through it.

Dancing Beneath the Moon~I just discovered this blog today, actually, and I really dig not only the prettiness of it, but also the learning that can be done on it.

Okay, I'm breaking the rules here. The truth is that there are so, so many blogs that I read and enjoy and that make me think. And I've just been reading over some of our followers' blogs and am so impressed and thankful for these folks that...I can't go on. Four is going to be it today. Just know that I love your comments and thoughts and words and ideas and I am SO THANKFUL for this community of supportive women ready to take over the world.

What?

Heh. I kid. BUT I am excited to say that Angie secured our domain and is working with me right now to get stuff all squared away for the new site. I have some BIG ambitions for Divining Women and I'm sure my sweet SS is thinking, "This girl is nutso." Some ideas are: a separate page for Meet Us At the Water stuff--I'd LOVE to be able to have everybody's experiences "down on paper" in one place. A forum where we can discuss various posts and topics. More articulation between topics and segments.

Of course, one thing that I DON'T want to have happen is for us to lose the sense of community and thought and learning that we've found here. It's important to me, ya know?

Anywho, blessings to you all. Hope your days are going well

So...About That Last New Moon

2010-07-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to make this month's New Moon special, since last month's was so staggeringly special. But the truth is that this month's was also Crazy Busy and filled with stuff like house-cleaning and unpacking from a trip and...yadayadayada. Still, I knew that some of you would be joining me and I also wanted to send some healing vibes and commune with Mother...Ocean? Well, Mother Earth. Mother something or other.

So after the kidlets went to bed, I took a shower and headed outside. With me, I took my Mother Stone (of course), my dove candle holder (I used a blue candle), a little jelly jar of water I'd let soak up sun in my garden all day long, and a blanket to sit on.

I'd made no plans, had no songs or chants in mind. I really wanted to try to capture that feeling of...waiting for something to happen instead of thinking ahead so much. I had learned a lot from my experiences by the Water in June. I wanted to learn more.

I lit my candle, sat cross-legged on my blanket, put my water jar in front of me, and waited. After a while, the little chant I'd thought of at the beach wafted through my head: "Water above and Water below, Water from whom all our lives flow, Peace and love I give to thee, Peace and strength to heal the Sea." I sang it softly under my breath. Lightning flashed in the distance; it felt like an "amen."

What happened next is...weird. I mean, we're all friends here, right? And Pagans. So I hope you won't fall over when I tell you that without any kind of thought whatsoever, I pulled my tee-shirt over my head and sat there naked in the dark.

Okay, now look. I know plenty of folks who run around "sky-clad" at rituals and that is all fine and dandy. The Pagan group near here has a bunch of parties where children aren't welcome because the grownups get nekkid. But me? Not so much. Plus, to be frank, it's July in the South. There are MOSQUITOS the size of my car buzzing around. But as soon as my hands settled on my (WTF?) naked knees, more lightning.

What in the world was I supposed to be getting from this? I waited, trying to be patient, trying not to think, "I seriously doubt that anybody else Meeting at the Water is hanging out whilst unclothed." A splash of rain on my nose. On my (bare) boob.

I reached out and picked up my jelly jar and tipped a little water over my head. Over my breasts that nourished my kidlets. Over my belly that gave them their first home. Over my legs, still strong despite a layer of pudge, still capable of chasing a little one across the yard. Over my hands, which do the work to make my house a home.

I realized that I was bare and I was...BARE. I was a woman, a mother, talking and spending time with another Mother, who could see my flaws and strengths and show me her own.

The wind picked up, cooling the water on my body. Lighting flashed again, closer now--fire made into ribbons. I dug my fingers into the earth. Air, Water, Fire, Earth.

And me. Spirit.

So. I'm not really sure who did the healing that night. I'm not sure if it's important, even.

I'm sure that I'm learning from these nights and getting a stronger sense of who I am as a Pagan, but I have to be honest and say that the learning is baffling sometimes.

Still, I'm looking forward to Meeting you at the Water on the 9th.

Naked or not. :)

News and Oddments

2010-07-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks! This summer has been slam-packed and it always seems a miracle when I come to the part in the day when the kids are occupied and I can ferret off to the computer for a few minutes. Because of Jeffrey's superpowers, I'm never exactly thrilled when the school year rolls around, but with last year's successes, I'm much more hopeful and almost GIDDY at the idea that I'll have a little bit more free-time.

Anyway, here's the big news that makes me sooooo excited: Angie over at The Balanced Witch (and EnchantressE Design) gave away a complete website package and I WON! Yay! I'm really tickled pink about it and Angie and I are starting to get down to business with redesigning Divining Women. I am looking forward to the changes and expanding the site so that it can better accomplish what we want to do, which is take over the world. No, no, NO--we're just trying to build a community here. (Taking over the world would just be a nifty side effect!)

I'm hoping my posting will be more...um...existent in the next few weeks. The summer rush has slowed down a bit, thankfully. (Bridgett is still buried under dust and buckets of floor stain--and now some puppyness, too!) Here are a few things I've been musing about lately:

I captured some freaky orb pics on a trip to a nearby lake that I've only just started looking at. I'm not really a big believer in "orbs as a ghostly manifestation," BUT pair them with a weird rock I found that I'm totally indecisive about, and it gives me the woodgies a little.
I seem to be "off" when it comes to my moon cycles. For example, last night instead of being all charged and thrilled, I was tired. And on the last new moon? I found myself naked in my backyard. Um. What?
My brother came to me for magical advice the other day and I was really surprised by how quickly the advice came.
My tarot deck--my first one, so special to me--has had the magician card missing for a while. I really would like to get a new one, but A: I worry about expense and B: I don't know what to look for.
Pagan parenting, all over again times 1,000. How do you teach your children about your faith when you haven't ironed out all the wrinkles of it yourself?

I'm sure there are more bits floating around in my brain, but honestly, I need to scrub my kitchen cabinets. Hope all of you are well.

Blessings!

Happy New Moon

2010-07-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

Blessings to you all! To those of you coming to the water tonight, I can't wait to "meet" you! I'll be thinking on preservation this New Moon--I might even use a canning jar as my vessel. I look forward to hearing your stories!

It's Late and I'm Running Out of Time...

2010-07-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, chickadeedles. I'm STRUGGLING here, trying to do the Mama/summer thing and wean myself off of Facebook and mindless computer games and pick various fruits and can them and...sheesh. I'm busy.

BUT

I wanted to let you know that the New Moon Meetings at the Water are a go. (Although, seriously, I think we need a better name. Hee.) I'm working on a few buttons, and a page to explain the whole shebangle and include examples of chants and links to your rituals, but it's slow going with the summer time rush. I've got this banner for you so far. Those of you who blog on Blogger can use the Layout tool to link it back to the NMMatW page. When I get it done. Sometime.

Anyway, the 11th. You, me, and water. More on it, say, Friday? Luff you all.

Erasing the Feminine And Thinking about Santa (Whheeeee!)

2010-06-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

First off, it seems that y'all like the idea of Meeting at the Water every month on the New Moon, to which I say, "Woohoo!" I, personally, love the idea of making it a monthly healing ritual. After all, I think most of us felt the sense of connection, which is vital in our community (more on that in a sec) PLUS Mother Ocean isn't healed yet. Nor are the rivers, the streams, the swamps, the bogs...etc. I'll write more about this as the Moon wanes, I think, but for now, let's spread the word again: We'll meet at the water on July 11th!

Now, about community: a few days ago, I was thinking about the Christian Creation story. And I realized that a good portion of this story is devoted to expunging the idea of woman as a source of life (Adam came from dirt, Eve came from him) and advancing the idea that evil comes from women (the whole Tree of Knowledge thing and Cain.) I guess I had always known this subconsciously, but I never really thought it out this way. This lead me to think about other Creation myths and, specifically, the place of female deities in them. Creation myths, more than anything (in my opinion--Cora might be able to help me out here), help delineate our cultural backgrounds. If you look closely at many Creation myths, you find the outline for social standings linked to the behavior of the gods or the first people. (One Japanese Creation myth I was reading about cited Creative failures due to the female deity speaking first during sex. For real.) This makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. It's important for people to believe that the gods or goddesses who created them knew what they were doing and were creating a blueprint for how people should act.

This line of thought--Hi, I'm a huge nerd. Does it make it better that I was walking on the beach and/or sipping hard apple cider while doing some of the thinking?--lead to me contemplating that so many of us in the Pagan community rely on British Celtic or Gaelic holidays and observances to guide our practice. I don't know exactly why I started thinking about this...maybe because there is so little written about British Celtic Creationism? (Say it fast five times.) Or maybe because I'm nuts. Who knows? Anyway, there I was thinking about that and mulling it over and gnawing on it late at night.

Here's the thing: I think I've been forcing too much on myself that doesn't gibe with what I believe as a Pagan. The need for community is SOOO strong for me, probably because I'm so isolated in my real community that I've been trying so hard to get excited about the same things many of you do. But the truth is that calling the Solstices names doesn't really gibe with me right now. I mean, I get that it makes sense for some folks to celebrate Yule and the Holly King/Oak King battle, but...for me, it feels as made up as anything Christian. This is NOT meant to insult anybody--Pagan, Christian, or otherwise. This is just me thinking out loud. I UNDERSTAND why people have these beliefs and think they're lovely, but I've realized that for me, right now, in this spiritual place, I need less. Not that I need less than other people, but that me, NotHannah, needs to have fewer complications in my spiritual self. (Whew. It's hard trying not to insult people you care about. If I haven't been clear, let me know.)

I'm paring down my practice, in other words. I'm becoming very Elemental, working with and exploring the power and magic of Fire, Water, Earth, and Air. I am trying to pay more attention to the Moon and Sun cycles, trying to note the Solstices and Equinoxes with something that means something to ME and my family.

Which brings me around to Santa. And Christmas and Easter and Halloween, etc. A few months ago, I caught the tail end of a fairly heated debate about Pagans celebrating Christian holidays. Or maybe the issue was Pagans celebrating Pagan AND Christian holidays. Anyway, the blogger who started the conversation was fairly upset about Pagans celebrating Easter and Christmas and the physical trappings that come with it. I read the debate with interest, but stayed out of it, because I felt like I needed to do some thinking about it. (Shocking, I know. NotHannah THINK? Heh.) One line of thought was that if you were going to call yourself Pagan, when the middle of December rolled around, you needed to be celebrating Yule.

Hold up, y'all. I don't want to celebrate Yule as an Elemental Pagan. (Do you see that? I think I just invented a sect. Woohoo!) Yule has its history in Germanic tribes in Northern Europe and there are theories it might go back to IndoEuropean roots, but honestly, there isn't anything I can relate to with it. Now, I love the IDEA of a big old chunk of wood in my fireplace representing the Sun making a return as the hours of sunlight get longer, but in reality, I think I just like the idea of a big old chunk of wood in my fireplace and a mug of hot chocolate to go with it. I'm much more comfortable with thinking on Dr. Judith Rich's GORGEOUS essay about the Winter Solstice as a means for coming up with a ritual than trying anything else that so many of my Pagan friends embrace with joy. (Again, let me say GOOD for them. Follow your bliss, my lovies.)

You know what I embrace with joy? The idea of a dude jumping down my chimney loaded down with enough candy and toys to make my kids delirious with happiness. The secrets my family keeps from each other during Christmas time. The laughs as my children find Easter eggs stuck in trees or in Frodo's water dish. And, yes, I know the spiritual significance of each holiday. However, I also know the cultural significance of each. Just as early Christians took liberties with native beliefs to sell the idea of Christ, modern Americans (and perhaps those in other cultures--can somebody let me know?) are taking liberties to create a holiday that is separate from the Christian stories. Think about how incensed some Christians get when people try to take the "Christ out of Christmas." Some Christians are so desperate to maintain the grip on December 25th that I've started to see pictures of Santa kneeling at the manger. (Which, honestly, makes me want to barf. How ridiculous is that mess?) My point is that Christmas is evolving into two separate celebrations--and so is Easter. So is (or did) Halloween. As a Pagan, I reserve the right to celebrate the secular holidays that are part of my culture with joy and want to be afforded respect by my fellow Pagans if I do so.

Wow. Um. Yeah.

This is how my mind works, people. I'm fairly sure tomorrow it'll be something new, perhaps involving working with crystals and/or incorporating aliens into your spell work. Sheesh.

What Happened At the Water

2010-06-20T05:10:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody! It's been a week and a day and although I'm water-logged and think I STILL have sand in a few crevices, I thought I'd share what happened for me at the water. I hope you'll share in the comments or, even better, write about it on your blog and let us know about it!

We arrived on the island around 4:30 in the afternoon. Jeffrey started grousing almost as soon as we got there about going down to the beach (I had promised him we would) and so as soon as we got everything unloaded, we threw off our shoes, grabbed Nevvy, and headed down the boardwalk.

It was the perfect time of day when we got there: the water was cool, the air was warm, and the light had that crisp, rosy glow of late afternoon. At first, the kidlets were content to splash around in the surf, running away from the waves as they crashed in. But, because they are human boy children, eventually it became too much for them and they went nuts, rolling around in the waves like little dolphins.

As I watched them, standing in the shifting sands, I took a mental snapshot of how the water shone on their cheeks and backs, how their faces lit up in sheer happiness.

And then, for no reason, the chant I'd come up with for the evening ritual popped into my head. "Stop that," I told it sternly, "You need to wait til tonight." But it persisted, niggling around in my brain as I watched Nevvy and Jeffrey act like...well, kids. "This isn't profound," I said. "This isn't a MOMENT. I don't even have my Mother Stone with me."

But it came to me that, somewhere in the world, some of y'all were already chanting or dancing or praying quietly and that now was a fine time for me to join in. After all, I was a Mother in that moment, too, watching my baby and my family, enjoying their joy but still watchful, still ready to rescue if needed.

So, under my breath, I sang the little chant (more on that later.) I did it over and over again and I felt good about it: strong and deep and connected to others like me all over the world. I couldn't wait for the night to fall so I could feel that feeling all over again.

Accordingly, after the kidlets were snug in bed, Will and I headed down to the beach. Two things here: it was pitch black and Will was recovering from a severe ankle strain. I was so happy he joined me, even if in his head, it was just to offer some manly (if limping) protection against phantom dangers. The fact that he accepted what I wanted to do meant the world to me.

In my pockets, I carried my Mother stone and a huge, ancient shark's tooth I'd found on the island years ago. Depositing Will under a deserted tent, I headed down to the water and knelt down just out of reach of the surf. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and....

Nothing.

The chant which had carried me through the afternoon had apparently decided to take a little vacation. I remember it now (Water above and water below, water from whom all our lives flow, peace and love I give to thee, strength and love to heal the sea), but that night, it was gone. I tried, a few times, to get it going, but nothing doing.

Hmm. Okay, then. I'd just do something else. I tried envisioning a golden light inside me. Nope. A white one...nada. A pink one? Dang, where was my glow? Stuffing my talismans back in my pocket, I stood up and went to the surf, laying my hands just on the surface. I sent out a question (What the heck am I supposed to do here?) and I got back JOY.

I felt, despite the horror and worry I'd felt for a month and a half, a pulse of pure, unadulterated joy race through me. It brought me to my feet fast and I looked out over the dark water and laughed. I felt like I was at a slumber party with a few hundred friends and we were all at that giddy place past the gossiping and airing of grievances where the only thing left to do was just laugh and laugh and laugh. I threw back my arms and closed my eyes and yelled, "Wooohoooo!" And then I took off running through the surf. I danced and spun and raced through the water, feeling like a child. Feeling like a woman. A mother. It was freeing and lovely and totally NOT what I thought it would be. And it was okay. It was RIGHT.

Of course, then I had to make my way back to Will in the pitch dark, which made me giggle some more. When I finally got back to him, he pointed out the couple in backpacks who had gone and stood by the water, then returned to the drier sand to smooch. I wondered, as I sat in the sand with my own sweetie, if they were meeting at the water, too. It seemed indecorous to ask, what with the smooching.

I thought a lot about the experience over the week as I walked along the beach. Why had the chant gone awry? Why had I not had a more soulful time down by the water? Finally, on the afternoon of the last day, I realized that I HAD. All of the rage and horror and sorrow I feel is appropriate and real. But it's the joy that Mother Ocean gives me that must carry me to action. And it's GOOD to be happy. It's good to feel connected with friends as a woman and solo practitioner.

This realization made me think, "What if we kept it going?" The idea has merits: every New Moon, we meet at the water. We offer healing and strength and love and, maybe best of all, communion to our planet. But, I worried...was it asking too much? Is it being greedy? Is it making too much of a ritual out of something that maybe needs to be less ritualized?

Last night, I came back home and read more of your comments and realized that some of you had "missed" the ritual and that you still wanted to be a part of it. And I thought that while all of us directing good energy at our planet and its waters is good at any time, maybe that communion I sensed on the New Moon is even better. I haven't talked to my sweet SS about this, but...what do y'all think? Could we make it a "thing?" Should we? There are risks involved in it, as well as rewards.

All I'm saying is that if you want to meet at the water every month, I'm in. As it is, I got so much and GAVE so much last Saturday that I think I'm going to continue it on my own.

Thank you so much, my friends. I am awed by your friendship and love and power. I truly enjoyed meeting you at the water.

Counting Down

2010-06-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, lovies! The time is closing in on the New Moon. (And some of you might already be experiencing it...are you? Time zones make me dizzy.) We've gotten a few questions about what to DO at the water when we get there.

Here are some thoughts:

First, Blade and Cauldron came up with a simply gorgeous chant that I think you could use anywhere: at your kitchen table with a bowl of water, in the swimming pool, the creek, river, ocean, mud puddle in the back yard....you get the drift. I'll probably, knowing me, come up with something on the spot, although I love B&C's melody.

I think that, for me, I'm going to want to include the elements. Water, Earth, and Wind are fairly easy at the beach, but I don't know what I'll do for Fire. Maybe grab some incense? Lavender or rosemary would do well in this case, I think.

I'll carry with me my "Mother" stone and I think I'll scout the beach for any "signs"--maybe I'll bring the big shark's tooth I found on the island a few years ago. That would be pretty powerful for ME personally.

I've been thinking a lot about containing the strength and love I'm sending out. I'm considering finding a shell as a holding place for it and then wading out and letting it slip into the water. I might dance around on the sand or turn cartwheels or simply sit quietly and just be with Her.

As I've said, for me rituals like this tend to be very in the moment. And to be honest, I'm not sure that WHAT we're saying or doing is as important as the fact that we're doing it. We're DOING it.

I know I've mentioned this, but I want to say again how truly inspired and blessed I am by you all. I didn't expect this response. I wrote what I wrote to give voice to my anger and in return, I have been soothed by hundreds of voices reaching out to me and to Mother Ocean. It's just...nuts, frankly.

Can I say it now? THIS IS CRAZY!!!!! Are you KIDDING me with how awesome people can be? Wooohooooooo!! You rock!!!

(Sorry. Just had to get that out.)

I've got to go pack now and bake in preparation for our trip. I'll probably be able to post on Twitter (I'm NotHannah, obviously), but I don't know if I'll be able to do anything more than that while we're on the island. Just know that I'll be thinking of you while I'm at the water and being thankful for every one of you.

Good News Travels Fast

2010-06-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

Again, thank you SO much for your excitement and passion for this...movement. I am thrilled with the new followers and all of the comments and as I visit your blogs I am just SO JAZZED.

I noticed today that we have a few non-Pagans who are joining us and I have to say that this just tickles me pink. MAGENTA, even. I wrote this post in the heat of anger and I am so happy that those of you who are Christians saw through the anger to the heart of me. Bless you for that. Please spread the word!

My beautiful Selma wrote this piece of fiction with the Gulf in mind and it breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. Thank you, love.

Also, oh my goodness, this video is INSANELY beautiful. Thank you, Teckla, for taking the time to make something so powerful.

Blessed be, y'all. You give me such hope.

I'm So In Love With Y'all Right Now

2010-06-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously, thank you SO MUCH for the beautiful responses to the previous post (now found on the sidebar, too.) Almost every time I come back, I find a new comment, a new friend. I'm so pleased and proud to be part of a group of humans working toward (and for) something so much bigger than themselves. Thank you for your participation and your offers to share the info--please feel free to grab the "Meet us at the Water" button over the post. I know that when I make my way to the water on the 12th, I will feel all of you with me. Having said that, Emily brought up a great point: make sure as you pour out your love and strength that you save some of that strength for yourself. I hadn't even considered this point, but it makes a lot of sense. Mother needs us strong in our day to day life, right? So you might want to visualize a finite amount of energy feeding into your water...I'm actually going to be mulling over this for the next few days. If any of you would like to share with us what you might say or do, we'd love to hear it.

Blessed be, everybody.

Will You Find Your Way to the Water?

2010-06-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, y'all, here's the thing:

I'm pissed.

No, I'm enraged. I am simply quaking with horror and rage and shock at the oil RIVER spewing into the Gulf. As a person, an American, a consumer...I'm upset. But as a Pagan, I am gone beyond simple upset.

We are killing my deity. Worse, we are making Her kill herself AND Her children. Our greed and consumption and blithe ignorance of the way the world works is causing the death of something ultimately sacred to me.

In my weird, strange, two- and three- and, okay, occasionally four-faced faith, Mother wears many clothes: She hides herself in Earth. She shines like the Moon. And She wears, always, a cloak of blue flowing around Her.

The Ocean is Mother: the warm, wet place from which we came. The source of our rain, our mist, our wind. The Seas are what make Earth unique in our solar system--perhaps our galaxy. Without the Seas, humans could not be.

How lucky the Christians are, with their god who died for their sins and then got to go to Heaven. Our goddess is dying BECAUSE of our sins, but here is no heaven for Her. We are making a Hell of Her. For Her. It makes me want to wail.

I hate feeling so helpless. I HATE feeling as if there is nothing I can do. I want to punch the BP exec who wants his "life back" square in the kisser. I want to SHAKE the people who try act as if liberals or environmentalists are the bad guys when we say, "Um, hi. THIS is what we've been talking about." I can't STAND it when politicians posture to figure out which angle is best to reach the largest number of voters.

But, ultimately, this can't be about my politics or my rage. This must be about my love. I love my planet. I love my Mother. I want to help Her, somehow. I can cut back on driving, I can recycle, I can stop buying plastic. I can do all of these things. But I can't stop the flow of the oil. I can't clean up all of those animals. I can't stop the death.

But I can't help thinking...maybe...if we all work together...we can heal Her. We can HELP heal Her. We can, at the very least, show Her our love.

The New Moon falls on the 12th this month. This is, perhaps coincidentally, the first evening I will spend on vacation. I will be on my favorite island, surrounded by the cool waters of the Atlantic. I'm planning, once the kidlets are asleep, to make my way down to the beach, down to the waves, and smooth my hands over the water. I will say, "Peace be with you, Mother. Take from me what strength you need to heal yourself and your children." And I will send as much love and light and peace back into Her as I can.

Will you join me? Will you find your way to the water, even if it's a bowl of tap water from your kitchen? Will you help me send love and light and peace and STRENGTH back to our Mother as we try to help Her heal herself?

Let me know. Maybe we can make this a movement. Maybe we can turn the tide of consumption and greed and ignorance. Maybe...

The Gift

2010-05-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

It's odd, really.

I'd been looking forward to my year and a day celebration, well, for an entire year and a day. Although I'd flirted with Paganism for years...my flirtation came to a sudden, grinding halt when my son was diagnosed with autism. Heart and soul, I was completely focused and determined on making him well again.

And it took years.

I had no room, or at least that was my thought at the time, for anything else. Looking back, I realize this spiritual path could have helped our entire family had my autism tunnel vision not kicked in. But alas, it did. As I think it would for most mothers faced with this diagnosis for their child.

Nevertheless, my little man is now well on his way to making an extraordinary autism recovery. When I realized this back in April 2009, I jumped back into my Pagan education head first. I finally had time to focus on my needs and wants again. And, oh, what a joyous reunion it was! I can't remember a happier time in my life. The spring and summer of '09 was full of excitement and happiness for me. I was the thinnest I'd been in years, the kids were happy and healthy, we spent a lot of time outdoors--including several camping trips, I was reading every Pagan-related book I could get my hands on and learning more everyday, and I'd started my very first herb garden which was thriving. It was a lovely time.

But.

There is always a but, isn't there?

As the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. As summer faded into the first vibrant days of fall, the sparkle and glow of my life began to fade as well. It's that darn balance thingy our Mother is so fond of. :)

Doug and I began having marital difficulties, Parker was having a rough time transitioning back into the structured routines of a school classroom, and money was as tight as it has ever been. For awhile, I believed we were going to have to stop the very expensive biomedical interventions which had so aided in Parker's recovery. Obviously, this was devastating news to me. I'd spent years healing Parker's poor, weakened little body, yet all that work hung in a very precarious balance. Depression was inevitable. As autumn flowed seamlessly into winter, I found myself reevaluating my life, particularly my new found faith.

Did I really want to follow a path which I'd be unable to share with my fundamentalist Christian family? A path which seemed quite bleak and lonely, as I live in the uber conservative Bible belt? A path which would ultimately lead to the loss of many friendships?

My answer, which I think is probably obvious at this point, was a resounding YES! Christianity is not and never was an option for me. I knew that as soon as I was old enough to understand the teachings I heard every Sunday in the little country church. Yet the day I found Paganism, my heart started singing. FINALLY. A religion I could relate to. A religion which made me feel so at home. A religion I could call my own.

My original intention was to have a big party with my coven sisters on Beltane, which happened to be my official 'year and a day' graduation. Yet as the day grew near, I found myself becoming introspective and craving reflective time with our Mother only. So that's what I did. Beltane rang in and back out again very quietly in this household. Yet internally, I'd reached a new level of dedication and loyalty to our path. Inside, I was celebrating loudly and boldly.

I did, however, mark the event 'externally' as well.

Here is how:

A tattoo I designed along with my local artist, which is located on my right shoulder blade. (Please note...this photograph was taken mere minutes after the tattoo was completed. My skin is red, irritated all over, blotchy, swollen, and even oozing a little blood too. Also, it's not lopsided as it appears in the picture...that's just my husband's crappy camera skills showing. ;)

Beautiful, isn't it? :)

Blessed be, my friends.

Hanging Out in the Broom Closet

2010-05-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago, I saw that my SS had joined a Facebook page specifically for witches living in the Bible Belt. For a moment, my cursor hovered over the Join button, and then I turned away.

And--finally--I realized what it meant to be "in the broom closet."

For a few weeks now, I've been sort of struggling with this concept, as it seems that being "in the broom closet" means to many Pagans, that they can't wear their pentagrams out in public. The pentagram doesn't resonate with me, and any dove or triskele amulet I might wear would probably be associated with Christianity around these parts. Religion doesn't really come up around here; it's assumed that everybody is a Christian. There's no need for me to discuss my faith. It doesn't come up.

But, lately, I've felt stymied. It started in Jeffrey's taekwondo class.

We were discussing the downfall of cartoons--whatever happened to the Snorks or Smurfs or Scooby Doo? And then somebody brought up the Disney tween programming and a lady said, "Ooh, and those 'Witches of Waverly Place.' We will NOT watch that. I don't need no witchcraft and demons in my house."

Blink. Blink blink.

Because A of all, lady, that isn't witchcraft. It's a goofy little show with magic wands that shoot out lasers and stuff. (Which I love, actually. I admit it. I'm thirty-five-years-old and I love that show.) There's no mention of deity or practice or whatever.

And B, was it possible, ma'am, that you stumbled on a later episode of Buffy? Because I'll buy the demons and witchcraft stuff with that show. (And I'll take a Spike, preferably with his leather coat, while I'm at it.)

Anyway, the other ladies agreed with her and for a few seconds, the conversation drifted into a discussion of Magic that was not really cool with me.

And I sat there. Like a little lump. I wanted to say, "That's not true. That's not right." But I didn't. Finally, the conversation moved on and I could speak again.

Then last week, we were discussing the fact that our state legislature had passed a law to ban the involuntary implantation of humans with microchips. (Yes, that's what I said. They also approved eating roadkill. Our state workers are being flattened by furloughs, our teachers are being fired left and right, our interstates are a mess, and insurance companies can deny children treatment for their behavioral and developmental disorders, but we will spend money so they can protect us from the federal government inserting microchips in our "vaginal-rectum area"s--per a witness' sworn testimony.) And somehow, the same lady, started talking about End Times and how the microchips were the Mark of the Beast and other fun stuff from John's revelation and I just sat there. AGAIN. To be honest, this time I just sat there because I couldn't quite believe the mess coming out of her mouth. It was like a science fiction novel. A BAD science fiction novel.

But the other part of me, the part of me that wanted to say, "Yeah, um, I don't believe in the revelation. I think it's craziness. Also? I've been researching Jewish prophesy because of 'Lost' and I've pretty much figured out why the Jews weren't all down with Jesus, and they're TOTALLY right about that, and...also? Can we discuss the whacko interpretation of the Hebrew that was done by the Catholic church?" Um, yeah. That part just sat there.

So for the first time, I get it. My family knows I'm a Pagan. Some of my more open-minded friends do, as well. Some think this is a phase. Some think that I'm actually a Christian, dallying with something else. No doubt a few believe I'm going to hell, but they won't discuss it. These people LOVE me. But they don't discuss my religion with me most of the time.

It's not these folks I'm worried about. It's the other folks. It's my former coworkers and various members of the community, most of whom I don't call "friend," but who I wave and smile at in HellMart. And there are even a few folks on FB who I DO love, but who I would never just come out and say, "Well, for Beltane this year I..." Because it would freak them the frick out. And they would unfriend me, which would hurt my feelings. Or gossip about me, which could have ramifications for our finances. And I already loathe this place enough that I really need some positive folks in my life and these Christians are good people who care about me. Some of them are family. I don't feel like they would be comfortable with me talking about my religious stuff on Facebook.

So now, I get it. Being in the broom closet isn't about myself. It's about the other folks. I'm essentially being not my full self on Facebook--in my LIFE--because I don't want to be challenged by other people. They have the power in my life. Not me.

And that sucks.

I'm thinking about giving myself a magical name and joining up with Facebook on THAT, using another email address so that I can TALK to people like me around here. I've poked fun of people with magical names, and now, in some small way, I understand it. It doesn't feel authentic to me. It feels like I'm hiding.

Which I guess I am. Here in my broom closet.

Equality

2010-04-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

Although this may seem a little odd, I'm not going to discuss a Pagan-related topic today. The reason? There is something else weighing heavily on my mind, and while it's not referencing directly to Paganism, I feel there is a connection.

Like Pagans who've come out of the broom closet to severe prejudices, the gay and lesbian community often suffer the same prejudices. You've all heard them...we're immoral; we're going against God; we're prophets of Satan; etc.

Frankly, it's amazing to me a country like the United States still allows this prejudice to exist. Especially in a state like California, arguably the most 'open-minded' state in the union.

For those of you who aren't aware, let me fill you in...

Greene v. County of Sonoma et al.

Clay and his partner of 20 years, Harold, lived in
California. Clay and Harold made diligent efforts to protect their legal rights,
and had their legal paperwork in place—wills, powers of attorney, and medical
directives, all naming each other. Harold was 88 years old and in frail medical
condition, but still living at home with Clay, 77, who was in good
health.

One evening, Harold fell down the front steps of their
home and was taken to the hospital. Based on their medical directives alone,
Clay should have been consulted in Harold’s care from the first moment.
Tragically, county and health care workers instead refused to allow Clay to see
Harold in the hospital. The county then ultimately went one step further by
isolating the couple from each other, placing the men in separate nursing
homes.

Ignoring Clay’s significant role in Harold’s life, the
county continued to treat Harold like he had no family and went to court seeking
the power to make financial decisions on his behalf. Outrageously, the county
represented to the judge that Clay was merely Harold’s “roommate.” The court
denied their efforts, but did grant the county limited access to one of Harold’s
bank accounts to pay for his care.

What happened next is even more chilling: without
authority, without determining the value of Clay and Harold’s possessions
accumulated over the course of their 20 years together or making any effort to
determine which items belonged to whom, the county took everything Harold and
Clay owned and auctioned off all of their belongings. Adding further insult to
grave injury, the county removed Clay from his home and confined him to a
nursing home against his will. The county workers then terminated Clay and
Harold's lease and surrendered the home they had shared for many years to the
landlord.

Three months after he was hospitalized, Harold died in the
nursing home. Because of the county’s actions, Clay missed the final months he
should have had with his partner of 20 years. Compounding this tragedy, Clay has
literally nothing left of the home he had shared with Harold or the life he was
living up until the day that Harold fell, because he has been unable to recover
any of his property. The only memento Clay has is a photo album that Harold
painstakingly put together for Clay during the last three months of his
life.

With the help of a dedicated and persistent
court-appointed attorney, Anne Dennis of Santa Rosa, Clay was finally released
from the nursing home. Ms. Dennis, along with Stephen O'Neill and Margaret Flynn
of Tarkington, O'Neill, Barrack & Chong, now represent Clay in a lawsuit
against the county, the auction company, and the nursing home, with technical
assistance from NCLR. A trial date has been set for July 16, 2010 in the
Superior Court for the County of Sonoma.

This whole situation is sickening. And sob-worthy. And if we allow this to be our country's history, then we have no one to blame but ourselves for subjecting our citizens to such unjust treatment.

Fire Lyte, author if Inciting A Riot, said it best in his blog.

The problem with people assuming that places like
California, Vermont, Massachusetts, etc. are safe from this type of persecution
is that nobody continues to do the work towards equality. If nobody votes for
the amazing singer on American Idol, they get voted off despite how amazing of a
singer they really are. Prop 8 happened in California. Greene v. County of
Sonoma is happening right now in California.

Thoughts?

Earth (and a question about Community)

2010-04-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've been fiddling around in my garden a lot lately. (In fact, I just hurried outside to check on the status of my lettuce beds before I came back to finish this post!) So it makes sense that, as I contemplate the elements, I talk about Earth first.

One of the things that draws me to Paganism (and particularly to some sort of folklore-based faith that probably isn't named yet...hee) is that there is such a rich history of beliefs and ideas about "the basics." The elements are no exception.

For example, Earth has long been associated with Mother-deities or with creation myths, which is sort of a no-brainer, if you think about it. Plants come out of it, we go into it when we die, etc. Astrology links it to signs which are known to be stubborn, sensual, hardworking, and harsh. It's associated with Winter and the North in the Wiccan-ish tradition I follow, which I suppose is a nod to death and the barren heaviness of earth in the winter. (As a side note, check out this site I found while doing a little background for this post. It'll make your brain hurt, but it hurts sooo good. Heh. Sorry.)

All of that history stuff aside, for me, Earth is the most beloved of the elements, because it has such powerful connections with me. Some of my first memories are of sifting tilled soil through my fingers or observing the points of asparagus peeking from the dirt in my father's garden. The smell of wormy dirt in the Spring literally can bring tears to my eyes. I am a collector, a hunter-gatherer from the get go and I find my treasures in soil and sand: arrowheads lying perfect and sharp on the crust of earth in a planting field after a good rain, shark's teeth doing the same on the sand of my favorite beach, strange rocks and stones and pieces of wood crossing my path on walks through the old pasture. When we visited Ruby Falls a couple of years ago, I couldn't keep my hands off of the stone walls, pulling some sort of strength and (I know this sounds corny) love from the limestone. I am fascinated by the color of dirt, by the process of composting, by the stacked layers of shale and earth on the sides of the highways.

And of course, there is my garden. I feel such peace there, such connection to Mother and community. The simple act of putting a seed into the ground is HOPE, isn't it? (Because only my arugula is up, y'all, and while I'm happy about it, I need my lettuce and peppers to get a move on.) I love feeding my family with my labors and adding oxygen to the air and cultivating a sense of independence from commercialism.

I use Earth in almost all of my rituals and charms. My talismans are all stones, of course, but I also use paper that's been tinted by dirt from my garden to write any words that are necessary. I slip a bit of dirt into my travel charm (btw, time to recharge your charms on Wednesday--it's the New Moon) every month. I frequently ask folks to dig a bit of dirt to put into their charms if I feel they need grounding.

That's what Earth means to me: grounding. It is a steady element, strong and nurturing. It holds me up and draws me down. Earth means safety to me, but also wisdom. Age and time feel suspended in Earth to me.

What does Earth mean to you? Do you use it in your rituals? Is it even something you ever really think about?

One last thing: I just became a member of BlogFrog under my original blog, I'm Not Hannah. On BlogFrog, you can become members of communities and discuss topics ranging from the serious to the mundane. I'd love to be able to have a free-flowing conversation about stuff that just comes up: everything from Paganism to raising kids to politics, etc., and I LOVE how diverse our followers are on Divining Women. So I'm inviting you to join my community. I'd love for the community to be a place where we can talk about the things that matter the most to us, as well as the silly little things that make us laugh or cry or whatever. I'd REALLY like to see a good discussion (or discussions) about Pagan issues, because from what I can tell, the BlogFrog community is fairly non-Pagan right now. Ooh, let's be trendsetters! :) Hope to see y'all there...

Reconnecting

2010-04-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted, for a lot of reasons.

The first is that Spring is on us here in the South, and that mans that the flurry of tidying home and garden is taking center stage over everything else. I've been enjoying giving order to my home, and getting my hands back into the earth after a long, wet, cold winter. I'm never more connected to the spirit of the Earth that I think of as "Mother" than I am when I'm toodling around in my garden. Seeing the tender new shoots of my culinary and healing herbs uncurling is such a transcendent thing for me...AHHH!!!

The other reason, perhaps the biggest one, is that I've found myself feeling sort of out of sorts again with the organized aspects of religion. I read with interest (and a certain feeling of sadness) the myriad of rituals and gatherings that many of you participated in to celebrate the Spring Solstice, but I felt totally out of the loop. Part of it was that I was insanely busy around that time, with company and obligations that made it difficult to light a bonfire, much less chant. :) But part of it was that the folklore and traditions associated with the celebration of Ostara just didn't connect with me. Driving around with my brother taking snapshots of peach orchards was much more in keeping with the way I was feeling.

At the same time, I felt the need for ritual--and felt very keenly that I haven't done a better job reaching out to the Pagan community, small though it may be, around my home.

The idea of having an altar and "the works" still doesn't appeal to me. But I feel like I need to make a better effort to firm up my practice, so that I can give something of my spiritual self to my children and husband. I think I'm going to start with the Elements. A friend on FB today posted a very simple status update: "Earth, Air, Fire, Water" and it really resonated with me. I think that I need to investigate this.

On a not-really-related-but-since-this-post-is-very-disjointed-anyway-why-not?-note, I found myself, for the first time, specifically asking "Mother" to protect somebody I love who I was worried about. It was startling, actually, a kind of, "Whoa!" thing from a person who usually just says, "Please..." in these spur of the moment times of prayer. It felt good, but a little weird at the same time.

Anywho, that's what's been going on with little ol' NotHannah lately. What about you? Any startling spiritual revelations/odd doldrums/weird moments happening?

Down & Out

2010-03-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

I've lost friends recently...quite a few. Folks I've known since grade school. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I know it's because of my Paganism. Frankly, it hurts....badly.

I understand that ignorance defines fear, but these ex-friends know me. And I just can't help but think, if they'd just take five minutes to do a little research...this breaking of relationships would be completely unnecessary. I really try to live my life by example. I figure if I'm my typically happy, optimistic, friendly, loyal, honest self...that, in and of itself, speaks well for Pagans. Essentially, I'm simply trying to convey that fear is unnecessary. I always hope, in some deep part of my mind, they'll think to themselves, "Wow. Paganism seems a little creepy to me. But this is Bridgett and I know she'd never do anything evil. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and pick up some library books on the topic."

Is that too much to ask?

I can't tell you how many times I've come *this close* to sending a message something like this to these so-called friends:

I can only assume, due to your abrupt exit from my life, that you have issues with my chosen spiritual path. To this, I have only two things to say: 1. Do some research. 2. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I seriously doubt they're booting their Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist friends from their lives. Just me. The lone Pagan. The witch.

And yes...before you ask...I am sad. I've even gone so far as to set up a separate Facebook account using my magickal name for anonymity <-----is this spelled correctly? It doesn't look right, but spellcheck didn't catch it. I transferred everything even remotely Pagan from my main Facebook page to my witchy account. And while I love the freedom an anonymous account gives me, I resent and hate the fact I had to set it up at all.

Oh, and here's another conundrum. I've put a deposit down for a Pagan tattoo in May, in celebration of my year and a day. The tattoo is going to be a pentacle (made to look like wood), woven with daisies. I had planned to have it tattooed on my wrist, but now I'm thinking that might be too visible and cause a buttload of issues. So many Christian folks see the pentacle as the sign of the devil and I just don't know if I have the strength at the moment to educate them. I'm torn. I hate hiding a part of myself...especially such an integral part of who I am. Being in the broom closet is not for me, yet in order to keep my very sensitive heart from breaking, I must protect myself.

And so...I wait. For acceptance? For religious tolerance? For my spirituality to be 'okay' in the eyes of my Christian friends?

Yes. No. Maybe.

I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for...I just know that I must.

Blessed be, lovies.

A Little Happy For You

2010-03-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight, the Hallmark Channel is playing "The Good Witch" movies back to back, starting at 7:00. They aren't deep, serious Magical movies. They're just Lifetimey, light-hearted, magic-tinged ones that might make you smile.

Check out the IMDB info on them here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1105729/

BTW, Emily, I'm listening to Gaia Consort right now on Pandora. I like!

Which Witch?

2010-03-12T04:00:00.000-08:00

I don't identify myself as a witch. Mostly. Sometimes, when joking with friends or family who are "in the know," I do, but generally, I go with "Pagan."

Lately, I've been contemplating the how and why of this, which turns me into a giant nerd AND forces me to contemplate some fairly ugly stereotypes. (Right in the middle of Spring Cleaning. Oof.)

First, the nerdliness. Despite all protestations by witchly folks, it would appear that as early as Old English times (let's say 1066, just for fun) people associated the word "witch" with satanic dealings. The Online Etymological Dictionary throws it back to some IndoEuropean roots that might have been associated with "bending" or "spirit," which is more comfortable for me. However, if you look up the roots of the word, you'll find about 80 bajillion ideas about where the word came from, some clearly biased toward non-demonic roots, some going toward the other end of the spectrum. (Fascinating to nerds like me, frustrating for people like me seeking concrete answers.)

After being fascinated and frustrated, I looked up "Wicca." I expected it to be an ancient word, but found instead its common magical usage to be very modern--dating to 1954 and Gerald Gardner. Huh.

Why all this looking up and frustration? Here's where the stereotyping comes in.

My Soul Sista posted earlier a list of magical questions, designed to make one think about one's practice. I read it with interest, but...many of the questions had nothing to do with me.

I don't have a magical name. I don't have a familiar. I don't think about my practice in terms like that; in fact, trying to decide or be open to my magical name or a familiar or whathaveyou makes me uncomfortable to the point that I squirm.

*Disclaimer here: I'm not trying to offend anybody (most especially my darlin' Boo-ums) when I work my addled brain through this. I want everybody here to be free to be you and me. These are just issues I'm confronting as a fairly new Pagan.*

In my head, whenever somebody identifies herself as a witch, what is immediately conjured up is the image of those folks I knew in high school who wore a lot of purple crushed velvet and dark lipstick. These lovies hung out on the fringes of cafeterias and coffee shops and seemed to take delight in being weird for weird's sake. (I will point out here that they didn't exist in my school. I only saw them out in trips to larger towns and cities.) In college, it was kind of more of the same. Any witches who came out of the broom closet seemed to do so in a swirl of satin and with a few dozen pewter pentagrams hanging from their spiked colors.

Fast forward a few years. I have realized that I've always identified with the concept of a "great Mother"--probably the reason I love the Clan of the Cave Bear books so much. And Mother Nature. And herbs and folklore and unseen things, etc. I finally become actualized enough to start looking up information about paganism.

And I find--more folks in swirly purple capes. Oh, dear. One of the first books I read was by Raven Silverwolf, and while I appreciated the wit of it, I have to admit that I did (and still do, frankly) consider some of the things she suggested to be totally goofy. As in, "Let's go hang out at the mall and freak out some Christians" goofy. And her name. OOF. It just killed me. I discarded her book, picked up a Scott Cunningham or two (better) and then an Ellen Dugan (aaahhhh, sweet relief...), but I sort of stayed away from anybody with a magical-sounding name. It made me feel twitchy.

Fast forward a year. I meet up with a lady who is graciously helping me try to organize Earth Day in our community. I notice she's wearing a Mother pendant and I flash her my triskele ring. We laugh like goons and give each other big hugs. Yay! And she mentions the local Pagan group she's associated with and I ask, "Are the people there, like, normal? Or are they the moony-hocus-pocusy people?" Because, y'all, I'm an ass. And her face sort of freezes and I realize what an ass I was and then her face goes back to normal and we're fine, but I have totally offended her. I think back to that day now and I just cringe. First, because I missed out on making a friend (or several) right then and there and second, because how awesome am I that I can look down on anybody else and the way they live their life?

I've grown, some, I think, in this regard. A few months ago, I was reading a Pagan blog I occasionally frequent and the writer started talking about people who dress up in cloaks or in leather and lace or whathaveyou to attend festivals or rituals and how cheesy that was and how it shouldn't be allowed and I bristled up into a giant ball of, "How dare a Pagan tell other Pagans how to be?" Then I deflated, because...oh. Right. Ahem. Excuse me while I slink off in embarrassment.

I think my problem with her blog was that the freedom of Paganism from the set rules and rituals of modern Christianity is one of its big draws for me. I find the ability to make up my own rituals, my own set of corresponding beliefs to the knowledge passed down through time to be personally freeing. But, at the end of the day, I'm still more Valerie from The Princess Bride ("I'm not a witch, I'm your WIFE.") than Sarah from Hocus Pocus. (Why am I breaking out the movie references now? Couldn't tell you.) I have trouble remembering, much less holding, all of the Sabbats, and as I mentioned on my SS's FB page, some of them leave me cold. (Literally, Imbolc. You were wretchedly cold this year.) I don't have a magical name and will probably never have one, because I don't want to set my magical self aside from my mundane self. I don't have a true altar or a cauldron or any of that stuff. (We've talked about this before.) I don't own a crushed velvet purple cape (although, to be honest, I am kind of in love with the idea of a heathery brown cashmere one. Siiiiigggghhhh.)

At the same time, I feel a connection to the moony-hocusy-pocusy people. We are different. Our souls don't sing the same hymns that our neighbors' do. We honor, in some way, the same sort of entities.

I don't know why this strikes me as so important right now. I suppose that it's nice for me to see a little community forming here and that it's interesting to see so many different sorts of people drawing around a common fire.

Even if we are dressed differently. What do you think?

Introspection

2010-03-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

I received this questionnaire from one of my virtual coven sisters awhile back. Glancing through the questions, I realized I'd never actually given a few of these any thought at all. I figured a few moments of introspection on my part might be a good thing. And, to get to know the Pagan aspect of Bridgett better (since I don't talk about it much on my personal blog), I thought I'd share my answers with all of you. Please feel free to snag these questions for your own blog. It's good for all of us to 'look inside' every once in awhile.

Basics

Do you have a magickal name?

Nearly all my Pagan cohorts call me Boo. Many call me Boo Shamrock because of the shamrock tattoo I have on the back of my neck. A magickal name gifted from the deities, however, has not yet come to me. I'm sort of hopeful it will soon.

Does it have a special meaning?

It's the name bestowed upon me by the people who love me...so yes, it's very special.

How did you find Wicca/Paganism?

Christianity was never a good fit for me, even though my family pushed me into attending their fundamentalist church for the first eighteen years of my life. Oh, the resentment I harbored! It wasn't until I met a Wiccan friend on AOL journals seven years ago that I really felt I'd found any kind of spiritual path at all. Unfortunately, we also received my son's autism diagnosis around this same time...so my Pagan studies came to an abrupt halt while I focused on recovering my son. I started studying again last spring and my 'year and a day' will fall on Beltane this year. :)

How long have you been practicing?

Not quite a year yet.

Solitary or group practitioner?

I'm a solitary witch, although I recently joined a virtual on-line coven which has been wonderful. I've also found a local group of like-minded individuals...so I suspect we'll eventually form a coven. Yay!

What is your path?

This is one of those questions which was quite thought provoking for me, as I'm still trying to find my perfect path. However, if I had to answer specifically at this moment, I would say I was an eclectic Pagan who pulls very strongly from Wicca and the Celtic pantheon. I'm also quite drawn to Green Witchery.

Are you out of the broom closet?

Yes and no. I wear Pagan jewelry, I write about my Pagan path on my blogs and my Facebook page...I'm even getting a Pagan tattoo in May. Most of my friends know and parts of my family do as well. But for now, I'm keeping my parents and my grandmother in the dark. I honestly think them knowing would be more of a headache than I'm prepared to deal with at this time. I don't want them spending all their free time praying for my Hell bound soul, after all.

Gods/Goddess

Who are your patron Gods?

So far, I have only one....Thoth.

Who are your patron Goddess'?

Again, there is only one I work with...Brighid.

Which Gods/Goddess' do you worship?

I wouldn't say that I *worship* any of them. I believe they're old friends of mine who know me so well, they know just what I'm thinking without the need for spoken words.

Do you fear dark aspects of the Gods/Goddess, or rather, respect them?

Oh yes. I both fear and respect these attributes of the deities. We all should.

Do you worship the Christian God?

I do not.

Do you ever worship animals?

No. But I do feel as though they're our brothers and sisters...struggling to survive and simply living their lives like the rest of us. I also believe in animal totems or animal spirit guides.

Or plants?

See above.

Nature

Do you regularly commune with nature?

Not nearly as much as I'd like. Living in town, it's not as easy as I'd hoped it would be. I do the best I can.

Ever walked barefoot in the woods?

I have not...well, not since I was a child anyway. And I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't either. In my neck of the woods, there are many creatures and plants which could cause serious injuries to bare legs and feet.

Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature?

Yes...and I wish I could do so more often.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth?

I was young...maybe 5 or 6. It was autumn. The leaves were stunning shades of orange, red, brown, yellow, and green. I remember breathing that crisp autumn air into my lungs, seeing the Tiffany blue skies with the big cumulus clouds sailing lazily over my head, and admiring the autumnal beauty of the trees. I knew I'd always remember that moment in my life. To be that young and to feel so content...well, it was truly special.

What is/are your power animal(s)?

At this moment in time, I simply don't know. I'm keeping my eyes open though.

Do you have a familiar?

Unfortunately, no.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual?

Not yet. But when I discover my totem animals, I'm sure I will then.

Or a plant?

I've used many herbs in my rituals...not sure if that counts?

Do you hug trees?

My witchlet daughter and I both do. In fact, we have a special tree at my son's school which we hug and talk to every morning. And if we're feeling extra energetic, we chase each other around it's enormous trunk, giggling and being silly.

Give them gifts?

We do! Sometimes leftover food from our meals, and other times special offering cookies or stones which we make especially for that reason.

What is your favorite flower to work with?

Honestly, it depends on the time of the year...but daisies and sunflowers always rank right up there.

What is your favorite tree to work with?

I love any tree...but my favorite to work with is the willow.

Wheel of the Year

What are your favorite holidays?

I really like Litha, Imbolc, and Mabon.

What if your least favorite holiday?

I actually enjoy all the Sabbats...but if I had to pick my least favorite, it would probably be Lammas. It just seems like an early Mabon to me.

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday?

I nearly always do.

Ever taken a day of work to celebrate a pagan holiday?

I'm a stay-at-home mommy at the moment. But I'm sure if I were working, I'd probably try and work my schedule around the Sabbats.

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25?

I celebrate Yule on the 21st and Christmas on the 25th, since I'm the only the practicing Pagan in my entire family.

Have you ever felt the Veil thin?

I would love to be able to say, "Yes! I have. And it rocks my world." But I've only celebrated one Samhain as a Pagan so far...so give me some time to learn and get my energies straightened out. Perhaps on Samhain next year, I'll be able to answer in the affirmative. :)

Ever danced the Maypole?

Not yet. This is definitely a goal.

Know what the Maypole symbolizes?

Of course! I think just about everybody knows what the Maypole symbolizes, Pagan or not. :)

Ever made love on Beltane?

I have. And I plan to this year as well. :P

How do you usually celebrate the pagan holidays?

At home with my family, singing, dancing, cooking, setting up my altars, and performing rituals.

Divination

Do you use Tarot?

I just bought my first deck and instructional booklet...so I'm learning.

Do you use runes?

I won a gorgeous set of runes from Janie at Mother Moon. So I'm currently in the process of learning about them as well.

Do you use a pendulum?

Not yet...but this is the next form of divination I want to tackle.

Do you use dowsing rods?

Okay, honesty time. I have no idea what dowsing rods are. Anybody care to explain? :)

Do you use astrology?

I love astrology and feel it has much to tell us. And yes. In case you haven't guessed, I'm currently studying it as well. Can you tell just how much of a newbie I am?

Any other form of divination?

Eventually I might use a scrying mirror.

Spells

What was the first spell you did?

I did a very simple banishing and manifestation spell during the first few weeks of my year and a day study. It worked. :)

What was the latest?

A healing ritual for an ailing friend.

Ever done a love spell?

Surprisingly, no. I do think it would be fun to do one of these with Doug to help strengthen our marriage. I mean, let's face it, every marriage can use a little help. :)

A job spell?

Not yet...but Goddess knows I need to!

A healing spell?

Oh yes. I do very simple healing spells almost everyday.

What was the most powerful spell you've ever performed?

On Litha last year, I did an banishment/manifestation apple burial. I carved my wishes into apples and buried them deep into the ground. Boy, did that spell work. It worked so well, in fact, I almost couldn't believe it...I was in awe.

Cryptozoology

Do you believe in Vampires?

Yes. Not necessarily the kind you see in movies, but yes.

Werewolves?

Yes. See above.

Shape shifters?

Yes.

Elves?

Yes.

Faeries?

Yes.

Dragons? Nymphs? Sprites? Mermaids? Sirens? Satyrs?

I grouped these together because I'm just not sure about them. My head tells me they very well could be real...but it's something I need to reflect on a bit more. I've never given these creatures a lot of thought.

Angels?

I consider this a more Christian concept and it doesn't really jive with my views of the afterlife.

Ghosts/Spirits?

Absolutely!

Ever "seen" any of the above?

I believe I've seen a few spirits....

Ever talked to any of the above?

No.

Ever called on any of the above in magick?

I haven't yet.

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian?

Not that I'm aware of...

Random

Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon?

I see a woman. It's the 'mother' moon.

Own a cat?

Not currently, although I have dibs on a Ragdoll kitten when they're born. :)

When you meditate what does your sacred/safe place look like?

It's always autumn...the trees ripe with color. It's an enclosed grove, totally private, with a stream trickling through and big rocks warmed in the sun to sit on. The temperature is always perfect, around 60 to 65 degrees, and the birds chirp happily in the distance. Flowers and herbs grow all around me, as well as multiple willow trees, adding to the overall beauty.

Do you work with Chakras?

I do. And I think they're very important.

Do you believe in soul mates?

Absolutely. 100%.

Ever met one?

I've found a few in my life. I'm very blessed.

Do you have a Spirit guide?

Not yet. Sure would be nice if I did though!

Is it always love and light?

No. To have and appreciate the light, there must also be darkness and shadows. Yin and Yang. Balance.

Okay. I think that completes the questionnaire. It's taken me an entire day to finish this! (Ahhh...the life of a mother with small children!)

Blessed be, peeps! :D

Pagan Pre-K

2010-03-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

This weekend, my family and I headed to Cowtown to celebrate my mother and brother's birthday. While there, I made a charm for my sister-in-law, which inspired this post, which is coming to me in two parts.

Part One: In order to work on the charm, I had to wait for the kids to go to bed. The main reason for this is that I needed to be able to concentrate on what I was doing, which is hard with kidlets crawling in my lap, wiping boogers on my jeans, or demanding I bring them something else to stuff in their mouths. But lurking just behind the main reason was the fact that as I learn more about how I practice and my beliefs and I mold each other, I'm not sure how to go about teaching them all this...stuff. I mean, I talk a lot about Mother Nature with them, but not THE Mother (more on this in Part Two). I point out the Moon, I try to include them in little rituals like setting New Moon goals and such, but I have a difficult time, for some odd reason, with making a religious practice part of our home.

Part of it, I think, is that Will is a Christian, although I would definitely NOT call him a fundamentalist Christian in any way. He is essentially a private man, and talking about his faith is not something he enjoys doing. I don't want to go against his beliefs or remove him from the kidlets' religious upbringing--and I have absolutely no problems with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth.

But the other part is that there is just SO MUCH. So much I don't know yet or haven't nailed down and so much actual work that I do. There are Pagan parenting sites, of course, but many of them seem to assume that you know what the heck you're doing all the time or jump right into hardcore gods and goddesses and altars and the like. And I'm just not really sure where to start. Living Under the Buckle, I don't want to make their childhood difficult or mess with their little minds. It's just a wee overwhelming to me, trying to figure out where to start.

Part Two has a lot to do with this. As I worked the charm with my sil, I found myself "teaching her" as I went along. Everything we did, from gathering acorns and paying attention to symbols on our walk to picking the embroidery threads for the design on the charm, was accompanied by me telling her why I was doing what I did. I really enjoyed it, but it wasn't (PAUSE FOR A MAJOR FREAKOUT: My Mother stone is missing. This is my most sacred thing and I can't find it. Please send me some good "return to NotHannah" vibes, mkay?) what I usually do when I make charms. It really highlighted for me the need I have to sort of...qualify? Qualitate? Something or other...my beliefs. I feel like I should start writing it down for my own sanity. (Seriously, I've completely lost my train of thought without my Mother stone. Eep.) At the same time, it seems like a possible waste of time, because I'm not SURE about all of my beliefs.

What I am sure of is A: I look forward to hearing your thoughts and B: I look forward to getting my stone back, because I now feel like my brain is jumbling out of my head. Happy Monday. Sigh.

*UPDATE: Stone has been found, brain getting back into order. Yay!*

Lions and Tigers and Bears

2010-02-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

I remember the day I first heard the term 'animal totem.' The picture which formed in my (admittedly odd) head was of a wooden pole with animal faces carved into it's chocolate brown surface. I had no idea what the gal I was listening to was talking about. But I nodded and smiled, while secretly thinking I was either a) high on mushrooms or b) magickally transported to The Wizard of Oz....oh my!

I immediately got on-line and discovered that totem animals are spirit guides which walk with us through our lives...guiding us, teaching us, and protecting us.

"Okay," I thought to myself. "That makes sense and is actually quite cool. I'm going to meditate right now and see if an animal comes to me because I really want to start working with my totem."

Nothing.

Not a darn thing came to me.

Over the next few weeks, I continued to meditate almost daily...with the same lack of results. Apparently I'm a hopeless soul, because I don't think any animals like me. Indeed, to this day, I still haven't found my animal totems. It's confusing to me because my patron God and Goddess came to me almost instantly upon meditating.

Am I missing something? Are these animals appearing to me and I'm just not recognizing their significance? I will say this...around the same time I first leaned about animal totems, a family of robins decided to make a nest on my front porch. We were very privileged to watch these birds build their nest, lay their eggs, hatch them, and feed their babies. We even watched as the babies grew from ugly, hairless little creatures which are nothing but beak...right up to the moment they each took flight for the first time. It was one of Mother Nature's many miracles.

Perhaps the robin is one of my totem animals?

Honestly, peeps, I just don't know. Can you help a witchy sister out?

How did you find your animal totem?
After you found it/them, how did you know it was the correct guide?
What types of things do you do with your totem?
Have they been helpful to you?
How many do you have?

Any information or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated! :)

Tools of the Trade

2010-02-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

While this is meant to be a blog where my Soul Sista and I ponder the Big Questions surrounding Paganism (and encourage others to discuss those Big Questions so we can all try to figure out What The Heck It Is We're Doing), I thought it also might be interesting to have a "show and tell" day. Then I started worrying that maybe people would get all wigged out about other people seeing their sacred objects. But lots of people show off their altars, I thought. Then I dithered around for a few days and before I knew it, crickets started chirping around the corners of the new blog.

So. I'm going to do the show and tell, y'all. You don't have to show OR tell any of your tools or objects...I'll still love you. BUT, if you would like to share, feel free to post the pics on your blog or give us a link to a Flickr-type account OR just describe them. We're easy like Sunday morning around here.

Ahem.

First off, this is where I keep my mojo-making "stuff." I worry periodically that it isn't in the most sacred of spots, but in reality, it's out of the way enough that I don't have to worry about somebody not in the know opening the cabinet and freaking out. Plus, to be frank, it's the only wodge of cabinet space not filled up with day to day living stuff. Although I keep a lot of my tools here, I don't use most of them in the same place. When I make a charm, I sit at the dining room table where my sewing machine is. When I read Tarot, I usually hole up in the library. When I light candles, I sit them on whatever horizontal space is nearest me and whatever work I'm doing at the time. (Ooof at all the power cords...in my next house, I'm setting up a better Workspace.)

The microwave generally doesn't serve any Pagany purpose, although I have been known to dry some herbs in there. The little wooden shelf on the other hand...

was made for me by my father many years ago from old barn wood and is Very Important. It holds the Big Guys, although they look very small. The acorns were gathered by Jeffrey a couple of years ago. They represent--at varying times--my immediate family, my brothers, my children, or any children I know. The little black stone next to them is my Mother stone and is probably my most important talisman. It's a flint nodule, found on my family land, shaped like an egg. I carry it when traveling or when stressed and in need of a lift and I NEVER work a charm or read the cards without it nearby. The stone next to my Mother stone is one brought to me by a friend from Maine. It looks like a mini-mountain and I use it to represent friends, particularly those far away from me. The last stone is a quartz crystal. It has a very male energy, so I use it when working charms for male friemily or for anything to do with Will.

The ivory handled knife on the lower shelf is the one I use for my house Work. I use it in the garden and when puttering around Magically. The folded papers are notes from Will and my daddy.

Inside the cabinet is a jumble of craziness. On the left side, we have

from left: my essential oils, glycerin, Dr. Bronner's lavender soap, and almond oil. I use these in everything from charms to cleaning to skin care messes. Behind the glycerin is a jar filled with the embroidery thread I use in charms. Borax (for cleaning and lotions) is next, with a bag of calendula flowers on top. The small jar holds "leftovers" from charms, candle-lightings, etc. I generally throw these on the firepit every new moon. (Although I missed the last one. Sigh.)

On the right hand side, you'll find

(again, from left):
A small glass jar of rose geranium leaves, a larger glass jar with my Pagany scissors, slips of paper for charms and my charm template, my tall Moon candle holder (used for Major Mojo Events), the stone mortar from Will's family farm, a bag of errant crystals, a jar of small candles for my dove holder, my books (holding my big bag o' stones), a small jar filled with stones that have special meaning for me, and my mortar and pestle (last used to crush up some baking soda that had gotten wet.)

I was actually lighting a candle for my Soul Sista when I took these pictures, so the dove holder isn't in its usually resting place, which is the mortar. Here she is:

Aww, I luff her. I use her for sending out vibes to my peeps far away.

There ya go. Now, these aren't all of my tools. Pretty much anything in my house can (and will) be thrown into use if necessary. But these are the basics, the things I turn to when I really need to focus some Energy.

Your turn!

Extraordinary

2010-02-14T05:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure my husband believes me.

In fact, I'm quite convinced he's one step away from having me committed to a loony bin. However, in honor of the way over-commercialized Valentine's Day, he's willing to overlook my peculiarities.

For today at least.

He probably thinks he'll get nookie out of the deal.

He might be right.

My husband considers himself agnostic. He's not a religious man. And while he doesn't mind in the least that I'm a practicing Pagan, he's not at all interested in hearing or learning about this spiritual path himself.

That doesn't stop me from telling him everything, of course. And what happened last week was no exception. It was too extraordinary not to tell him.

Yes, dear readers, last week something truly magickal happened to me. I say it 'happened' to me, because it wasn't my magick. It was the healing magick of a friend of mine...one of the few local Pagans I've been able to find.

I was having a rough week. A very rough week, physically. Not only did I have a tooth needing a root canal which ached and throbbed incessantly, I was also suffering from severe menstrual cramps AND a stomach virus. A stomach virus which kept me stuck in a bathroom for the better part of the day and brought to me excruciating stomach cramps. Indeed, my entire abdomen felt like some Celtic individual had come along and tied it in knots.

I don't think I need to tell you, but I will anyway....I. Was. Miserable.

When I saw my Pagan friend had signed on Facebook, I messaged her asking if she could possibly light a healing candle and send me some healing energies. Like me, T is a nurse. Healing is second nature to her. And I'll be the first person to say...she is simply a lovely person with a lovely soul. I adore her.

Anyway, T agreed to help me out and about twenty minutes later, she messaged me back and told me I needed to go to my front door to breath in the golden ball of healing energy she'd visualized arriving there. She told me she'd meditated and gathered energy from the woods surrounding her home...from the trees, the icy cold ground, and the snow. She told me she envisioned a golden ball, which confused her...she usually thinks of blue as a healing color,...but for some reason, her ball was golden. She envisioned it crossing the bridge between our homes and coming down the road to my house.

I walked to the front door and opened it to the freezing arctic air.

The snow on my sidewalk was sparkling gold.

"Okay," I thought to myself, "the sun's rays must be shining right on this area of the sidewalk." But when I looked up, there was nothing to see but some ominous gray clouds moving quickly across the frigid February sky.

I closed my eyes for several seconds and opened them again.

The snow was still sparkling gold.

And it was beautiful.

I breathed in deeply with a smile on my face. I knew...I just knew this was going to work. I thanked the Goddess for helping T help me. I thanked the elements for making sure my golden healing ball arrived safely and intact on my front door, then I quietly went back inside.

There was another message from T on my laptop. Here is the gist of what it said:

"By the way, Bridgett, you might feel the need to turn Wow Wow Wubzy on your TV. Having four children in the house, there is always something on the TV, so I've learned to incorporate that into my meditations. I envisioned the two of us talking about how much our kids like that show to help me get in tune with you."

My daughter had come downstairs about ten minutes prior to me receiving that message. Even though she'd been laughing and giggling while playing with her big brother upstairs just moments before, and asked to watch Wow Wow Wubzy. Lo and behold, it was playing on our TV as I read T's note.

Here's the kicker...Wow Wow Wubzy usually isn't on the Nickelodeon programming in our area until 2 PM. It was 10 AM. There is no way Autumn could have known that show was on the television at that moment.

And you know what else? As I was pondering the significance of the sparkling golden snow and the cartoon...my entire abdomen relaxed. For the first time in over twelve hours, not a single part of me ached or throbbed. My body was completely relaxed. Had it only been one ache which stopped, I would have gladly written it off as a coincidence. But all three of my ailments stopped at once...the tooth stopped throbbing and my entire abdomen was calm. I actually felt sleepy because I knew I finally COULD sleep now. I wasn't in pain anymore.

That night, I was able to eat a normal dinner without a single repercussion. I don't know about all of you, but I've never been able to do that following a stomach virus. I have to be on a bland diet for a few days following anything viral. I also haven't needed a heating pad or any medication for my menstrual cramping. Not once.

And finally...remember the annoying tooth (which is scheduled for a root canal on Wednesday)? The pain didn't stop completely, but it went from an excruciating, stabbing pain throughout my cheek and jaw, to an occasional dull throbbing in my gums. It's an absolutely tolerable pain now. I've barely needed any pain medication for it either...for days. Prior, I'd been taking ibuprofen every six hours around the clock.

Do I believe this was magick? Yes, I do. T and I believed this would work...and it did.

The one thing I have managed to learn on this wonderous, confusing journey...magick is all about believing. And let me tell you something else, my friends..................I believe.

Do You Believe in Magic?

2010-02-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

The other day while riding from school, Jeffrey and River got into a conversation that went something like this:

River: My unicorn is magic.
Jeffrey: No, it isn't.
River: Yes, it is.
Jeffrey: No. It really isn't.
River: You stuuuuppppidddd. (Sigh. Thought I was avoiding all this with the five-year age gap. Not so much.)

At that point in time, I jumped in and told Jeffrey that it wasn't up to him to decide what was magic or not and also that he shouldn't dictate how others see the magic around them. (I know. It was pretty deep, even for me.) Then Jeffrey, seeing that I was NOT happy with him for squashing River's fantasy, launched into a story that sort of freaked me out and made me smile at the same time.

In his story, Mike Tyson (his stuffed dinosaur dragon he has had since infancy; named after the boxer because Jeffrey chewed its ears when he was little...so technically, it should be Evander Holyfield, but whatevs) walked. And danced. And bounced down the hall. Jeffrey was absolutely certain that this phenomenon had actually happened--and that it was magical. River, suddenly becoming pragmatic, mentioned that she had never seen Uni walk or dance. After a little suggestion from me, Jeffrey came up with the theory that in order for Uni to be magic, he had to soak up a little more of River's "feelings."

Wow. Talk about a connected kid, hunh? Pretty much in ten minutes, he not only allowed me to articulate a major tenet of my faith, but he also laid it out in simple terms for his three-year-old sister:

Magic is subjective and no one can tell you what is magic and what isn't.
Magic needs to really know you to be used by you.

The only trouble is...I'm not sure I believe that.

I have a hard time with the concept of "magic." Or should I say "magick?" Is there a difference? On the one hand, I've seen some crazy, spooky, weird, wondrous things that make me question a lot about what most of us think about reality.

But is that magic? Is magic something that can be worked? Or does it just exist?

When I read Tarot, even when the results are so uncannily spot on that I have to walk away, I'm not sure that it's magic. I think...maybe it's just perception and that the traditional beliefs associated with the cards make me look at a situation differently.

And when I make charms, I definitely make a ceremony out of it. I chose items for the charms very carefully. I weigh my words and ingredients with an eye to the person I'm making the charm for and the folklore attached to the various herbs and stones. But...is that "making magic?"

When I'm feeling down and I pull a little energy out of the earth to boost myself, is that magic?

It seems, both from a Pagan and a non-Pagan perspective, that there are two different versions of magic floating around. There's the basic kind: the moon, the sun, the seasons, the elements. Then there's the woowoo kind with its bells and whistles and cauldrons and wafers and whatnot.

I think what I'm coming to believe is that the basic kind is something that all people recognize and that the woowoo kind is just the way folks align themselves with the basic. Pagans call it magic, other faiths have different names for it.

Is it all the same magic?

Is it even real?

Tonight, when I mentioned the story to Will, he told me that he had had a little bit to do with Mike's bouncing and dancing. I have to admit, I was disappointed. I mean, it's one thing to know a stuffed dinosaur dragon can't bounce down the hall. It's another thing to KNOW it.

Of course, I won't tell Jeffrey any of this. For him, Mike Tyson is magic. And maybe...maybe THAT'S what makes magic real. It isn't the fact of it.

It's the belief.

Straddling the Broom Closet

2010-02-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

I'm upset.

Admittedly, I'm not completely out of the broom closet. While I don't hide who I am, I don't broadcast my path with a neon sign above my door either...especially with my incredibly conservative, fundamentalist Christian family. However, all who read my personal blog know I'm very open there, which puts the bulk of my friends (and some of my family), 'in the know' about my spiritual path.

Thus far, everybody has been very accepting. Sure, I've received some questions...but they were asked with general curiosity and not as a harbinger of hate.

That is, until yesterday.

A person who knows me quite well, in real life, called our home and told my husband she was 'afraid of me because I was practicing witchcraft.' This person said that after reading my blog, she worried about me participating in 'black magick.'

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

These statements are insulting on so many levels, I'm nearly beyond words. Even worse, this is the second time this person has called making accusations and checking up on me!

First...anybody who knows me knows I'm loyal to a fault, mellow, friendly, always laughing, and a generally upbeat, optimistic person.

Second, they also know I'm a completely dedicated mother and would NEVER in a billion years do anything which would put my children at risk or expose them to the dark side of life.

Finally, I lived with the person who made these statements for almost six months. So for her to call my husband and completely dis the moral and ethical person I am, simply because I choose not to follow the Christian faith, well, not only is it unacceptable...it's judgemental and pathetic.

But here's the thing I really don't understand. If it were me and I discovered somebody in my life was a practicing Pagan...would I immediately assume this person worshipped Satan and tried to kill people? NO. Of course not. Because I'm smart enough to realize that a Hollywood stereotype is not even remotely based on reality.

I would start by hitting up Google and educating myself. If I still didn't have a clear picture, I would buy a book or two and research a little more. There is no reason, in this technological day and age, that people have to remain ignorant and biased about any topic.

It would take a whole whopping five minutes to type the words Paganism or Wicca into a browser and get some basic information regarding the craft. And what I would find during my search is this: a practicing Pagan is a polytheistic 'country-dweller.' A person who believes in both the God and Goddess aspect of deity. A person whose religion is nature-based and seasonal. A person who feels the divine when the wind blows through her hair, the sun beats on her golden skin, or her hands are buried deep in the Earth's soil, planting and growing seedlings. A person who teaches her children to respect our Mother Earth and the herbs, flowers, trees, stones, and nourishment which come from her.

What I would not find is a description of a person who hexes people, makes human sacrifices, or worships Satan. Indeed, Pagans don't believe in Hell or Satan. Hell, and all it involves, are Christian concepts which I'll happily let them keep for themselves. Religions which fear-monger are not my cup of tea.

So let me ask you, how do you handle these situations? Do they offend you? I'll admit, I probably wouldn't be nearly as offended by this situation if this person had come directly to me instead of asking my husband how just how dangerous I was to my children. Ya know?

When folks ask you about your faith and how it differs from Christianity, what basic information do you give them? As a newbie Pagan, this is something that happens to me a great deal and it's something I struggle to get just right.

I'll end this post by saying this...in my experience, Pagans (and I'm using that as an umbrella term), are the kindest, most gentle, non-judgmental, and environmentally 'green' people I've ever had the pleasure to know. So not only am I insulted by this person's callousness for myself, I'm also insulted for all of you.

I apologize for my rant.

Paper or Plastic? (Or Stone. Or Ceramic...)

2010-02-04T16:46:00.001-08:00

In my quest to figure out which of the bajillion Pagan paths I should be following, I read a lot of books. And websites. And pamphlets at herb shops. Occasionally, I stop random people on the street and say, "Hey, do you think an athame is REALLY necessary?" (No, not really. That would not go over so well around these parts.)

One book I've been digging into lately is The Way of the Green Witch by Arin Murphy-Hiscock. I'm liking it pretty well, although I find it sometimes conflicted: on one page, green witches don't align themselves with particular deities and several pages later, I'm supposed to offer up a chant to the "Lord and Lady." Um, what? What Lord and Lady are we talking about here?

Another thing that's bugging me about the book (and to be fair, there's a lot of good, practical stuff in here) is the long list of tools that a green witch MUST have and the materials out of which said tools must be made. The tools must be sacred to witchy work and must be made out of organic materials.

Here's the deal, Phil: First, I'm a busy mom. A busy mom on a budget. So, frankly, I don't always have the time or money to do things like, say, make a broom to purify my house with. I'm not trying to be flippant when I say this. I understand the importance of keeping the drifts of bad energy out of the corners and try to do it every new Moon, but the truth is that if I realize it's the new Moon and I've got fifteen minutes before I have to pick up Jeffrey and River's running around with her panties on her head, I'm going to grab whatever cleaning product is nearest to get rid of the baddies. If I had my druthers, I'd be sweeping with rosemary branches lashed to an oak branch. But if not, I'm gonna overlook the cat hairs and dried cheerios hanging on my kitchen broom and sweep those suckers out.

Now, I can understand the need for organic or non-commercial type stuff for some things. When I first started on this path, I had a few basic tools: a candle holder with a moon on it, a few candles, and a deck of Tarot cards. When I mixed oils or herbs for a charm or prayer, I did it on one of the Corningware plates somebody gave me as a wedding present: handy when meat needs to be defrosted, awkward when used to ask for my family's safe travel. I realized that a clear glass plate would feel less...jangly on my nerves than the country-blue flowers. I've bought a few things along the way that feel more sacred to me: a small dove candle holder, a stone mortar and pestle. But many of my tools are found: an extra pair of scissors Will brought home from work, the embroidery thread my aunt never used that she gifted to me, an ancient stone mortar found on Will's ancestral farm, a flint nodule from my own family land. And while I hope to use more glass jars and sew pouches for them in the future, a lot of my supplies--from my embroidery thread to my gems to my essential oils--are stowed in plastic ziploc bags or leftover deli meat containers. It doesn't necessarily look very decorous or sacred, but it's what I've got right now.

On a similar note, Dani over at Magickal Mommy recently asked her readers their opinion on whether it was okay to use plastic in ritual magic work. A friend had nixed the idea. But Dani has an attachment to dolls and miniatures and does some pretty cool stuff working with them. It makes sense that she'd want to use dolls or miniatures in her rituals, no matter what they were made out of.

And to come right down to it, plastic isn't created from alien space particles. Bad as it is in the landfills, it comes from the earth at the beginning, right? There are a billion steps in between the oil coming out of the earth and the fashion doll with the preposterous body parts, but still...

What do y'all think? Do you have rules for your tools? Do you practice "in a pinch" magic or do you go "by the book?" Paper or plastic, people--what would you choose?

It's a true story...

2010-02-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

The air was cold creeping through the slight gap in the sliding glass door, opened to air out all the smoke a young, new-to-the-craft Pagan was stirring up with her cauldron. She didn't have green skin, there wasn't a wart at the end of her nose, and she certainly didn't worship Satan...a cliche most of the ~~really ignorant~~ world seemed to believe. She was simply a mom who'd finally found her place in the spiritual world and was doing her best to respect and honor that path.

Unfortunately, being a solitary in the Bible Belt, she was having a hard time finding her place in the Pagan world. A hard time finding answers. A hard time knowing what she'd done correctly thus far and what she'd completely messed up.

She was celebrating her first Imbolc on that frigid winter night, using a makeshift altar she'd made by throwing a soft yellow piece of fabric over a plastic tote. The lid wasn't even and everything looked lopsided...but it was the best she could come up with.

"Seriously, does this altar even look right? Do I have the ~~wine glass~~ chalice on the correct side? And why, when this sabbat celebrates the coming of spring, am I freezing my squishy bubble butt off because of this crack of opened door?" she thought to herself.

Even lighting the candles on her altar brought up questions. "Oh no. I didn't use a wooden match. I don't even have a wooden match. Just great. I hope the Goddess likes plastic lighters just as well."

...and then a few seconds later....

"I hope this incense smells sweet enough. The spell calls for 'sweet smelling' incense."

...and then a few seconds after that....

"Oh crap...I memorized how to cast a circle and now I've completely forgotten. Hmmm....do you think it would work if I said, 'Hey, element of air...join me, won't you?' "

So there she sat, a Dyson vacuum behind her, a pink Super Girl robe on one side, a Nintendo DS on the other, and a plastic altar before her...frantically booting up her laptop to get the information she needed to properly cast a circle.

After the circle was cast, the incense and candles lit, the ritual completed, and the cake and ale portion of the ceremony brought to a close, her 'how to' paper instructed her to raise her hands to the air and say a specific grouping of words.

"Wow," she thought, "the back door is open. I live in a townhouse and have neighbors on every side of me. They're going to think I'm nuts."

Instead, she talked in a normal voice, raised her hands only halfway up, and then felt she'd let Brighid down. Yet somewhere deep inside, she felt giddy about what had been her best ritual to date. (Oh yes, that was the best. I'm sure you don't even want to imagine the worst.) She ran outside with her offerings to Brighid clutched in her icy hands...some skim milk (because every Goddess needs a trim figure), and a slice of bread. Under the brisk night sky, the stars peeking down from their celestial home, she felt a rush of adrenaline. Of love. Of coming home. She giggled out loud as she ripped the bread into tiny pieces and threw them into the yard as hard as she could, jumping up and down and letting the spirit fill her from head to toe.

Hey, she might be a lousy witch at this point in her path, but at least she was a HAPPY, lousy witch.

Happy Imbolc...er...Something

2010-02-02T09:42:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that Celtic-minded folks traditionally celebrate Imbolc as the breaking of Winter's cold and the beginning of Spring's warmth.

Um. This is the view out my back door:

Now, I'm not sure if you can tell, but it's not exactly warm and Springy outside. It's damp and cold and windy and pretty bleak. It's warmer than last year, though.

Last year, I dragged the hubs and the kidlets out to the fire pit, where we wrote down any hurts we'd felt through the year on scraps of paper and tossed them onto the fire Will was happy to make against the frigid cold. It was cold last Imbolc--and I'm talking brutal, make-the-babies-cry COLD. I sat there, the kids huddled against me, the quilt wrapped around us doing pretty much nothing and I thought, "What the hell am I doing?"

I was struck by the realization that this was much the same thought I had when I was part of a Baptist church and I was listening to the preacher rail against cigarettes when I had a pack of Marlboros in my purse. And the faith I'm practicing now is a much better fit than the one I used to. Oh, dear.

I'm a Pagan. Of that, I'm sure because I'm not a Christian or a Muslim or a Buddhist (although to be honest, my personal faith dips freely into all of these.) What I'm not so sure of is what particular type of Pagan I am. I'm not Wiccan, but I find a lot of the tenets of that religion make sense. I call myself a Green Witch, but I have issues with deep stretches of forest, so that trips me up sometimes. I love to cook and bake and welcome folks into my home as a way of showing them I love them, so sometimes, I identify as a Kitchen Witch. I feel a profound draw toward the study of herbs and plants, so maybe I'm a Wise Woman. Native American beliefs about spirits in Nature? Check.

Sigh.

It's all very confusing sometimes and I wish that I could find a way to sort it all out in my head. Which is where Divining Women comes in. It turns out that I'm not the only Pagan ~~wallowing in confusion~~ questioning bits of my Faith. My soul sister, Bridgett, recently opened up on her blog about her feelings about her path and it just RESONATED with me.

So many times when I'm trying out a ritual or spell or whathaveyou, instead of feeling spiritually grounded, I feel...like a dork. I feel exactly the same way I did when I joined that Baptist church all those years ago and I don't want to feel that way.

It helped reading the comments on her post and realizing that others had the same issues with the same constraints. Inspired, I asked Bridgett if she'd join me in working on this blog, because I really feel like having conversations about this stuff forces us to examine our beliefs, think about alternatives, and gives us a greater sense of community.

It makes sense that we start this blog on Imbolc. Because in addition to all of the Winter's End mess, Imbolc is also the day we honor Brigid, a goddess of poetry, inspiration, healing, and the home. Brigid is "my" goddess, an aspect of the Great Mother that I most identify with. (She even found her way into my first novel.) My hope for this blog is that folks will find inspiration here, a home full of warmth.

My fear is that you'll find two chicks losing their minds over cauldrons and contradictory guidelines for casting a circle instead.

Either way, welcome and blessed be.